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11-24-04, 04:02 PM | #1 | ||||
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my first topical...
IP: D5FE 7245
i wrote this for my battle on another site just now, the topic is...
Describe your experience as a homeless heroin addict on the night of Christmas Eve. heres mine...please read all of it and put some feedback no hate i put a lot of work and emotion into it thanks peace walking its dead cold its obvious my heart is not blessed obsessed with drugs surrounded by a dark sense of loneliness walking around with cheap sneaks turned the corner to see three children,mother and father buying a christmas tree shrugged off the image i saw as if it didnt bother my mind still walking the fluent moonlight lit up the nightlife spotted a cloudy alleyway yelled hurray a place to lay in and i had to take out the needles and pins for the heroine i sat and cried cuz deep inside i didnt want this life nomore see kids playin in snow fights while im lookin for empty stores it starts to pour more snow accumulates to the white floor my shirt shrivels up and falls, its battered up and torn a boy and his mom pass by and i heard her whisper to him "thats wat happens to you when you dont finish your schooling" i was blazed from the drug essence, i looked at the hazey sky asked god why didnt i follow the rules i needed to abide by his voice was non existant for the first time i felt alone yelled for him more until i heard a small breathe expose i was an addict...previous images were imbedded in my soul with no family to guide me or friends now my life unfolds god spoke "dont worry its not your fault, your not on your own" you always have me by your side when you need to cry or groan everything flashed in my sight my entire life recorded down i was horrified and wanted this drug infested life ended now i picked up the gun i stashed in the cardboard box i lived at put it at my temple to export the brains, precious food for rats vision went blurry then thought in heaven possibly ill improve then i saw an angel across the street maybe to save me soon it turned red and the color black caved in my line of sight too the devil ran toward me,i screamed and pulled the trigger...boom Last edited by final : 11-24-04 at 04:41 PM. |
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11-24-04, 04:33 PM | #2 | ||||
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IP: D5FE 7245
uppin............................................. .
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11-24-04, 04:37 PM | #3 | ||||
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IP: 0825 899A
I can tell you put alot in it cuz..ony thing is..change the font..that's it..
you had some good vocab..but don't overload with it..fucks up the flow a bit.. but ithad good content..and a good topic..8/10 word
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The Competition
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11-24-04, 04:39 PM | #4 | ||||
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IP: D5FE 7245
werd i thought i overloaded a little wit vocab too, cuz i keep thinking of better complex words to switch things around i guess it messes up the flow lol thanks for the feed,peace
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11-24-04, 04:51 PM | #5 | |||||||
***cITYSLICka***
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IP: 6CEA 0327
i'm feelin' the emotion in this.the vocab was good too.9/10..keep em comin'
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I'm like CHUCKy dyin' to live in the flesh free of the BATTERY, ASSAULT n ROBBERY rapidly,wishin' cupid would clap at me N lift this evil spell so I can experience happilly evil backwards-see(down there) EVIL............backwards =............LIVE |
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11-24-04, 05:07 PM | #6 | ||||
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IP: D5FE 7245
thanks for the feed love
uppin... |
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11-24-04, 05:32 PM | #7 | |||||
Banned: Cheating
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IP: 5043 32F4
yea weerd to what indeph said using so much vocabulary fuckes flow up good topic 8/10 totaly with indephes feed..
peep me and indephs collab "Played Angel" |
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11-24-04, 06:34 PM | #8 | ||||||
Puttin MD On The Map
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IP: 408D D2A2
Quote:
^^^def man i agree with him it was a nice piece great topic and eveything vocab was good.... 8/20 fam keep it up
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11-24-04, 07:11 PM | #9 | |||||
Puttin MD On The Map
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IP: 408D D2A2
return the favor man
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=161890
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.:Retired:. |
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11-24-04, 08:03 PM | #10 | ||||
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IP: D5FE 7245
thanks street
uppin this more feed peace |
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11-24-04, 08:51 PM | #11 | ||||
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IP: D5FE 7245
uppin this......................
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11-24-04, 11:15 PM | #12 | ||||
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IP: D5FE 7245
uppin............................................. .
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11-24-04, 11:53 PM | #13 | |||||
The Epitome Of Greatness
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IP: 28AD 5545
aiight let me critique you real quick and this is so you can elevate im not hating on this verse here's what you should do to make this topical better...
1. The lines are a little too long it could kill the flow which you dont want to happen because 9 times out of 10 flow will be the deciding factor in a good topical battle 2. un-needed words should be deleted or reduced example.. dont say "an" say "a" it helps the flow..once again flow is important in a topical.. 3.everything flashed in my sight my entire life recorded down i was horrified and wanted this drug infested life ended now Ok my problem with this bar is that you almost had it perfect but fucked up with one word... and that word is "wanted" when you said wanted and then ended for some reason i reread it i think you could have used a better word or a better setup like instead of wanted use decided.. changing one word can be vital to a topical in situations like this.. besides that this was a good piece and in time you will be one of the best topical writers on this board you already have the mindset and imagery down and your wordplay is good up your vocab a little and work on what i told you above and youll be winning countless topical battles 8/10
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RV's Only 3 Time Topical Tourney Champion |
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11-25-04, 12:00 AM | #14 | ||||
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IP: D5FE 7245
^dam nice feedback man, ima keep practicing and elevatin and shit with what you said about the flow and the rest...not really a punchline guy i suck at them so i figure ill get into topicals lol thanks for the feed
peace |
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11-25-04, 12:09 AM | #15 | ||||||||
mess with me get cooked
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IP: D489 4B50
Aiiiiiiight Mag Said It Definietly Correctly
Da Flow Is Kinda Chopped Up Work On That Dont Use That Much Feedback Cha Feel Me But I'll Give U An 8/10 Cause Da Emotion And Da Feelings Was Deep~! Drop An Feedback Open Mic "expressing Freestyle" Holla!~!
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THE SLEEP & THE DREAM- Quote:
SEE THAT EMPIRE WERD~! P.S.A COMING SOON-GODS BETRAYL OUT NOW-THE SLEEP & THE DREAM |
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