RapVerse.com Community
 Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End RV Radio  

Go Back   RapVerse.com Community > Fresh From The Lab > Textual Releases > Poetic Scriptures
User Name
Password
FAQ Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 01-11-06, 03:32 PM   #1
atti?
1926
 
atti?'s Avatar
 
Posts: 3,147
Joined: Aug 2003
Status: Offline
"Persuit of Happiness"

IP: 3240 794D

Tripping the fires
Of ones imagination,
In ancient prayers attire.
Native fingers dance
Upon organic fabrics
Of a corporate man.

She just withers. Old;
Brittle, cold in shiver
Lingering in the textile
Of the vile soul.

Bats that shattered
Glance to onlookers,
As patterns take form,
Her poor battered
Hands tremble more.

Corporate America
Stands waiting in line;
Time's steady tapping
Foot rattles the eyes
Of collapsing study
Within their wooden dummy.

The lines go forever.
Upon the countryside
Winds a foolish birth
Of stride for better.

White collars popped,
Waiting to be dressed.
While a blue jean step
Dresses the last thought.

As...

Her fingers bleed.
The needle eats
Through helping hands
To remind that she,
The factory, too is man.

And amongst the savage
Ever wading valleys
America's true colors
Paint the cavernous.

Red, White, Blue...
Lights the step
Of conforming request.

The checker faced
Seamstress sews on.
As each addict seems
To meets his ease
Upon receipt of bond.

She smiles there as
Multi collard America
Grins like a fucking idiot.
They awe at her craft,
To the point they
Blind themselves
To the hideous hatch.

Amongst the crosshairs,
There lies her angst.
Weaved into each stitch
The smiles of care
Rage in the blaze of a bitch.

She owns you.

Consumed your glee
With exchange of receipt...
Then worked in her pain
To pierce the action
for which it's been made.

And as you stroll off,
She wipes her tears;
Giggles through cough.

As she weaves
Disease into savvy steps,
Signing another soul
To sin, Per Suit of Happiness.

  Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-06, 07:03 PM   #2
chip
pain is weakness leaving the body
 
chip's Avatar
 
Posts: 754
Joined: Jul 2005
From: 614 (Ohio)
Status: Offline
IP: 1152 1C7A

whoa..... i didn't really get it at first, but i like where it took me.... very original concept...... i like how u used the metaphors to describe what the woman was doing, different way of thinking of corporate America...... decent strcture too, lol, i never could get that down.... keep writin playa.....
__________________


"I don't want to be deep... I want to feel deep and use that feeling to express depth itself..."
-Konchance

my poetry:
untitled
Send a message via AIM to chip   Reply With Quote
Old 01-13-06, 03:13 PM   #3
atti?
1926
 
atti?'s Avatar
 
Posts: 3,147
Joined: Aug 2003
Status: Offline
IP: 0825 899A

Thanks alot for the feedback man.
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-15-06, 02:04 AM   #4
Terumoto
I have a lot to learn...
 
Terumoto's Avatar
 
Posts: 9,740
Joined: Mar 2004
From: Life.
Status: Offline
Text Record: 44-10
IP: C98F 1FA2

This poem was dope.

I basically have the same opinion on it as chip.

But I liked that last line.. the "Per Suit of happiness" .. nice.
__________________
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-18-06, 02:07 PM   #5
Lil C
Middle Weight
 
Lil C's Avatar
 
Posts: 511
Joined: Sep 2004
From: Detroit
Status: Offline
Text Record: 4-9
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: 11AF 50EC

yea imma have to agree w/ Chip on dis one.......good use of metaphors fo sho...da structure was dope; n good use of vocab too.....keep up da work....oh n RTF on my new piece "Alone".........1
Send a message via AIM to Lil C Send a message via Yahoo to Lil C   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:56 AM.

Powered by vBulletin.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.