my knees tremble in anticipation
the heart races through the darkness
arms strugling to keep hold
fear

i see light in front of me
my mind strugles to adjust
my eyes do the same
shock

distance becomes futile
worry becomes peace
the body melts away
useless

empires crumble bemeath me
time is meaningless
they all play through me
power

tears stream down the faces
panic sets in everywhere
questions sore to me
responsibility

change the resultant force
pain forgotten yet known
curiosity quiets fear
as i move into eternity

damn, not a single person read? up................................................ ..................

well, i'm sorry nobody responded to this, but i thought if there was one this that stood out here it was the constrast between simplicity and complexinty, your use of vacab demonstrated the deeper thoughts portrayed in the simplistic structure..i know from experience..contrasts work well....

keep it up and i hope you get more replies!

thanks a lot. still uppin............................................. ..............................

uppin please............................................ ............................................

this one doesnt make much sense to me..... theres not enought meaning to it and it seems forced. i think f you add more to it and make sure theres some meaning in it, it would turn to be a great peice. keep it up!! return tha fava n read mine!

no, there is plenty of meaning to it, just look a lil deeper than the surface. u actually gotta think to get it, not just read it. thats y its a poem.

u need to bring a little more emotion ya know to what u write. dont make it a mystery. but other then thats its a really good poem

hmm, im not a fan of this one at all. it had good vocab, thats not a problem. it had intelligence to it which made it alright to read. i didnt feel any emotion to it, just words...i dont know if thats just me or wat but thats how i felt or didnt. good imagery, good use of senses. thats all i got to say, just wish there was more emotion and feeling to make it more enjoyable and more relateable to the reader.

-GG-

__________________

ok for this piece i for one liked it, simple on the outside, structure and vocab, but when you actually read it and understand whats being said then you relise the complex parts to it. ppl may not have felt emotion for the simple fact that too many just scroll throu all these poems and treat them all the same, but when they come to one that may take some effort to relise its meaning then they give up, passing up all the message and emotion. actually this piece might have drawn me in alittle more too because it reminds me of one i wrote awhile back, same structure and all. and intellegent piece.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

PS, sometimes a poem with a mystery topic are the best ones. ppl just have to try to understand harder, and if they still cant well then its their lose

__________________

thanks a lot for really taking the time to read this. i was begining to wonder if anyone would understand wat i was tryin to say, or if i had just screwed up. thanks to u and also fanta zee for really looking at this and to all who replied. if u have anything else u would like me to see hit me up n i'll take a look.

p.s. ur avatar is hot man.

Had a very passive feel. Misty...fleeting.

Which maybe played well to what i percieved as the subject. Deterioration to death. Demise even. From beinfg on the brink, to actually going over and into it...

...i especially liked how you came back to 'responsibility'. Whcih i percieved as being the person thinking of family. Bills. Money. The person's responsiblity's in life that he/she can no longer fulfill....so becomes sad. But mainly about family.

The end was sweeping. Fitting even. Maybe a bit uneven and akward at times. But i enjoyed reading it. It was eerie, had an unusual sense to it..

Maybe someone who's just been hit by a car. Or the eventual demise of someone with cancer. A man of war. Or a woman of service. It's all relative to this in a way...(i think?!)...

..resp...

this drop was aight..u could have made ur lines longer..n got to the point better..u need to work on ur flow when u do this..but other than that..it was a good topic..n content in it was allright..like i said..it had potential..but u need to flow better..and make ur lines a lil longer

hit up mi P.S its called ~FreeDom~

i didnt understand this too well but it was still quite good jus try and use better vocab in future

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108195

anyway krakajack wats happenig with textbook i was thinking about a recruitment thread do you want me too, pm me