Topic: Shadows
Due: Tuesday April 1st.
Line max: 16 lines any more will not be counted.

The top 15 will advance.

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dont know if im to late but i had a funeral and i dont have a comp in ny so if its to late move it to the regular forum please if not then
phrantic pm me and let me know or write it here i dont care
juss let me know asap

My shadow creeps behind me in the the absence of light//
I can not see anymore, untill my soul ignites//
I scream and roar,but can not decide wrong or right//
Am I at fault for the choices ive made in this exsistance//
Now i stand here with my mind in a distance//
Its seems my shadow is the only one who know the real me//
And yet i still try to hide from him like he cant see//
He knows my every indiscresetion//
And still i try to lead him in a misdirection//
Why do i mislead myself//
Even though I know the consequences to my health//
I know that my shadow see things clearer//
Cuz for me its like lookin in a distorted mirror//
So shadow i apologize//
From now on ill be real, no more lies//

closed until judging.

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Start voting

I actually think this is the best you've done and regardless of the crap you put about my written LOL you deserve to go to the next round.

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SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)

srry deacon juss my opinion i like the shit u write most of the time i juss wasnt feelin the piece srry dawg
anyways thanks for the vote

it was good... vote next round

This was well put...

...strong, structured fairly well...and good imagery....

...but also at times blunt, with a slightrly disrupted flow....

...it was a toss up between you and linez drawn...but i had to go with Linez Drawn, as i liked his approach to the topic and the overall execution (apart from how he ended it)..

..Vote: DOES NOT go through..


(anyway, you got enough votes to go through, probably)...

^votes dont count.

Tik's scale of grade:

Metaphors:
i didnt really see any, and if i did they werent made clear. poorly done in the metaphorical sence.

Imagery:
mediocre, use more discriptive, gripping words to grab my attention.

Originality/Style:
poor, i did not see a real point to this poem. you took it and talked directly about your shadow not trying to disguise a hidden meaning, therefore being very blunt and straight forward, unoriginal. your style kinda through me off at the begginning with the three lines that all rhymed off the same word, and then switched to the two lines. very confusing and hard to read along to, i never saw a flow.

Overall:
You need elevation. You have some good ideas but need to write themfirst and then revise fixing little mistakes. Try to be deep.
On a scale of 1-10 id have to rank it an 4.5

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