When Im droppin a rhym..I get it poppin at times/
Electricute shockin ya mind..pumpin proper designes/
sick of kids cockin the nines..pain locked in my mind/
Pops was popped in a vacant lot..stoppin his shine/
REal talk..I spit..to get this bullshit up off of my mind/
Raised amongst crime..Big City gritt an the grime/
Hard times..uncle Vic..sniffin a hard line N larg dimes/
My time on this earth..been nothin but hurt n the Dirt/
whats the worth of a jerk..immerssed N the worst/
Curssed since the birth..big brother perched n a hearst/
starvin like Marvin burdend..parched N..hurtin with thirst/
Dearched from Laws..burned n locked behind walls/
Is this my final call..I know..shawties lyin low tryin to ball/
We laugh we cry..we rise we fall..streets is hot to scauld/
raised n war..we not in Awe..learn to live as the fox n dog/
street boxin till the cops is comin or opps is poppin off/
My life n lotts is Raw..all I wanted was a few houndreds/
Kick it wit my crew blunted..but dude fronted..now who dun it?
bustin then screamin..who-want-it..sick to my stomache/
this was never the life for me..I wanted to see the sea/
instead I see Judge gavel n felony..behind bars n cant breath/
watchin half my family bleed..fathers cousins brothers R.I.P
dead niggaz as far eye can see..Hell an I can't hide the beast/
Peace n the streets is imagined them gats blastin really happins/
Cats get jacked N clapped for flashin..snatch ya life fo fragments/
braud day brazin blastin..cavemen missbehavin cravin madmen/
sadness Jesus aint saven has beens..wishin like Aladdin/
raised as not havin..streets paved in blood straps n stabbins/
whats happinin..is the destruction of civilization end creation/
social class seperation bassed in race liquidation n state
incarciration/

More feedback.

The structure has been fixed to a readable structure. The stretched lines are gone which is a plus, it makes the verse flow a lot more. You are still using the // at the end of your lines. That is pointless because the rhymes tell the reader where the break in lines is. Also, the fact that you move down to a new line sort of gives that away to. So, when you drop again just leave the // out because people find them to be annoying.

The first thing I thought after reading this was that it was an improvement on the last piece of yours I read. Although, I have to say that when I get to the end I was left feeling like the piece was unfinished. Its like you've got a mad flow going and you just end it so abruptly and I feel like there should just be more, or at least a little closing to the piece. At the moment it just seems like there should be more.

Again, the concept for the piece is a little unoriginal. I mean rapping about crime and prison and the problems with the world is just old now. Too many people have done it and the whole appeal of it is lost on most people now.

The flow in this piece was mad to begin with, it sort of fell off in the middle and it seemed like you was trying to hard. Some of the rhymes just didn't come off well in my opinion. Also, I found that the use of multies was real nice in places but it was a little weak in other places. Its like you had the same multi rhyme going for like the first 7 lines and then you switched to a different set for the next 4 lines and then you started to just drop one line with one set and move on and it fucked up the flow a little bit. Towards the end though you pulled it back and finished with a decent flow, a nice use of multies and overall it was cool.

My only tips are for you to try and come up with a nice, original concept for a piece instead of dropping verses about lifes of crime and all that played shit. Also, try increasing the complexity of your multies instead of throwing these collection of small one or two syllable words together. Also, when you've finished the verse just give it a read through to ensure that the flow doesn't fall off in places like it did here.

Now, I'm done.

thats real shit my pops was murdered in an alley and my brother was shot to death real is never played. Im not rappin about living in the sub burbs an your life Im rappin about mine.

Whether or not it is real shit, it is still played.

an what should I rap about? my English going to the store for my mom and dad? It's played to you. That was a good rhyme I know it. and anybody with any talent an obvious skill would know it.

I may come off as sounding disrespectful, but it annoys the fuck out of me when people have tragic life events and come onto an internet site attempting to rap about it. It is just fucking played. Don't we have enough with dudes like Eminem rapping about how shitty his life was. Jesus.

Your anger towards me just shows how insecure you really are when it comes to taking some real criticism.

People think that just because they drop a verse about their family being shot up or whatever that they deserve to be coddled. Man, I don't give a rats ass about people's feelings. If their family gets murdered and they drop a decent rap about it I'll show them props. But, if they come with something that is average then I will tell them.

u are dissrespectfull people rap about what they go through I miss my Brother u fuck I wish I spent more time with my father. If I wanna remember them in a rhyme I will. If you ever been through anything u would understand but u cant relate so u hate. I hate the fact my brother and father murdered in the same fuckin year. Thats why people blow up rapping about there shitty lives cuz real people feel real talk. what u rap about space ships and the mall. Bury ya Brother and tell me this shit

Motherfucker, if I wanted to rap about my entire life I would.

I could rap about losing all of my fucking grandparents. I could rap about losing my niece when she wasn't even a fucking year old. I could rap about my brother getting shot in the back of the neck. I could rap about my little brother getting hit by a fucking car.

I don't though, so how about you shut the fuck up and stop talking shit about my life when you haven't a fucking clue about what I've dealt with over the years you stupid gay ass faggot motherfucker.

^^I keep reading wack verses from u all my Grand parents dead too soo fuckin what fuck ya brother and ya granny fuck ya dumb ass little brother . they probabably disserved it producing a peice of shit grand son like you ha ha. You might good if you rapped about those things you pussy. dissrespect my fam I dissrespect yours. and I read raps about you busting gats and shit so fuck all ya critique never mind. bitch battle me or shut the fuck up bitch ass white boy. you aint been thorugh shit. You lying pussy

Please link me to an open mic of mine where I talk about busting gats.

Oh, never mind.

I just found the last time I talked about that shit, April 2005. Over a fucking year ago, its called elevation and evolving from what is played.

You fucking tool.

Man, if I knew where your brother and father were buried I would dig them up and take a steamy dump on their fucking rotting heads.

community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=237926

check it out you lying bitch. tell the truth dude posted in 2006 ha ha

Your wack as hell you havent posted one verse that compairs to mine your garbage as hell why are u even feeding on shit like u got skill.