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Old 10-10-07, 02:40 AM   #1
сварливый
 
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Two Opposite Directions.

IP: 30B6 8894

Think of a teenager, right fast, any shape, size, color and height,
And this person might pass off for any known emotion other than fright,
So he/she walks in the night... Not because they fight with their parents,
Every mornin', about different irritating things, keeping connection distorted.
And 2v.. Might just try to explain this but the way you perceive it,
Is what keeps me up on weekdays and trying to explain myself on weekends,
Anyway... Lemme keep up the play - On words, I say this, well..
I only mean it as the bricks I lay for the story I'm tryin' to tell,
That teen you thought of, whether near-like a friend, family, or random,
You wanted THAT person to fit with the words I'm writin' to brand 'em,
So your made up person is standin'
...on the street bench waiting........ for their mother
On a street that's fuckin' dark & long, with big buildin's and deep gutters.
& remember it's night, knives - that's a detail vivid I give with alarm,
No guns to be had on the average joe 'cuz strong men extendin' they arms
And women get harmed, in this natural world of sinnin' & scorn,
All livin' is born from the pleasure & pain from limited porn.
You gotta give to receive to where's the crime to be had?
..... So kid's who don't get taught kindness of course will go bad.
He grabbed the bag, that guy in the window you see in-between
The two stories on building B but it's un-noticed by your teen...
Your world is light when theirs is dark so you see the person quite clearly,
As he jets from the window, coming out of the building, 30 seconds nearly.
So he crosses the street, J-walkin', but no police,
It's fucking 2 AM and there's some bitch lost, not lookin' neat,
And he needs some cash, Hey! You're a human! Guess what's next?
He brought the knife we talked about in the beginning of this text.
Dude walks near the teen, they sense somethings up with this 'Joe',
'Cuz why's he walkin' fast in a hoodie at night,
Not on the OTHER side of the road?
They wanna get up and run, but shit, you might just take a breather,
After-all.. This is just a teen YOU made up as the reader....

Right???...

The dude walks right behind the lone bench-warmer....
Still closer to the back of the neck as any inch-quarter,
........ A sudden loss of security, but he passes by,
With a hiccup like breath and no passage of eyes..
3..4..5.. seconds away, you pray he makes the corner now,
6........................7...................8.... .............. Too Late: He turns around.
With the blade-dagger out, aimed straight for your teen's head,
'Cuz HE was walkin' home from just visitin' a friend,
In a place where it costs to live a shitty life for some bread,
Just so HE can stay away from the place where everybody wants him dead.
And he stole all your teen's money as he/she bled to death on the bench,
Later her momma came home and saw her child dead on the bench,
Where-as the cops were told to come see this young soul dead on the bench,
'Cuz some mother fucker needed money.
And as he walked down his block, He had no thoughts except rage
That your teen was the only one that was caught in the stage,
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I tear the page, fuck what anyone finds to be appealin',
'Cuz money is power, so it's bad when you use your power to steal it,
But the killer GOT a job, and he helps homeless, sometimes the deaf,
So they don't GOTTA kill, steal money, or try searchin' for death
Life is tough, don't just say fuck it, He says, cocked,
'Till he got tried for murder charges with blood leadin' to his block.
His friend knew he left at the exact time of the murder,
The cops was who he said to,
So people accuse, & now everyone in this town wants him dead too.
So he's leavin', no need to defend himself, lie for the bust,
He just went back to the murder scene and had to wait for the bus..........
Crows started barkin', a charmin' sound at 7 in Morning,
The bus-stop tree had no leaves 'cuz it was winter 'n pooring.
The crows kept up and gathered, on that one small tree,
And crows are ugly as fuck, of course it made his heart beat.
He thought of the blood he was sitting in. His hands, money he spent,
Not for gunning or rent, all them honnies get bent,
But before he loses his thoughts in the tiny tree covered in birds,
He awakes to the sound of a parked bus, not shunning or turned,
He's startled. Gets up, grabs his things, and walks in,
As the crows who've just seen him and know of his crime committed,
They say nothing and fly in the opposite direction.

The image can only be seen through the eyes of your teen.

If they were alive by this sentence.


\End\
Written & Presented By: 2v
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Old 10-10-07, 12:43 PM   #2
DaTrusHurtz
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This was a pretty good piece I'd say, tho I've seen a bunch of topicals with similar stories. Nice way to end, lots of detail to the piece which was good, and for the most part, the flow was on point with good multies. The only thing I think u coulda done better was use more "descriptive lines" over "story telling lines" For example:

And women get harmed, in this natural world of sinnin' & scorn,
All livin' is born from the pleasure & pain from limited porn.

OR

I tear the page, fuck what anyone finds to be appealin',
'Cuz money is power, so it's bad when you use your power to steal it

Those lines were nice. They tell the story without specifically saying whats going on or what the teenager is doing. Try writin' more like that for next time. Good shit tho, worth the read.
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Old 10-10-07, 01:11 PM   #3
ThatsWhatSheSaid
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Nice Idea for a topical, I like how common ideas can be presented in different perspectives. It was pretty easy to picture and follow but a couple points had me like eh, whats happenin now. I thought the overal story being told was ok, but the way you involved the reader made it more interesting. I was kinda' hoping for a different ending, but not bad, lyrics were on point, flow was good except for a few repetitive spots, it was enjoyable and didnt bore the reader, keep it up, make any more let me know'
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Old 10-11-07, 12:28 AM   #4
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Thank you very much. Do you write?

I'll leave feed if you got stuff, etc.

Leave links plz.
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Old 10-11-07, 12:30 PM   #5
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Old 10-11-07, 12:55 PM   #6
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This is verified, leave links please
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Old 10-11-07, 01:33 PM   #7
Cola
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I tear the page, fuck what anyone finds to be appealin',
'Cuz money is power, so it's bad when you use your power to steal it

Def a dope line right here, i pretty much agree with DTH, your story telling ability can only get better with more practice....i thought you did a good job on the WHOLE story, but i think certain areas of how you relate the details of the story can be improved...

stay up

-Philly
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Old 10-13-07, 09:19 PM   #8
Antonio Banderas
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Actually, this was pretty good because I could actually draw a picture in my head of the piece and put together the story that you were getting accross to the audience. The lenght of this passage was good and the description of what is happening was composed pretty well.
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Old 10-15-07, 12:48 PM   #9
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I still want feed. Thanks
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Old 10-15-07, 12:55 PM   #10
Dickard.
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2v, im at the library right now waitin for my next class, but i'll give u some proper feed wen i get home.

and ill give u lengthy feed if u drop an honest vote on both of my battles please

so basically votes for feed...n u vote honestly of course
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Old 10-23-07, 12:26 AM   #11
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Blah, it's shitty aint it

leave feed and tell me how mother fucking shitty this piece of crap topical is right now.
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Old 10-23-07, 09:14 AM   #12
Dickard.
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okay here we go:

You started off good man...i was loving it, it had good flow and was on point for the most part.

Though the first 4 lines didnt really draw me in..i sort of had to force my self to keep reading...which im glad i did.

You displayed good imagery and meaning with your piece man....and dont just be like word w/e. Because being a topical head, it is very important to have both. And you also showed good discipline as a writer and incorporated very distinct emotion....you didnt add excessive amounts of it...you let the reader pick up his/her own idea of what you wrote creating their own emotion. Which i have yet to see, and its actually quite dope.

A couple problems I saw, would have been your wording...Your vocabulary wasn't outstanding but...this is the type of piece that you want to keep it on a mid-level which u did...I would just refrain from using words like "so," 1-2 times is fine...but after that it sort of is a little 2 noticeable.

Your flow did fall off a bit in the second verse, though ur meaning was mroe appreciated and distinct. You also fell off and basically could use a little work on your wording.

So basically everything is fine, the read was good....i think you should be a topical head...and part time text....you have some good talent 2v. My only concern with you, would be your wording.

Quotables:

''And 2v.. Might just try to explain this but the way you perceive it,
Is what keeps me up on weekdays and trying to explain myself on weekends''

''So your made up person is standin'
...on the street bench waiting........ for their mother
On a street that's fuckin' dark & long, with big buildin's and deep gutters.''

''And women get harmed, in this natural world of sinnin' & scorn,
All livin' is born from the pleasure & pain from limited porn.''

''I tear the page, fuck what anyone finds to be appealin',
'Cuz money is power, so it's bad when you use your power to steal it,''
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Old 10-24-07, 11:16 AM   #13
lild
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not bad at all ya flow was good vocab was tight overall tight shit
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Old 11-12-07, 02:23 PM   #14
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come on y'all, I got 'till december 10th for feedback and I know I see heads in the forum who aint hit this up.

leave a link and ill get you back G's
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Old 11-13-07, 10:45 PM   #15
HELLonEARTH
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You've got a nice way to paint the story, but the details are still blurry. It's pretty complex, and in a story verse it's tough to make it mean something and stay complex, but you handle it pretty well. It goes over smooth, even if at times a bit forced. The three bench lines, while difficult to change, could be developed to make the story more powerful.

Overall, a very nice piece. Try to keep syllable count the same in something poetic or story based. Try Pentameter or Hexameter.

Much love.
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