Topics

The Hand that Helped me Fall
Only For the Righteous
Tears of the Dead
Just a dream...
The Shadow Behind Me
The Last Mile
Circle of Time
Sentenced to Love
Blooded Placement
As the Dawn Fades
Through the Glass
Of Hate and Love
My Sirens Mourn
Farewell...
The Blade that wouldn't Cut
A River Called Life

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Check ins due by Tuesday
Verses Due by Thursday
Voting Ends Saturday
Minumum of 16 lines
You can now do your own topic, instead of doing the same one.
If you are unsure of the rules click here

Good luck and drop dope

Will edit or post topic, but going ahead and checking in.

Checkin In...I like Just a dream if thas cool wit u

Check..Yeah, I'm doing "The Hand That Helped Me Fall"

16 lines, short and sweet. been reeeeal busy this week, typed something up.

Wire had a deep peice, lots of symbolism and I like how he put it together. i could actually feel wat he was going thru, and he expressed himself very well. HNIC also did well, I liked his use of wurds and representation. although it was choppy in parts, I liked it. the surprise ending made it a lil hard fo me to decide. Overall, they were bothe good, but I have to make a decision, and I have to go wit Wire because it was put together and flow better, and also and lil more expressive.
winner- Wireless

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Lyrical Rapsody

Ok I'm a man of total and utter honesty and I can safely say I didn't really like either verse. I could see what Wireless was trying to do, linking the hand that helped me fall as an accident on a ski trip, and later saying it was darkenking his vision. However at times I felt the execution was a little lacking and although the flow was at times good, it was generally basic and the rhyme scheme was forced in some places.



^That was a good example of poor rhyming. To maintain a good flow and complex rhyme scheme you need to make sure there is rhyming (or assonance at least) in the last two words of each line.


^Notice the perfect flow and dope as hell multies? They really help improve the standard of writing and that's what you should be working on. You also had a similie which I grimaced at as soon as I read it.
'But like an obsessed girl, it seemed like the hand always came back'
^That line really sucked. But overall your verse wasn't terrible, but it could have been worked on much better. I know you rushed it and everything but I'm just giving you tips to improve. However, your attempts at semantic references and subliminal metaphors were creative which upped the quality of your verse slightly.

HNIC, please don't be offended because I know you're new to topicals but I don't hold back in my feedback. Your peice was very basic and the concept, which was potentially very good, was poorly executed. When I read 'kold' I knew this wasn't gonna be a great piece. But dude, unless you're a really good writer NEVER explain the story in dialogue to a wife or something. Outline it out by providing background info and some insight on the chaacters thoughts and reveal the plot over the open mic. Dialogue OM's, especially one such as this which suffered from a lack of depth, tend to get really critisized.

Thanks fo dropping both of you but I have to go with Wireless for having a slightly complex piece.

V/ Wireless

Rofl Lmfao you read my piece completely wrong...the skiing was symbolism, snow was drugs..rofl.

Sorry, it was late at night when I voted and I was pretty tired. Still, you should have made the link clearer by at least posting a line of too refering to drugs. Even if you did it subliminally... This is only the 2nd time I've got the meaning of a poem/open mic wrong (there was an awful poem called This Room by some Arab writer I didn't understand).