Rules:

Battles Go Up Friday
Check In Due Sunday By 11:59 PM Eastern Time
Verses Due Tuesday By 11:59 PM Eastern Time
Voting Ends Thursday By 11:59 PM Eastern Time

20 Lines Minimum
40 Lines Maximum

No Biting
No Recycling
Do Not Go Over The Line Limit Or Under The Line Limit
Meaning No Less Than 20 Lines No More Than 40 Lines

You Must Vote On 3 Battles Per Week And Edit Them Into Your Check-In.. If You Dont Do So, Youre Banned From The Tourney The Following Week


Topic : Disabled

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RV's Only 3 Time Topical Tourney Champion

check in g luck yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaeh!

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vs super

http://community.rapverse.com/showb...918915&posted=1

well he missed the check out so I will stille drop me verse tho so I can get critiqued by it peace.

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vs super

http://community.rapverse.com/showb...918915&posted=1

When I lie here on dis bed my life is gone for this fatial day,
When my legs where trapped on that door it held my thoughts at bay.
The nurses treat me like as if I am a piece of their workers pay,
for now my soul is tourn and my spirit has been slayed.
My time seems short and my days turn to months,
for now I can;t see my homies or evens smoke my blunts.
it will take me years they say that I will be able to walk,
but all I do not want to do is go to court and talk.
The fatal days of my last normal life,
I could still hear the fatal screams of my dear lovely wife.
The car was only going 80 but when I took the curb,
it was about going 90 before I even got hit by that herb.
As the screams got quiet and the smoke cleared,
I looked at my wife at once what was my worse fear.
My legs pinned to my sides and hearing no slight breath.
I could not do anything but cry out for her dear name witch is Beth.
AS THE paramadic came to my aid I saw what was left of my car,
twisted metal turn to shrap I knew that I wanted that herb behind bars.
So it has been about 2 mnths ago and I am here still learning how to walk,
for they say that my brain has lead me not to be able to talk.
So this is my story of what had happened from a perfect life,
to being disabeled and having ur world ripped like ur wife.

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vs super

http://community.rapverse.com/showb...918915&posted=1

well looks like a no show so get some feed or what??

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vs super

http://community.rapverse.com/showb...918915&posted=1

uno on dis one.

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post1902035

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vs super

http://community.rapverse.com/showb...918915&posted=1

cough cough number two!

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post1903458

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vs super

http://community.rapverse.com/showb...918915&posted=1

and my last vote for the week but my third to cut it peace.

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post1904005

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vs super

http://community.rapverse.com/showb...918915&posted=1

Okay, this verse definately has potential....

The way you approached it was nice with the car accident and such but try to give us some more indepth emotion, let us feel all the pain, struggle of learning how to walk again... Also describe the accident in a more vivid way with better imagery like we were there when it happened.

Vocab was okay but avoid rhyming with the same word twice (wife - life). Your structure was ok, flow was good but maybe try to put into paragraphs or put it in center so it looks nicer...

Also, you used "fatal" 3 times in few lines somewhere,try to get more synonyms or such. No hate though, just trying to help you out and make you get better. Keep at it man!

DQ

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this was a nice piece you wrote.. try to switch up your vocab and try not to stretch your lines.. the content was aight.. the story line was very good, but it needed to be written a lil' bit better, try using more adjectives and adverbs.. for instance, don't say "on the bench at night"... say something like "on the old wooden bench @ day break" or something like that, just get creative and don't think too simple.. do ya thang tho..
my vote/ 50haterkilla (for showing up)

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vote, 50 for showing up, wunl,.....................

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http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post1907297

heres another on peace!

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vs super

http://community.rapverse.com/showb...918915&posted=1