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02-10-04, 04:56 PM | #1 | |||||||
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Can u tell me
IP: C1DA C961
I have tried so many times
To stop dis boi from sucide Its kinda hard wen da boi your brother The grl left him and he really loved her He said he was gon do it friday nite I tol him no J it aint rite He tol me ok i aint gon do it He lied to me dat son of a bitch Saturday mourning we found him hanging from rope All i did was cry It wont yo time to die Somebody tell me why dis happened to him Its all my fault I could have stopped him from dis I could have tol some one Well i guess im to late He's gon now Rest in peace j |
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02-10-04, 05:03 PM | #2 | ||||||
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IP: 4287 3F49
good emotion i enjoyed it, only thing don't put 'wont his time to die' makes u look 13
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02-10-04, 06:31 PM | #3 | |||||||
Spectator
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IP: 1A70 9542
I didnt feel any emotion in this... At least not as much as I would expect given the content. You've done the same thing here as with your 'My People' piece Lyrical... Taken a powerful topic and really weakened it with the style of writing you use.
To me, this reads like a first draft, something to be built upon.
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Great spirits often encounter violent opposition from mediocre minds.
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02-11-04, 05:20 PM | #4 | |||||||
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IP: 4577 CD9A
not tryna be rude or mean jus got a question how can u feel emotion when u cant hear me i mean in your head it comes out different from wen i say i think u should think about that
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02-11-04, 06:12 PM | #5 | ||||
shawty"B"
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IP: 4577 CD9A
ok since i can understnd this entierly i like this cuz it a point that ive thought about alot thats the only reason im still living
this is a gud topic 2 write about........sry bout ur brutha, hope yah get thru it ok keep droppin ..........fav part......... have tried so many times To stop dis boi from sucide Its kinda hard wen da boi your brother The grl left him and he really loved her He said he was gon do it friday nite I tol him no J it aint rite He's gon now Rest in peace j im so sorry return tha favor
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<img src=http://img43.photobucket.com/albums/v133/thanodia/shawty.gif>
JUST TRY AND STOP ME !! ........Shangri La........ |
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02-11-04, 06:36 PM | #6 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: 5862 9415
there was emotion, just not alot of it. mostly because it wasnt articulate enough, its like being mute. I can see the words, i just dont feel the emotion. there was "realness" to this, by that i mean that it seems like this is how you really feel and how you are in real life. vocab wasnt too good, very plain and simple. an alright poem, u should have made it longer as an tribute to ure brother. overall, its an alright poem. seems you would have alot of inspiration.
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Po'Ethics.
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02-11-04, 07:01 PM | #7 | |||||||
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IP: 4577 CD9A
thx yall for yall comments ill pick up on wat yall sayin but thx
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