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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
10-03-05, 04:57 PM
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#1
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1926
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"Eyes Wide Shut"
IP: 0825 899A
Got To School... 'The Jock', Care Free.
Greetings Breed This Ego Of Mr. Popularity. Feet Skip Past Girls With A Cocky Swagger, Drag A Scene Behind As All These Calves Herd. I Dance... The Piper, Pipe In Hands, Man Forms To Rat As Four Light Notes Lift Dams. The Flood Gates Break, Just Pump Rain Up. A Sea Of Enslaved People Fills Each Ways Cusp. They Fallow A Step Back, Question's Asked... Left And Right, From The Get Go, To And From Class. Im Idolized Though. My Name's A Grasped Symbol... The Asterisk To This Cold Place's Blackening Whole. *Goes To Class* ...Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing *Bell Rings And He Leaves Class* Meet Up All My People Just Before Class. A Stunning Little Dime Finds A Comfort In Lap. Bull Shit This Line, "You're Eyes Are Beautiful". She Smiles, I Sigh... In Mind Already Through The Hole. .................................... *Kid Walks By, Accidentally Bumps Someone* "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! You Fucking Faggot! Cant You Fucking See? That's My Back Bitch." He Smacks The Kids Face, Gets A Laugh In Late. Looks At His Crowd Now For The Packs Embrace. They, All Love It... So Much Higher Ranked. The Kid Had That Shit Just Comin... Guys A Waste. .................................... This Bitch Is Fucking Gorgeous... High Class Shit. "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! You Fucking Faggot! Cant You Fucking See? That's My Back Bitch." Glance Over To See My Mans Hand Sweep. Cant Even See, But Here A Smack And Laughs Breach. Everyone Smiles So I Hold No Sign Of My Own. Fallow, Although When I See This Kid I Broke. Never Stopped It, As This Kid Flee'd Weeping... Stared Me Right In The Eyes Before They Shut Out These Things. *The Next Day* Just Another Day, Im Great. Why... Even This Shutter Of Education Is Laid Wide. All Are For Me, Discard He Who Your Sold On, I'm Above All, This Communities Bull God. Not Even Arrogant, See When Its Truth... These Led Title Used Hold No U- *EXPLOSIONS RING OUT!!!!* Cover My Head Up As Rubble Tumble Runs By. Close My Eyes And Hope The Thunder Subsides. *A Kid Kicks Open The Doors And Runs In* The Doors Fly Open, Almost Now Broken. Hinges Dangles As People Race To The Ground Choking. The Debris Seize Every Crevice You Can Imagine. Dirt Sifts Through My Hair As The Air Lands Ravaged. It Sits There... Ripping Its Filthy Claws At My Iris. Driving In This Pain Of Not Saving A Tried Kid. *Gunshots Ring Out/ A Figure Stands At Me* I Cant See, I Think Someone Come Up In Front Of Me. SHIT! I CANT FUCKING SEE! "HELP ME PLEASE!!!" *Figure Speaks...* "So Blind To Me Until The Time Of Need... Now It Is I With Eyes Wide Shut And Blind Prestige." *Closes Eyes... * ...BANG!!! . . . . . . . News Reporter: "On the sunny spring day of April 1999, a suburban high school in Jefferson County, Colorado, found itself under attack by two of its own. In less than fifteen minutes of the first-lunch period on that Tuesday, two student gunmen killed 13 and wounded 21 before they turned the guns on themselves - the most devastating school shooting in U.S. history." --------------------------------------------------- Links: http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=209874 http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=208091 |
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10-03-05, 05:15 PM
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#2
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Bann The Deed NOT The Breed
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IP: 9457 B83E
damn good peice id like it to be longer but well this site is fullof lazy ppl lol
but overall i thought it was good you have good flow and structure i liked the quote that sealed it for me nice toucvh to it i like the imagery drebris flying everywhere hinges being busted kids bumping into each other and the news reporter pice was good props atty
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  O.Y.D. |
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10-03-05, 05:25 PM
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#3
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A Life Of Chryme
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IP: 3240 794D
wow man, what to say.......
first off...your structure...wasnt really a problem to me...it seemed to flow nice... your vocab wasnt so great...but you incorporated the nessacary amount of it i think your imagery was very vivid....i think you led me to feel as if i was ur right hand man your emotion...man you made me feeel your anger ur feelings for the girl and everything not one mistake in that catergory.....i know this has to be about columnbine.....although this isnt one of ur stronger pieces...its still an exceptional piece at that...man for real...i appreciate this tribute...and beutifull piece....overall 8/10...keep it up for real....1
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A LIFE OF CHRYME |
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10-04-05, 07:23 PM
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#4
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Not_Indeph
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IP: 28AD 5545
Lol wow the shooting came out of the blue. It actually shocked me. I liked how it accuratly described every situation. MAde realistic which is always good. Vocab was good also. USed all those "wow I forgot that was in the dictionary" words that I love. Good jeezy Atticeezy.
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10-04-05, 10:55 PM
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#5
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Light Weight
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IP: CF74 5D3A
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=210639 (peep this for me)
this was good bu tI think you tried to cover too much right here and it was a columbine story which took about 20% of creactivity but overall it was a decent piece doe 7/10 keep up the good works doe Last edited by gladbag : 10-04-05 at 11:13 PM. |
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10-05-05, 07:25 AM
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#6
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1926
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IP: 28AD 5545
Well, This Wasnt Made To Be An O.M.
... The Columbine Thing Branched Of From The Topic Of 'Closed Eyes' That Was Given. Cuz This If From The Battle, Me vs Tweety/Lola Cruez. And Thanks For The Feedback Everyone. |
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10-05-05, 07:37 AM
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#7
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Above Originality
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IP: D40E 67D5
yea man this shit was..........WOW amazed shit man WERD flowed easy and deep....nice description of every situation man WORD!
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Chryme Syndicate
-Chalkin' Up Your Future |
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10-05-05, 04:55 PM
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#8
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Fuck Parents
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IP: 3240 794D
ok, at first i was like wtf? what does this have to do with the topic you dumbass
but the ending brought it all together, i like how all of your topicals are stories and have like a theme and a storyline n everything like that flow was really good here but the vocab coulda been better this was definately different from your usual work and very unique the details and creativity made the imagery almost perfect
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CS
....for life |
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10-05-05, 05:53 PM
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#9
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IP: 31C2 62EB
Word man damn i was really feeling it, your structure to me was blah , i really wasnt feeling it, emotions and imagery was vivid...you describe everything very detailed and i was really feeling that..your wordplay and vocab was alittle simple but enough to have a good OM'...overall keep it up
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The Competition
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10-05-05, 06:19 PM
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#10
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1926
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IP: 0825 899A
*Scratches Head*
Lol Damn, Im So Lost Here... People Say I'm To Complex, So I Dumb Down And Then They Want The Old Shit. *Shrugs* Thanks For The Feedback Though. |
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10-07-05, 01:48 PM
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#11
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1926
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IP: 28AD 5545
........ Upping This.
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10-09-05, 05:00 AM
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#12
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Light Weight
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IP: CF74 5D3A
well you didn't peep mine so be prepared for the diss homey
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10-09-05, 08:00 PM
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#13
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1926
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IP: 3240 794D
I Leave For The Weekends You Moron.
And Go Ahead And Diss Me, No One Will Care Since You're No One To Any One. Live It Up Homo. |
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10-09-05, 10:37 PM
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#14
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The Rise
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IP: 24BB 344D
This was aactually good drop,and this time I mean it,when i say "good",
like wow the imagery i got from this was good,Vocab was used good,it flowed all well together,the emotion you put into it was nice,structure was good i like how you played it as a story,good concept................ overall this was good-9/10 |
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10-10-05, 10:52 PM
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#15
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Light Weight
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IP: CF74 5D3A
hey man this is all right but completely different from my style and nobody on this site I will repeat nobody on this site can compete with me multi-rhyming lets get this straight all these cats can do is like you doing just hate as my style is the only style that's selling right now dawg
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