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07-24-08, 08:17 PM | #1 | ||||||
New to RV
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Black Coma (Part 1)
IP: 90F4 56AA
There's something crawling behind her facial expression Scrutiny and mutiny prevail in her forever faithful depression Torn clothing, because the fabric wasn't withstanding like her Supposed to be the perfect girl, thats whats demanded of her Her arms hung by her waist, almost resembling a dummy's Still as fountain water, calm and composed but the trembling plummets Smeared make up, the guard that her identity let's eclipse her Majority think she's an outcast, full of rumors and casts whispers But that's not with her, just tears and stares as she embraces the mirror Digestion unexistent, thoughts stacked whilst her plateless dinners A premature menopause building up, as she fails to concieve bliss Chest out only when shes breathin in, but the breathin never lifts Eyes glistening as if prisms looking in, despising her reflection Drugs are her friend, her ally, didn't take long to realise her affection Except from this surrounding, which so happens to be impounding Escape from this torture, needing a high like the tops of the mountains Not wanting to follow in her father's footsteps, she feels overpowered She's distraught and grieve strucken over her parents' standards She pop's one pill, and moments later she's popping some more Contemplating a multiple suicide by OD'ing and a purchase at the gun store Feeling oppressed is nothing new, it's a cycle of repeatedness Occurs daily within the layers of a hierarchy and underachievements And so the ending seems like it's gonna be a far from a happy one Self murder? Runaway? Or is she gonna make sure that Daddy's gone? Only a young girl know's how it goes, and investigators found her notes So prepare for a black hole journey that starts with a powdered nose... . . . . . And the beginning of this story, has seen the teenager remain nameless Cuz these tear stained pages are those of this narrated protagonist |
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07-24-08, 08:18 PM | #2 | ||||||
New to RV
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IP: 90F4 56AA
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07-25-08, 12:22 AM | #3 | |||||
A Life Of Chryme
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IP: 934F A17A
This was a surprisingly good peace man. Though I feel you failed to stay consistant with your flow and vocab. You had perfect flow and vocab throughout your first half of the verse..though after that it seemed as if you lost and sort of intelligance and sort of brought it to real life...and just straight up said waht you had to say...which wasnt nessacarly bad..but it was very noticable. The imagery was kind of bland to me really....but the emotion was greatly felt...i think thats what made your piece....overal really good drop id give it 7.5 out of ten man..keep up the good work
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A LIFE OF CHRYME |
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12-20-08, 07:19 PM | #4 | |||
сварливый
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IP: 735C 87EC
^ ROFLMFAO.....
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01-07-09, 02:56 AM | #5 | |||||||
New to RV
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IP: EEE6 80E9
If this was a poem and I was a teacher I would give you an A+. But for a song, that grade would be lower....you need a better rhyme scheme and better choice of words.
Scrutiny and mutiny prevail in her forever faithful depression ^In her forever faithful depression? Shakespeare? Is that you? C'mon, my opinion is that you are trying too hard to be complex and all. You didn't seem to care about rhyming it, but rather on making it abstract. The grammar also doesn't need to be perfect when writing a song. Focus more on making it entertaining rather than looking smart. You did have a nice concept here, try to deliver it with less Langston Hughes, |
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