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Old 08-13-07, 07:02 PM   #1
Pious
Flyweight
 
Posts: 134
Joined: Sep 2006
From: Toronto
Status: Offline
Outlaw Love

IP: C4E7 EAF1

This was a song I wrote for my acoustic guitar so bear with me...

found a young girl in my highschool years
never found herself short on tears
'till she found someone her heart could beat for
and so one day she thought shed come clean
without soundin like a drama queen
and tell the one she loved just how she felt for
and her love said 'you must be crazy, you know that we're both girls'
and furthermore you know im your best friend
and her love said 'i may be crazy, but you're also my whole world
my love for you could never find an end'
so they started off a rendezvous
weekend nights and afterschool
studyin and makin a routine
and they loved to kiss and hold each other
always missin one another
findin places other people never see
in the eyes of the law they were ontop of their game
surprize surprise the folks they dont approve
when the kids at school caught word of it they
started callin names
except for the ones who thought it was pretty cool

take my hand livin in an outlaw love
you're the only one im thinkin of
'cause you're the one im holdin in my arms
yeah when your love's outside the law
there ain't nobody else at all
they didn't mean no disrespect, didn't mean no harm
they were just tryin to follow their heart
like they were told at the very start

i was friendly with a kid who never loved school
saw right through the rhymes and rules
he was every schoolgirl's secret crush
so he opted for the silver screen
livin' out an american dream
everything that he had didn't add up to much
till he ran into a little sweetheart
who headed his way... he said
'you're the prettiest girl that i ever have seen'
she said 'hey i think i like you and you're headed my way
then again im only 17...'

take my hand livin in an outlaw love
you're the only one im thinkin of
'cause you're the one im holdin in my arms
yeah when your love's outside the law
there ain't nobody else at all
they didn't mean no disrespect, didn't mean no harm
they were just tryin to follow their heart
like they were told at the very start

knew a young girl with a ring on her finger
loved her fiancee and everything that he'd bring her
he was great, but never listened to a word she said
and he drove her so crazy, sad and hurt
started makin eyes with a guy at work
and everything that he said resounded in her head
when the rings came off you know
the harshest words were spoke
prayers were offered up to make it all allright
families hung their heads
and young dreams were broken
lucky young lovers whispered on the telephone each night

i love you too, livin in an outlaw love
you're the only one im thinkin of
'cause you're the one im holdin in my arms
yeah when your love's outside the law
there ain't nobody else at all
they didn't mean no disrespect, didn't mean no harm
they were just tryin to follow their heart
like they were told at the very start

and if followin your heart
could ever lead you astray
then why so many people
got so many things to say?

said i...
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get attached to a rolling stone and you're libel to get crushed..
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Old 08-15-07, 03:58 AM   #2
Brother Anubis
Flyweight
 
Posts: 105
Joined: Aug 2007
Status: Offline
Text Record: 0-0
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: 2998 9024

became bored quickly shit was a typical sad love story sorta drop. I just felt it lacks creativity and originality.
one a bright sid its straight from your heart..so thats real.
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Old 08-17-07, 08:27 PM   #3
KM
..........
 
Posts: 338
Joined: Mar 2007
Status: Offline
Text Record: 9-6
IP: 9204 9119

the concept was great....even though this is a long written....some parts seemed rushed

i was friendly with a kid who never loved school
saw right through the rhymes and rules
he was every schoolgirl's secret crush
so he opted for the silver screen
livin' out an american dream
everything that he had didn't add up to much
till he ran into a little sweetheart
who headed his way... he said
'you're the prettiest girl that i ever have seen'
she said 'hey i think i like you and you're headed my way
then again im only 17...

^^^^^^ this verse for instances seemed rushed to me....u ending it with "then again im only 17".....thats it ?.....could of added more to this verse.....

overall i give this an 8/10....~1~ keep writing
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