Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
10-06-03, 08:14 PM | #1 | ||||||
Guest
|
"Lost"
IP: FCFD 63E9
Please tell me what you think...
Hes that kid everyday you see sitting alone at school The one where you see his Grandma pick him up in car-pool He passes you in the halls, and you don't bother to say "Hi" You just keep talking to your friends, and let him walk by People whisper things behind his turned back Saying made-up shit like, he does crack No one ever talks to him, or pays him any attention Then he gives up, you start seeing him in detention Nobody cares for what he has to say So his mouth is shut, and it stays that way Everyone looks at him like he don't belong there They make fun of his face, even his clothes and hair He goes through two years in high school, having no friends Giving up on everything, like people and recent trends being bullied always, never getting a break Hes had all that he can take You seem him stand up, then just walk out his class All your friends laugh and call him a dumbass You know that something is really wrong Theres something that dont belong You hear a door down the hall suddenly slam In the hall everyone starts to cram You hear some whispers coming from a stall in the bathroom Then silence falls upon the school by a loud 'boom' A teacher walks in and we hear a scream Blood is running from a stall in a stream they say, we were just playing, not knowing the cost No more worries now, another soul is lost its kinda dumb lol...Tell m what u think please!..Thank yah! |
||||||
10-07-03, 10:12 AM | #2 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: F718 7AAD
This is good. It flowed well and was simple put the point was very clear. I can relate because I used to be that boy till I stood up and made something to myself. Life is what YOU make it. Again good drop, keep writin JT
|
||||||
10-07-03, 12:34 PM | #3 | |||||||
BANNED
|
IP: 7AA4 D75E
ive read a peice like this before IN FACT VERY similiar
i felt you could have taken this farther if you would re do this peice take th e topic add in personal opinions and stregthen it up a bit it wold be spectacular the topic is one that i think weve all seeen ( being youve been in school before) theres always that kid walkin down the hall that you look at n stare at and if by chance he comes your way? you move away i understand this peice and id love to see it redone to a higher level |
|||||||
10-07-03, 03:59 PM | #4 | ||||
Word.
|
IP: 9C1E 2B43
Yeah i agree...this was a pretty good piece...i felt that i could relate to this...it flowed pretty well as i read it...word choice was good i thought...the way you had it structured was pretty good too...but overall it was a good piece...keep at it.
|
||||
10-07-03, 04:31 PM | #5 | |||||||
Sharp Perfection.
|
IP: 4427 B15C
iight
theres always seems to be one of him/her at every school/peer group, and even thou that doesnt happen all the time, it still isnt a very happy thing for them to go throu, and even thou ppl say nah, i dont ingore any one, or over look any body, take a closer look and maybe you'll find that you've over looked them for so long now you just dont see them anymore. its true. anywho this piece was nice, had a good message to it, and a good flow, it made you think and relise some things too. ~Tera~ DONT HATE
__________________
R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
|||||||
10-07-03, 07:11 PM | #6 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 0E78 FDA1
Thanks for all the replies...I was thinking about re-doing this one so I guess I will. I feel I could make it better...thanks for the advice
peAce |
||||||
10-08-03, 03:20 PM | #7 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 9AA0 AB03
this was a tight piece, it ended too soon but other than that i thought this piece was pretty tight, nice imagery, nice wordplay, alright vocab.~1~
|
||||||
10-08-03, 07:27 PM | #8 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: C559 1510
thanks for the fedback on it. I am gonna do some work on it so i think it will be better when im done..Thankz...
peAce |
||||||
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|