|
|
|
|
| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
07-20-04, 09:23 AM
|
#1
|
||||
|
Banned: Spamming
|
Poetry In Motion
IP: 509D 5063
I was pretty happy with this but I didnt feel it was perfect I just wanted some feedback to improve this.
Poetry In Motion My fingers clutch around the pen its tip drifts across the paper, as the ink touches a blank canvas I gain the gift of a creator. I poise my tool of imagination ready to pour my pondering, famish for inspiration around the room my eyes are wandering. Through every nook & cranny Ins & outs . . . . high & lows, Searching for that trigger To relinquish my prose. Abrupt eruptions develop that interrupts my focus, shoulders hold a mind full of poetry but their motion is too slow to notice. My mind becomes a scavenger scurrying through past memories, suddenly I think of Joanna & the last words she said to me. “Harry you have changed. . . it seems as if your no longer the same person, no longer when we make love is our hearts merging. Instead its your lust your basic sexual attraction, while im performing my duties for your satisfaction. So its time we ended search happiness in new angles, & we cant pull some strings to sort it for you have made them all tangle. So this is goodbye. . . I will always love you in a funny way, but im afraid our puppy love has now gone stray.” I miss her every second. . . it will be long to cure this heart of mine, but I’ll smash every clock I see to help me kill the time. For all I did wrong that this angel I did not cherish, your gorgeous face & beautiful heart & those lips I did not relish. I hope you find someone that will take you and show you bliss, that would make you so happy you will be lead to an alter where you kiss. & from there you continue you give life to those as beautiful as you, & they give you joyful days times 10 for every bad memory I gave you. You were my heart poetry to me was my emotions, & I’m dead if you are not happy so please continue to put. . . Poetry in motion. |
||||
|
|
07-20-04, 09:44 AM
|
#2
|
|||||||
|
Flyweight
|
IP: 10B9 2236
uh...seems perfect to me...seriously i cant find that much wrong with it, except that when i spit it over a beat the flow seemed a little messy, but that might just be my fault, best thing to do to perfect a flow is exactly whut i do, spit yours over a beat over and over till the flow is to your liking, other than that theres really nothin wrong with it, uh, try elevatin your vocab?(not) its good man good this would get a 9/10 if not a 10/10..
__________________
VOTE ON MY BATTLES AND I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR, I STICK TO MY WORD Open Battles No open battles at the time |
|||||||
 
|
|
|
07-20-04, 02:37 PM
|
#3
|
||||
|
Banned: Spamming
|
IP: 4C49 64C6
lol @ 10/10 but appreciated. Good point, I always struggle w/ my flow. thanks for feedback.
|
||||
|
|
|
07-20-04, 02:47 PM
|
#4
|
|||
|
1926
|
IP: A001 97D8
Ya, Content Wise You Have Nothing To Do...
The Only Thing I Would Change Would Be To Add Some Multies To Help Your Flow Out... Because Content Wise Shit Was A Masterpiece... My fingers clutch around the pen its tip drifts across the paper, as the ink touches a blank canvas I gain the gift of a creator. ^^^... That Was By Far My Favorite Line... A Beautify Opener... It Really Just Drew Me Into The Rest Of It... But Ya, I'd Give It A 8.5/10... Simple Because Of The Flow Issue... I Like Your Way With Words Though... Get At Me If You Want Me To Check Anything Else You Write Cuz I Enjoy Reading Ya Work... ~One~ |
|||
|
|
|
07-20-04, 07:25 PM
|
#5
|
||||
|
Banned: Spamming
|
IP: 4C49 64C6
thanks ^atticus
|
||||
|
|
|
07-21-04, 10:49 AM
|
#6
|
||||
|
Banned: Spamming
|
IP: 4C49 64C6
uppity boom boom
|
||||
|
|
|
07-21-04, 04:44 PM
|
#7
|
|||||||
|
Flyweight
|
IP: EA56 91C1
very good just a tad messes but nothin to worrie bout good stuff
|
|||||||
|
|
|
07-21-04, 09:20 PM
|
#8
|
||||
|
Banned: Spamming
|
IP: 4C49 64C6
thanks
|
||||
|
|
|
07-22-04, 12:00 AM
|
#9
|
||||
|
Banned: Spamming
|
IP: 4C49 64C6
Wooooooooo
|
||||
|
|
|
07-25-04, 09:06 PM
|
#10
|
||||
|
Banned: Spamming
|
IP: 4C49 64C6
more
|
||||
|
|
|
07-26-04, 06:03 AM
|
#11
|
||||||
|
Banned: Cheating
|
IP: CDAA 2D0A
It Was Pretty Good Man Overall 8/10
|
||||||
|
|
|
|
07-27-04, 05:51 PM
|
#12
|
||||
|
Banned: Spamming
|
IP: 4C49 64C6
uppppppppppppp
|
||||
|
|
 |
| Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Linear Mode
