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05-25-03, 02:25 AM | #1 | ||||||
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"Injection"...
IP: C1DA C961
hey..Check it...Tell me what you think...Anything welcome..Bad or good..Thankz
Injection... They say that you have done Wrong And that this is now where you belong It was more than theft or tokin' a bong They escort you down the Grey Halls Nothing on the side, but jail cells and walls You couldn't respect the laws You just had to take his damn life Now your leaving behind 2 kids and a wife It's a shame you couldn't make better choices Maybe you shouldn't listen to those inner voices You have now done your time For commiting such a hideous crime Your set to be Exicuted Your life will be intruded What made you commit homocide? Now your gonna die... As you walk into the Chamber You know your lifes in danger They Chain you Down to the Table You try to fight, but you aren't able Watching the doctor walk around you Clutching your fist so hard they turn blue You realise there is nothing you can do Your inside burn like a deep infection On your arm you feel A light Compression Then you fall Limp From the Injection. |
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05-25-03, 03:06 PM | #2 | ||||||
Light Weight
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IP: 640C 3FBD
What a suprise, another good one from you It started off pretty good and got better. I liked the content and flow of it too.
"As you walk into the Chamber You know your lifes in danger They Chain you Down to the Table You try to fight, but you aren't able Watching the doctor walk around you Clutching your fist so hard they turn blue You realise there is nothing you can do Your inside burn like a deep infection On your arm you feel A light Compression Then you fall Limp From the Injection." That was my favorite part. Very good descriptions in it. I liked how it rhymed too. Those last 3 lines are really good. Keep posting them. |
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05-25-03, 07:36 PM | #3 | ||||||
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IP: C1DA C961
Thank you once again!..I will post some more soon.
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05-26-03, 05:11 AM | #4 | ||||||
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IP: 4982 3651
damn babygirl that shit was off tha chain..it was simple but put me in awww..over all that shit was tight,keep postin boo.
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05-26-03, 01:48 PM | #5 | ||||||
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IP: C1DA C961
Thank you!
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05-26-03, 03:39 PM | #6 | ||||||
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IP: CAD1 2146
hmmmmm, i like, like, i think u could have a spot at the revalation angels, my gurl angelic does poetry too, yall could make a great team
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05-26-03, 03:52 PM | #7 | ||||||
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IP: 399E F0FD
You really think so? wow lol...Thanks for letting me know. Do I have to try out to get in or something?
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05-26-03, 05:31 PM | #8 | |||||||
Eternal
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IP: B967 916C
That has great flow, realistic and quite sudden, i liked it, it really gets you in and keeps you there, a poetic way of seeing crime, nice angle!
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05-26-03, 05:35 PM | #9 | ||||||
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IP: 399E F0FD
Thank you..I appreciate your reply. Do you think I need to make any changes with anything? any help you can give will be greatly appreciated...thanks...
peAce |
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05-26-03, 05:53 PM | #10 | |||||||
Eternal
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IP: B967 916C
I think it's great, and you wrote what you though, you don't need to change anything, but if i wrote it this is what i would do:
'It was more than theft or tokin' a bong' and 'Now your leaving behind 2 kids and a wife', the former needs more of a refined or poetic wording rather than slang, though i understand slang is there to relate to inmates. The latter should relate to you rather then a generalization of people on death row, and emphasis on the loss of family would give more feeling. I loved it though, it was excellent |
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05-26-03, 06:15 PM | #11 | ||||||
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IP: 4577 CD9A
I agree. It was just something different to write on. I have about 25 poems on me. lol. Thank you so much for your help...
peAce |
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05-26-03, 08:05 PM | #12 | ||||||
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IP: 06B6 AD25
gurl dat was some ill shit
loved every word keppit up boo |
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05-26-03, 09:00 PM | #13 | ||||||
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IP: 4577 CD9A
Thanks! I really appreciate it
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