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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
08-22-05, 12:17 AM
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#1
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Bangs like bikini attol
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Want a lyricism break down?
IP: D6FD 8B82
Post one of your best verses and I'll tell you what I think about it and how you could improve your shit..
NO TEXT BATTLES... Just song lyrics.. And I'm warning you, I'll prolly get bored of this within about half an hour.. |
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08-22-05, 12:19 AM
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#2
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Real Nigga, nigga.
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IP: 838F 2E38
Go to front lines nigga
__________________
. .....Get Soulclapped, E-Style..... t |
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08-22-05, 12:19 AM
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#3
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Coming to Kill you All
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IP: 9F11 2529
Topic was when evil meets good
EVIL evily prevails wit so many names,is it dick,schmuck,cock or penis? but it's all the same,cuz it neva hestitates to stop and beat us when it prances out as if it had feet to attack us like a leech n perpetually scars you vicously by cocksmacking you on your cheek while it may be the key to life,it deserves concern as it's a demon in turn firing and blasting shots rapidly with bullets they call semen or sperm GOOD one force that renders futile to stop the evil mister with the whip which is sometimes also referred to proudly as the sister of the lip milks the dick givin pleasure in order to function as the passageway of life n contrary to it's evil counterpart,it's able to masterbate without fight never bombs the table cuz it remains calm and stable with no bite knowing the fact dat it's like a puppy rolling on it's back, it neva stikes WHEN EVIL MEETS GOOD commences when they get the protection n evil gives the wood an erection n the process itself is a connection descibed by evil givin good an injection evil either gets blowed,pumps on top,or lets good be a bull and she rides conclusion of this act capped off when evil's milked n shoots bullets inside then the excruiating torment comes when 10 pounds comes out this tiny hole while evil neglects it and just searches for some hoe to swing off it's giant pole |
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08-22-05, 12:20 AM
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#4
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FuxJustAWord
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IP: 3B27 2020
I put peas on my head but dont call me a pea head
I put bees on my head but dont call me a bee head etc This is my show im Fux is Just A Word This is my show Im Smux is must a sword THis is my show im Fux is Just A Word ..........almost too illy i must say |
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08-22-05, 12:20 AM
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#5
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GG Haterz
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IP: 97FB 64F0
Me, Myself, or I? Me? Oh I'm just your average kid living life to the fullest, With my family of 3 brothers and 3 sisters, I am the 2nd youngest. My windows are closed and my closet is just neat as can be, I thought that I lived and breathed in the land of the free? My clothes are too big and my bed is falling to the floor, My dog is my alarm clock and beads are my door. War is nothing but old news since fighting between forces is normal, I just stay in my room and look into magazines full of models. My brother waddles into my room, I scream and tell him to leave, I throw something at him but he just continues being naive. I wear low cut shirts and short shorts to blend in with my crowd, I don't listen to the music, I just like to dance and for it to be loud. I hate being here, I wish that I could just go fly out my window, But everyday I just sit here, looking at the same American Express symbol. I am myself, I won't and don't bend to a crowd of strangers, I wear polka dot pants, Yankees shirt, and a hat for the Rangers. It don't mean a thing if it don't got that swing, Diiirty pop, this must be pop. I love Backstreet Boys and Nsync. I listen to people talk about bling and remember the times where nothing mattered, There wasn't "flirting" just saying compliments and saying "I'm flattered". People stare and I act like I don't care, but I do deep inside my chest, What's left of that fire that once burned and gave me a breath. Tattered clothes are fine, I'll wear them if I'm comfortable, I use words like fiddlesticks, vibe, cats, gats, and shizzle. I stay hip the lingo, but I still enjoy my game of bingo, Oh if only people said how the felt maybe the world would be easier to live in, Instead of being stared as if I took back something I had given. I give a little take a little, you push me and I'll push back, I'll listen to your country if you will listen to something I can rap. Backpacks are ok if you are 12 years old and trying to look cool, School is only for those who don't want to end up looking like fools. I live for the moment, that will define my home in Somewhere out where a great city and Rome has been. When something amazing happens in an instant, I act like I missed it and keep on life as I was living it. Sometimes I wish that I could, just go home and cry out, I WANT SOMETHING MORE! But I am not one to shout. I take no risks and my life is kinda boring but I keep on going, Showing people how safe I am and that I can be giving. Living in this world, isn't always for me, Wish they had mentioned love and life, but no one cared to warn me. What do these people have in common? They are all something in you, You do what people say sometimes and sometimes feel like saying fuck you too. There are times people want to be different or want to be safe in their bubble, Rubble all around them, and wish to sing a praise when there's trouble. The key to success is balance, and how to avoid needing to lie, Not making the personalities separate, I mean why.... Do we need to act to please people when really we all try, To live this lie and deny, that in everyone exists a Me, Myself, and I.
__________________
 Quote:
For Anyone Who Wants to Talk to Me  ^^I think this explains my view on gangster rap perfectly. |
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08-22-05, 12:20 AM
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#6
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Bangs like bikini attol
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IP: D6FD 8B82
Quote:
I seriously havnt clicked on that forum in atleast 4 months.. |
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08-22-05, 12:21 AM
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#7
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Real Nigga, nigga.
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IP: 838F 2E38
Look at what can happen in a minute. ROFl
__________________
. .....Get Soulclapped, E-Style..... t |
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08-22-05, 12:30 AM
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#8
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IP: 3B43 EB4A
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pag...m?bandID=208058
word yo..listen to "the Sharks"..somethin i put up there and re-recorded..=D
__________________
 [.Diabolic:.] |
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08-22-05, 12:31 AM
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#9
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Ike
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IP: 577C 1E7C
well...
if you wanna actually listen to the songs..instead of reading it would be appreciated... www.soundclick.com/youngike Outside Lookin In....and Jasons Lyric......but if u only wanna read...no big deal...i wont cry
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08-22-05, 12:36 AM
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#10
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Bangs like bikini attol
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IP: D6FD 8B82
Quote:
Ok first thing that comes to mind is that this is way too stretched in most places and isnt flowing well. I can see youve tried to rhyme more than one word at the end of each line, but your doing it sometimes at the expense of what your trying to get accross in the way your wording shit. You need to be a lot more direct and make your multi syllable rhyming more clean. In its currant state I very highly doubt this is a verse that would sound good being rapped to a beat, you would need to frikken be bone thugs or tonedeff if you wanted to pull off that many syllables. Your style is very textee-ish and I think that youll learn better flow once you start realising your gonna have to actually write & rap your verses to a beat and make it good enough for people to enjoy listening to. I think taking your stuff audio will be a big step forward for you as a writer. You should also stop using the dumb topical battle topics or atleast mold it into a concept that would sound good as a song. You prolly got potential, just need to unlock it. So start writing lines that are smaller and more to the point, and work on making your rhyme scheme sound more developed with cleaner multi syllable rhyming. Listen to some old eminem stuff (slim shady LP & marshal mathers LP) and try to emulate a comical style kind of like that because I think thats probably the way your mind is geared lyrically judging by your verse written above. In closing, you need a lot of work.. But being dope will be achievable to you as long as you work your ass off and elevate to an impressive level. |
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08-22-05, 12:47 AM
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#11
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Peace, Love, Unity
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IP: AB23 98FF
Try and apply this sunshine but July is cloudy,
Though I stay flying as high as the skies allow me, Liking the vibe, showing how much heart does it take, To catch a glimpse of Elysium and a sparkling lake, Marketing this? Nah... I'm just harnessing fate, My writing arm doesn't break when i'm arcing my fist, Dreams chasing me, when my presence starts to exsist, Just an untold story of the shark and the fish, Fate lyes in the hands of only those who grasp it, Passion burning like a phoenix, I rose from ashes, Rocking the landscape as soon as the boulder crashes, Lose the flame? I'm everlasting when i'm holdin matches, A mosaic? Nah, my lyrics are in appropriate places, Its nature to me, spanning from the coast to the acres, Potions with vapors, floating up, misting, beleive, An ocean of haters, and were just the little fish in the sea... Just grabbed a random verse.
__________________
 88 miles per hour should do it. |
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08-22-05, 12:48 AM
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#12
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Tha 1st member of S.W.A
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IP: B525 44D9
2nd verse frum my song "Tha Koolest Guy Around" str8 G shit on a mafuckin gangsta lean
 1988, tha docter shouldve KILLED THA FETUS
but he didnt so here i am wif 9MM's buck! buck! now ya blud iz gonna SPILL IN LETERS and i hope it duzznt splatter on my ILL ADIDAS i go aratatatat unTILL MY HEATERS run all outta bullets. cuz i FILL YA BEATERS full of holes. now ima DROP sum SIENCE ya neva gunna hear me sayin STOP tha VIOLENCE cuz wen i shoot a stupid muthaphukkin PIG BLOOD'LL come out of hiz hed, and make a BIG PUDDLE how many muthaphukkin guns i OWN IZ IRRELEVENT street smart, in skool im not KNOWN FO INTELLIGENTS and if ya really piss me off, im GON GIT A ELEPHANT n make him walk on u n break all of tha BONES IN YA SKELETON see, anythang can b a weapon, even a BROKEN CUP slit yo throat wit tha glass n then im LOCIN UP muthaphukkin werd
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R.I.P. EAZY-E  MoBB Squad
 REST IN PEACE MY MUTHAPHUKKIN SPICCA OMB!!!
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08-22-05, 12:58 AM
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#13
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Bangs like bikini attol
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IP: D6FD 8B82
Quote:
Big problem from the very start, the way you have worded a lot of your lines is very simple and almost as if your writing a childrens story with rhymes. This is your main problem.. I think that you have probably been doing a lot of internet topical battles, which is making your writing techniques for raps fall off big time.. I noticed your flow gets choppy aswell at some points and needs to develop more before youll be able to make good sounding rap tracks. Same thing as the dude before you with the rhymes, a lot of your stuff uses very simple and small doses of multi syllable rhyming and wouldnt really compete if you were compared to someone who can put together really good strings of multis. If this is some of the best stuff your style is producing at the moment, I think youll need to elevate before you can step up and make music that will have any hope of selling. You have a hard style to critique lyrically because like the dude before you these are topical battle verses and dont really compare to the content of a song.... What you need to work on though, is making your lyrics sound more mature and better developed.. You need to get a good sense of rhythem and work with better matched syllable counts or timing in your lines.. Thats something rapping and writing to a beat more often will help you with 10 fold.. In closing.. You probably have potential aswell, but you just seem to have the wrong idea of how to make an entertaining or properly thought provoking peice at the moment. Which is basically being held back by the way you approach subjects in this story type manor.. You also told the reader what cloathes you were wearing a few too many times like that really effected your story.. |
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08-22-05, 12:59 AM
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#14
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Whys That?
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IP: 5285 DC82
excersion in a word perversion in a herb so drunk we serving in reverse
new curse with a positive twist stay wise so we abolish the risk my knowledge is thick virtually literally never learnt off literaccy so critisize me but if this guy be in a position i see a desicions likley to imprison my glee im precision ryming but it isnt my scene to be given hydings in a minute ill be so legit but moneys allways running out of my life im doubting my strife could reverse me cause im going forward like im converting reverse's pushing life to the edge like im swerving curse's lyrical outburts making you shiver no mistaking i deliver at the point of perfection sending your mind diffrent directions like thoughts intersections ^^ keyd |
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08-22-05, 01:00 AM
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#15
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in your system
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IP: 9E2F CDE8
trapped in a deranged realm, no one can ever describe
where pain overwhelms, lifes hard-pressed to survive possessed with lies, depressed i cry tears of doubt suppressed by my eyes, empty echoes, no one hears you shout all life is about to collapse, happiness turns to pain perhaps never feelin its warmth again, memories burn your brain crazy or sane? my consciousness is encaged by steel a manufactured illusion, yet my body is made to feel and its all too real, suffering slowly erodes my sanity fall to a kneel, comforting words explode to profanity how can it be, i kept it innocent, avoiding all crime betrayed by my thoughts, my content destroyed in time devoid of any signs, hope created just to taunt my existence swallowed by dark, followed my heart, never thought to resist it troubled from the start, but could never ask for assistance so the feelings of hate and confinement contiually persisted until i believed it was true, my soul caught and contained never thought or complained, but it cant be bought or regained someone ought to explain what to do, life isn't a game i lost myself, mind caved through...ended it with a shot to the brain i was detained in a world that was created from dreams where pain would curl around any reflecton that gleamed every breath taken it seemed always deflated with screams and the only form of help offered, was just outdated regimes its far more extreme, madness had infected my cognition never to be free again, my sanity had selected ignition death infested my vision, if only you saw it through my eyes my mind was a prision...... and the only escape was suicide ^ a while back a did that, i enjoy reading it.... or else this....http://community.rapverse.com/showt...661#post2347661
__________________
this world is a drug, and everyone's selfish FLY FREE |
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