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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
05-21-03, 06:23 PM
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#1
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me trying to be a poet part 2
IP: 5172 2A8B
i've seen the worse forced to accept a world so diverse//
liveing in this struggle from with in my own brian// constantly dealing with enough pressure to drive the hole world insaine// but still i maintaine , as i am handed another sitiation to face// why am i alway's feelin like i am a descrace to the hole human race// scared to reveale the scars placed on my fucking face// lil taste of success , now i am the chase to be the best// realiseing that from god him self ,to live life, is to be blessed// and oh yes i like to smoke sess time to time to relave my stress// dreams of holding my gurl close to my chess while i'm laying her down , now it's Time To undress// entament ruff sex is what we do best // happiniess and joy use to be my distant best freind// looks like me and them are bout to be reunited again// hope they stick with me this time all the way till the end//
__________________
  ~visit my web page NOW by clickin the image above !!! alright?~ |
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05-21-03, 06:25 PM
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#2
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Light Weight
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IP: 5172 2A8B
this one is actually poetic and some what hip hop aswell be nice peace !
__________________
~visit my web page NOW by clickin the image above !!! alright?~ |
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05-21-03, 06:52 PM
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#3
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Light Weight
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IP: 640C 3FBD
This was not bad at all. I don't know if you just typed this up real fast and didn't worry about typos or what. But it made it a little harder to read with the spelling mistakes in there. It didn't take away from the poem or anything..just saying.
>realiseing that from god him self ,to live life, is to be blessed// That line was the one I liked the most. I think about that all the time. And I'm very thankful to have life. >happiniess and joy use to be my distant best freind// looks like me and them are bout to be reunited again// hope they stick with me this time all the way till the end// Those were the other lines I liked most out of it. This one started out with the bad things you've seen, stresses you've been through, then turned into talking about God, your girl, then how it looks like happiness is coming back to your life. I liked how it went from bad to good. Nice job. And about the grammar thing, ignore that, it's not a real big deal. |
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05-22-03, 06:00 AM
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#4
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Guest
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IP: 5220 2725
well the style it was ritten was good n the message is also kinda deep n definatley deserves to be read by any human being that claim 2 B a nigga cuz this poem is one o'dose negritude pieces...
My fav... why am i alway's feelin like i am a descrace to the hole human race// scared to reveale the scars placed on my fucking face// lil taste of success , now i am the chase to be the best// realiseing that from god him self ,to live life, is to be blessed// pzz my nigga |
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05-22-03, 09:47 AM
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#5
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Guest
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IP: 46B0 94E8
It was raw, I liked it....the flow made it seem kinda like u were rappin but it wasnt bad at all- the other comments pretty much stole my comments, but its cool cuz they were right~ so keep doin what u do Des..
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05-22-03, 09:13 PM
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#6
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New to RB
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IP: 00A4 6510
the first word that comes to mind is choppy.
It was too choppy. Too many spelling errors. Not enough time was put into this and it shows. To become a poet is pay attention to detail. There were too many unecessary things in there and not enough description for the structure of the poem. For example. scared to reveale the scars placed on my fucking face// ^^ besides the spelling errors, you use "fucking face" in this line.... and there is nothing wrong with swearing to let out anguish in a poem. However this is not believable because you say that the scars were "placed" on your "fucking face". Now think man... if something is "placed" on something does it sound bad, or gruesome or hurt, etc.? no. ... You've got to make the lines believable ... scared to reveal the scars dug into my fucking face. or slapped on or thrown on.... catch what I'm saying. Every line works in itself, so make it work in the right direction. Just think about those details when writing... but I felt the emotion there and the reality vs. feeling dilemma going on. Elevate. Peace
__________________
I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale. |
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