im new to rb but i wrote this yest. and would really appreciate feedback..

i cried me a river that led to an ocean
spilled all my feelings and spread out my emotions
you told me you loved me so i let my heart open
then you said it was over leaving me crushed and broken

i tried building a bridge that would cover the pain
but in the past you walked across it and took all i had to gain
you got to the other side before i had a chance to change
and once again walked away leaving me full of shame

i threw my tears in the river along with my soul
and let the currents flow take total control
as i slowly walked across, the swinging bridge couldnt hold
all the weight i was still carrying, so it began to fold

i felt the rope shaking from this side to that side
so i turned and looked back and saw you trying to hide
i realized you were pulling me back, making it even harder to try
so i stopped trying to run i decided just fight it back or die

i pushed you back trying to get out of your sight
but you shoved me over the rope, i started praying for life
then you reached out for my hand trying to make things alright
i trusted you one last time, and you watched me fall thru the night

i hit the water like concrete; gasping for some air
waves crashing me against the rocks slamming me here to there
then you dove in swimming after me like you cared
and i tumbled down a waterfall, why cant this be a nightmare?

after the long drop everything became calm and smooth
and i attempted to get out the water but i was struggling to move
finally, i was washed onto a shore, all broken and bruised
i freelycrawled on the beach, and vaguely still saw an image of u

CAN I EVER ESCAPE YOUR PAINFUL PLEASURE?
OR AM I TRAPPED IN THIS ENDLESS TORTURE FOREVER?


thanks...

__________________
my head is clouded with senseless doubt
but this seems to be my only escape route
so ill slither my way across the ground
to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

damn im loving your structure the first and the last paragraphs are what im feeling the most ..shyt was deep i know how it feels ..been going thru some shyt myself..figure'd id give u feed back the title fits the poem perfectly and im glad it was worth taking the time out to read

aww thanks, yea its just everything i felt the past year, you know, its really not about a certain person its more love in general, afraid to make that extra step, but afraid to lose...

waitin for more replies;
newbie needs advice...thanks..

__________________
my head is clouded with senseless doubt
but this seems to be my only escape route
so ill slither my way across the ground
to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

you show alot of talent for a newbie!
this piece was full of emotion
and you showed it well
your flow was basic but didnt take away from the piece
and structure was simple as well
your message was strong
and you didnt play it out making it long with out any change
kept us interested and made new changes to keep us reading
your ending was good
but i felt your intro could be improved a bit more
and your vocab too.
nice piece

~Tera~
DONT HATE

__________________

this was nice i gotta say also it did have alote of emotiom....nice image of the poem...great stuff keep it up...


peace

thanks...


waitin for more replies..

__________________
my head is clouded with senseless doubt
but this seems to be my only escape route
so ill slither my way across the ground
to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

damn...for a newb you really brought a lot of power in your words...good creative thoughts you kept the reader motivated and captured which is hard...keep it up mayn...peep my stuff thanks

__________________
Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

HELL I KNOW WOT UR SAYIN HERE. BEIN IN LOVE CAN BE UP AND DOWN. IM LIKIN THIS PIECE MAN. SHOWN GREAT EMOTION IN A STRONG CIRCUMSTANCE. SWEET DAWG

PEACE OUT.

thanks..any more..thoughts??and rule ill check ya stuff...

__________________
my head is clouded with senseless doubt
but this seems to be my only escape route
so ill slither my way across the ground
to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

if you are a girl then i really liked it kna mean but if your a guy then you need to man up bitch kna mean, it was real good it shows how some niggas can be kna mean keep postin more positive shit like this and move on with ya life ma kna mean

(crossing fingers hoping it's a chick lmao)

yea its a chick lol...

__________________
my head is clouded with senseless doubt
but this seems to be my only escape route
so ill slither my way across the ground
to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

blynded hit me up ma kna mean so we can convo

damn, this shit come from the heart and if I was dumb like dat, I'd say dat the shit you said was real. But 4real off the hypothetical tip, yo shit is real. Keep it up

__________________
Ya shit is no competition like 'trucker hats' against some 'fitteds'
nigga I'll fade u away like J's on the ballin court in a 'arcura' wit 'tinteds' -mindkontrol

none yall niggas wanna see me...

thanks everyone ill keep ya tips in mind...
til next time...

__________________
my head is clouded with senseless doubt
but this seems to be my only escape route
so ill slither my way across the ground
to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~