eh, shit. I promised I'd feed this so I won't let yall down... This will be some intense feed because both of you actually dropped decent pieces, and JTR was on my power ranks, so... here it goes, I hope you guys didn't disappoint.
one way - Ok. Decent thoughtful piece, I used to write to these types of topics every week. Usually, they're a good solid topic to write to, but... you have to remember to think outside the box, because sometimes you'll find that someone else wrote about the same shit & then the voters will be like "the topic is played, i've seen it before, yadda yadda", and I NEVER like hearing that... I feel that you have some potential as far as content goes, you proved to me that you won't be stuck on some boring ass shit, you'll actually try to impress me and others with your intellect. BUT.. you did have some major flaws throughout the piece, so let me critique you to help you in the future... First off, your lines made sense, which is one of the main parts of topical writing, but another big part of it is impressing your reader and making it fun for them to read. Not downing the piece in general, but you could've made it a lot more interesting to read if you would've added internal rhyming, or multiple end rhymes, more than one syllable. Because when I see someone who has enough talent and/or skill to make their whole piece have lines packed with internals and multies, & THEN it makes sense? I can't HELP but vote for them. It just proves how much work or skill they put in their shit... I'm not trying to say you had a boring piece or that you didn't put any work forth, what I'm trying to say is this could and should be a LOT better. So, if you take this critique to heart, next week I'd love to see some internals or multies... Also, your flow was a little choppy, another reason why I believe in internals and multies, if you would've had more of them in your lines it would've read much smoother. I liked one part of it, not because of the content just an example of what I'm looking for...
Quote:
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Originally Posted by one way
If your words were heard by somebody
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This is a prime example for what I'm looking for, if you have 2 or three of them in a line it really makes your verse stand out.. Or you could just have one, and then one at your end rhyme and follow up on the next line. This writing type deal is a lot like text, just more poetic. You have your set-up lines and your punch lines, but keep in mind your telling a story. So when you write your set up line, you should be going with the story, when the punch line comes in, you should kill it and follow up with something important to the context. Its hard to master, hell I haven't even done it yet, but if you ever do learn how to write like that, you'll be unstoppable. So, thanks for showing and following the rules this week, dope shit for showing as well... I believe this is the first battle I've seen this week that the voters are really liking, and I give you both credit for that... But tremendous job on helping me out as far as following the rules.. keep doing this week in and week out, keep elevating, and you'll find yourself as a writer later on.. it does take time so don't rush it. but keep writing my man, please take my advice if you wouldn't mind... in no way I'm tryng to say i'm a better writer, just trying to help a fellow writer out...
vs.
JTR - Well, you actually had a weird verse to me. Lol I guess its just your style. Not that I didn't like it, just that I'm not used to it. You had the multies and internals that I was looking for, but the lack of punctuation really sturred me up while reading. I could never take a breath because you had no commas, even though I wasn't reading aloud it was buggin the shit out of me. You had a pretty good verse though, like what I expected. Another reason you're in the powerranks is because your someone the newer guys could learn something off of. Maybe you being in this league will rub off on them, maybe they'll try some of the stuff your bringing to the table, hell who knows maybe they'll elevate into a legend because YOU helped them. Feel me? But like always I'm gonna drop some advice to you that'll help you as a writer if you accept it, which is your decision. Like I said, you had a smooth flow throughout the entire verse, BUT I didn't like the fact that you were kind of all over the place. It was rather annoying because first I was trying to see your outlook on society and rap music, and then you went into a short story about lil' jack... which was dope as fuck... then you stepped out of the realness vibe I saw and said 'see I made that story up' it kinda diminished the vibe I had going... So, imo you should try to brainstorm on a specific topic. Think outside the box like I told one way. Think of all the different things 'behind the lines' could mean.. for me, it could've been the outlook on a son or daughter of a coke head... that would've been crazy if you would've ripped it.. or behind the lines could've been a drama story about a play, but there were murders and sex behind the scenes... you feel me? Idk, maybe you get what i'm tryna say.. Basically once you get used to writing about some solid shit, you'll drop consistant every week. Just keep in mind, internals and multies and flow are all a huge part of writing topicals, but another is having some deep shit, dope context or thoughts.. feel me? Anyways, I appreciate you dropping a longer verse, instead of barely staying inside of the rules like most of the others did.. hopefully it'll inspire others to do so too.. You had plenty of length to portray your thoughts, which is another plus for me.. i'm tired of seeing people who write 16 lines, then never finish their complete thought, it kind of leaves the reader wondering and stuff, not a good feeling when you spend some time out of your day to read something wanting to get an understanding out of it or a different outlook on something.. but shit, mega props for showing this week, thanks for dropping something new and being somewhat original... and huge thanks for proving me write on the powerranks... BUT you NEED to vote on two battles and edit the links into one of your posts... if not i'll have to DQ you, which would give one way the win.. I really dont want to do that after seeing all these votes and reading your shit.. but I will if I have to
Overall - Dope shit both of you for dropping and keeping this forum active. Props to one way for following the rules, and just keep what I said in mind, if you would.. Props to JTR for dropping something other than 16 lines, and maybe putting some effort into it... Subtract some of those cool points JTR for not posting links so far... thats fucked up.. but anyways, both of you good job, keep your chins up, keep writing and keep this league going smoothly.. there wasn't really a loser in this match because both of you delivered on what I was looking for some way or another.... but.. unfortunatly I have to decide who this is going to.. it's kind of easy, and maybe one way will learn something after this week...
v/ JTR
you both did a good job..
03-07-09, 07:21 PM
#16
Linear Mode
