I'll melt yo brain like Eskimo pies in July/
Bombing bastards like kamikazes so I guess that makes me fly/
I make suckas sour like lemons dropped it cream/
Fistfucking your nostrils, highjacking yo bad dreams/
Join the fucking navy, "be the best that you can be"/
unfortunately for you, at best that's a "C"/
You're a pansy ass goink, sucking down more fruits than Kirby/
Best protect ya neck, I catch more wreck then a destruction derby/
Driving in ya "love machine" saying you Cheech and Chong/
But the only love machine you got is a buttplug fitted thong/
you're a Knock-kneed nerd, swinging at me wildly/
Fronting like Pharell, gonna get your face caved in G/
I'ma kill you slowly, like a woman window shopping/
It'll resemble your first date, sending your belly flopping/
So "back the fuck off" like a cheap taxidermie job/
Or get your mullet shucked like a corn on the cob/


???

This actually wasnt that pad... had some great punches throughout.. nothing revolutionary, but still quite dope... it just that a few of your lines were weak (like the opener) and your verse is stretched... it helps the flow and general appearance if your lines are similar in length...

also try using some better metaphors... they always help... also try to incorporate multies if you can do it without losing punch quality...

hope that helped.

that bad*.... my bad

Thanks.

Any other opinions?

I'll melt yo brain like Eskimo pies in July/
Bombing bastards like kamikazes so I guess that makes me fly/
this wasnt bad.. the first line was kinda played but obviously you are new so u will learn what is played and not played.. 2nd line wasnt really a punch but i havent seen anyone do anything like it, it was origional
I make suckas sour like lemons dropped it cream/
Fistfucking your nostrils, highjacking yo bad dreams/
you know what i noticed..your first line is a punch wit a meta/wordplay in it, but then your 2nd is another punch, but it isnt as direct.. work on your set up and maybe flip flop ya lines around..then pick 1 concept and work on leading into that with you first line
Join the fucking navy, "be the best that you can be"/
unfortunately for you, at best that's a "C"/
this was another decent punch... the first line was kinda played and wack, but like i said before you are new and u will learn, everyone started out just like you
You're a pansy ass goink, sucking down more fruits than Kirby/
Best protect ya neck, I catch more wreck then a destruction derby/
nice punch... the first line was alittle played wit the gay concept, but the kirby line was origional and made up for it..and the 2nd line again was played wit he concept of protect ya neck, but u came origional again wit the destruction derby so again, it made up for it and took the played punch and made it a good origional one, creative
Driving in ya "love machine" saying you Cheech and Chong/
But the only love machine you got is a buttplug fitted thong/
lol.. this was kinda funny.. good punch..first line needed work but the 2nd was worded well, you coulda even worded better to make the punch hit harder
you're a Knock-kneed nerd, swinging at me wildly/
Fronting like Pharell, gonna get your face caved in G/
another punch just like the rest..this one wasnt as creative though but not bad
I'ma kill you slowly, like a woman window shopping/
It'll resemble your first date, sending your belly flopping/
lol..another funny punch..the first line was ok and the 2nd was funny..good
So "back the fuck off" like a cheap taxidermie job/
Or get your mullet shucked like a corn on the cob/
word.. not a bad closer..

your verse wasnt bad.. it had some good punches in there, and all were decent, really no fillers.. your just starting off too, so u will learn alot more... read some battles in LLL to see whats witty and dope... try to use more metas and wordplay, not just forced ones though.. your wordplay was simple but it still wasnt bad, but it could be better... you also use alot of vocab, which isnt needed in a battle.. u would make a good topical writer..

ohh and to add.. your flow was pretty good though out
ya lines were pretty even threw the whole thing no doubt
they were a good length.. not to stretched like most n00bs
its good how u didnt use """ round ya wordplay...
....like most newbies do!
but there is some things u could do to make it better my friend
u could even out the lines more and drop the / at the end!!!!!!


lmao Emerge..Helping a verse wit a verse is dope...theres your rhyme

__________________

Thanks for the line-by-line man, that really helped me.