my first topical...
 

i wrote this for my battle on another site just now, the topic is...

Describe your experience as a homeless heroin addict on the night of Christmas Eve.
heres mine...please read all of it and put some feedback no hate i put a lot of work and emotion into it

thanks peace

walking its dead cold its obvious my heart is not blessed
obsessed with drugs surrounded by a dark sense of loneliness
walking around with cheap sneaks turned the corner to see
three children,mother and father buying a christmas tree
shrugged off the image i saw as if it didnt bother my mind
still walking the fluent moonlight lit up the nightlife
spotted a cloudy alleyway yelled hurray a place to lay in
and i had to take out the needles and pins for the heroine
i sat and cried cuz deep inside i didnt want this life nomore
see kids playin in snow fights while im lookin for empty stores
it starts to pour more snow accumulates to the white floor
my shirt shrivels up and falls, its battered up and torn
a boy and his mom pass by and i heard her whisper to him
"thats wat happens to you when you dont finish your schooling"
i was blazed from the drug essence, i looked at the hazey sky
asked god why didnt i follow the rules i needed to abide by
his voice was non existant for the first time i felt alone
yelled for him more until i heard a small breathe expose
i was an addict...previous images were imbedded in my soul
with no family to guide me or friends now my life unfolds
god spoke "dont worry its not your fault, your not on your own"
you always have me by your side when you need to cry or groan
everything flashed in my sight my entire life recorded down
i was horrified and wanted this drug infested life ended now
i picked up the gun i stashed in the cardboard box i lived at
put it at my temple to export the brains, precious food for rats
vision went blurry then thought in heaven possibly ill improve
then i saw an angel across the street maybe to save me soon
it turned red and the color black caved in my line of sight too
the devil ran toward me,i screamed and pulled the trigger...boom

uppin............................................. .

I can tell you put alot in it cuz..ony thing is..change the font..that's it..

you had some good vocab..but don't overload with it..fucks up the flow a bit..

but ithad good content..and a good topic..8/10 word

werd i thought i overloaded a little wit vocab too, cuz i keep thinking of better complex words to switch things around i guess it messes up the flow lol thanks for the feed,peace

i'm feelin' the emotion in this.the vocab was good too.9/10..keep em comin'

thanks for the feed love
uppin...

yea weerd to what indeph said using so much vocabulary fuckes flow up good topic 8/10 totaly with indephes feed..

peep me and indephs collab "Played Angel"

^^^def man i agree with him

it was a nice piece great topic and eveything vocab was good....
8/20 fam keep it up

return the favor man
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=161890

thanks street
uppin this more feed
peace

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aiight let me critique you real quick and this is so you can elevate im not hating on this verse here's what you should do to make this topical better...

1. The lines are a little too long it could kill the flow which you dont want to happen because 9 times out of 10 flow will be the deciding factor in a good topical battle

2. un-needed words should be deleted or reduced example.. dont say "an" say "a" it helps the flow..once again flow is important in a topical..

3.everything flashed in my sight my entire life recorded down
i was horrified and wanted this drug infested life ended now

Ok my problem with this bar is that you almost had it perfect but fucked up with one word... and that word is "wanted" when you said wanted and then ended for some reason i reread it i think you could have used a better word or a better setup like instead of wanted use decided.. changing one word can be vital to a topical in situations like this..

besides that this was a good piece and in time you will be one of the best topical writers on this board you already have the mindset and imagery down and your wordplay is good up your vocab a little and work on what i told you above and youll be winning countless topical battles

8/10

^dam nice feedback man, ima keep practicing and elevatin and shit with what you said about the flow and the rest...not really a punchline guy i suck at them so i figure ill get into topicals lol thanks for the feed

peace

Aiiiiiiight Mag Said It Definietly Correctly

Da Flow Is Kinda Chopped Up Work On That

Dont Use That Much Feedback Cha Feel Me


But I'll Give U An 8/10 Cause Da Emotion And Da Feelings Was Deep~!


Drop An Feedback Open Mic

"expressing Freestyle"

Holla!~!

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good stuff final... this could be one of the pieces i use... i'll give you the final staus on this when i reach the states and go through all of the possible entries again... i really liked the emotion that you put into it...storyline flowed well... images were on point... some of it could've been worded a lil better but overall a good piece... i'll holla with more later (talk about some of the wording and possible changes...also gonna need other info from you... i'm thinking real big on promoting you guys stuff... trying to show the world that we are not all gangstas and talentless and that we also have minds of our own and we are in tune with what's going on in the world.... even the younger folks need their voices to be heard, ya feel me?)