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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
02-19-06, 08:17 PM
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#1
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.:Certified Mystique:.
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Heres a quick ten that is up for a collab
IP: BC5F 5748
Not my best work but if someone can put this as a topic and write a verse to it to make a collab with me hit me up and we can work on a hook...word...1
Im struggling with the problems of everyday life Cant deal with it,I want to end the everyday strife I have an itching buzz to end this feeling of pain Lurking is tha killer waiting for his chance to slain Then plain as day the haters tore him limb from limb Suddenly the light to heaven wasnt seeming so dim That calamity put me into a great state of depression My life was caving in and i cant escape tha compression I couldnt give up, didnt want to wind up on a flat line Why waste this great life and this even greater mind |
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02-20-06, 10:35 AM
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#2
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New to RV
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IP: 8BFF 8443
not bad...
good flow rhymes were good but try adding a couple more multies and if u want someone to collab with that try making it longer
__________________
..LP..
 Quote:
R.i.P EP. 1-3-05. |
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02-28-06, 12:56 PM
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#3
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Middle Weight
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IP: 215F 8CED
"waiting for his chance to slain" this is worded extremely ocwardly... I get what you're trying to say... but the word slain is just used wrong... you need it in a different tense... anyway aside from that this was aight... You mentioned yaself via "I" a lil too much... if the subject character hasn't changed and it does nothing for you lyrically there is no reason to constantly reintroduce the subject character... the readers already know who you're talking about untill change the subject character to someone, or thing else...
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\....../ \..../ \../ A.I. Spilled Inc.   |
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