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04-22-06, 11:48 PM | #1 | |||||||
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how bad food posioning really is
IP: BCB5 EAE6
i whent into work about a quater to nine
rack up the dishes ate brunch and felt fine then all of assuden my feet started shaking pucking up blood my stomach was aching what could it be ive never felt this before simular symptoms kilt the kid right next door ambulance arrived lights bright as the sun my kidney exsploaded out my lips where blood runs i fall to my knees try to scream out for help the pain was tramendas insicions i felt dicisions i delt from the food that i ate the person next to me could see and relate a tub down his throat iv's on his arm i didn't know bad food could cause so much harm the doctor cam in said it's time for your shot hit every single place even my sensitive spots i siad hey dawg drop down the needle you think the devils bad you don't won't to see evil two seconds later the late faded dim when it was over my symptoms felt slim no longer felt ill or ach in anyway shap or form why did i fell this way i said. your appendix was torn i laughed then i gigle and said where is the grub im hungry as hell give me some food in a tub i could eat the whole thing shit i felt i was starving fuck taco bell or burger king country kitchens my garden i whent back to work people talked and they cheered the death of there favorite cook is all that they feard i put on my apron grabbed a steak and some unions two days ago i almost died now im fine an't that something but hey everything happens just for a reason mine was for cooking nomore additive seasonings i'll stick to the non seasond hasbrown we put on our grill no way im dieng from food cookings my life thats for real so heres a sad story true but still scarry something you love can be the thing that gets you barried but enough of the chatter enough of the typing im still alive another 20 minutes and i might not be |
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04-22-06, 11:49 PM | #2 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: BCB5 EAE6
uppin..........uppin.................uppin........ .......uppin................uppin.............uppi n.....for feed back if you don't like it thats cool if you do like it thats cool to but what ever
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04-22-06, 11:54 PM | #3 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: BCB5 EAE6
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04-22-06, 11:57 PM | #4 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: BCB5 EAE6
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04-26-06, 09:21 PM | #5 | ||||||
New to RV
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IP: 2029 97B3
this was an original concept right here i dont think i read one like this before.
however your rhyme scheme was pretty basic. try to elevate by adding more imagry and definitely by tryna throw in some internal rhyme. as far as somethin that kinna stood out id prolly say "i could eat the whole thing shit i felt i was starving fuck taco bell or burger king country kitchens my garden" multisyllable rhymes keep the reader inerested "but enough of the chatter enough of the typing im still alive another 20 minutes and i might not be" i wasnt feeling these last two lines though, i dont think it was a strong enough ending and the rhyme scheme wasn't there. keep it up tho..
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04-26-06, 10:43 PM | #6 | ||||
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IP: 5B30 0354
Closed those links didnt contains adequate feedback
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