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Traking Lives
Traking Lives by
Lola Cruez I see you. You have something I want, something I desire Like being a walking candle, your beauty is just fire My feelings for you are so pure that deferment on a rose My heart wishes that of our soul can stay attatch by a arrow But then again the arrow didnt stay attatch that long I felt depressed at first, Like an slow dance jazz song My heart couldnt take it, Like an raging volcano that's full of envy Like an hot boiling water that evaporates into air I felt so empty Then a poisinus plague started spreading in my heart If I can't have then noone will, I can't stand us being depart I Tried to Kiss you, but you refuse. I was heavily sadden How can you reject something that has full of passion? You tried to break free, but with tears, I wont let you go Your trapped with me like hibernating inside a burrow Breathing so hard, your breath is like a mist. I can see your fear Grippling tight onto you with sweaty hands. I'm not letting go dear You rscreams to me surrounding the loveable feeling. "Sex" Then I thought about other women that's out there ..................I let you go, then I move on while she lay to rest I moved on to find that Lucky girl Will cupid find me one like an pearl? With the corner of my eye, cupid strikes again Hopefully thise one's a 4 leaf glover. A good omen As the earth kept spinning, time moving and changing That I found out this wasn't the one I was looking I tried to love her with all my heart, but she refuse Why noone love me? This plague contagious like a flu So again I hear the scream it feels so sootheing But then again My heart taking punches, it was abusing She didnt tell me to stop, but i did when I didn't feel breath Then I though about other women out there ...................................So I moved on while she lay to rest I moved on to find that Lucky girl Will cupid find me one like an pearl? Leave Open Mic Or Poem Links...I'll Return Favor |
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Dope Imagery
Dope Emotion Dope Structure and Wordplay Overall Dope Piece... 1 |
Lol Thanx for the feed.......Uppin.........
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Bumpity Bump Bump for a Last time before i bounce
Pz. |
anotha good piece from you dat i really enjoy readin you have nice vocab and you flow was very good which always help and ya structure was good i like the topic you had also good drop 9/10
rtf links n sig and why dont u get on AIM nemore? |
good everything i think 10/10 cant complain nothing to tell u to progress on just keep writing and doin ya thing man for real.........and rtf on my om's gimme some pointers.......1
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great emotiong and imagery but ur second verse lacked a bit...like just rhyming the last 3-4 letters really isnt that good of vocab.... other than that this piece was excellent I really enjoyed it keep writing and peep my oms please
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U Had Great Imagery Something That Ppl Can Relate Too Good Drop Ma
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Clearly You don't get the Topic....Uppin............
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ok nice topic liked the imagery to it of course u always got that and the emotion as well u always drop dope pieces very good u can very well become a writer and the most intereting piece is at the begining how u start it off
"I see you. You have something I want, something I desire Like being a walking candle, your beauty is just fire My feelings for you are so pure that deferment on a rose My heart wishes that of our soul can stay attatch by a arrow" tahts very interesting and ur vocab was good as well nice piece very good job keep it up...... |
Cool....Uppin..
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Lemme break this down for the people that otherwise wouldn't understand it lolz...
I'm loving the concept you went with and how you expressed the sort of passionate murder and the ongoing quest of the person. I love how you do not portray it as a serial killer but more as a thirsty lover, someone desperately looking for love. The emotion was strong, might give people the wrong idea if they don't read it carefully. The imagery was definitely there, you also used nice pictures to express physical as well as emotional aspects of the scene. The flow was good, some similar sound expressions inside the lines which added to the flow. Vocab was on point as well so no complaints here. Another solid and nice topical piece :thumbup: |
aight, aight, this was pretty dope, get some more flow hoe! :shoot:
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cunt.........................
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Uppin..........
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hmmm... this was a decent piece overall.. i could see what u were trying to do with it.. u just didnt execute ur thoughts very well... ur metaphor's were nice.. but not used in the best ways.. and i think u need to work on ur grammar a bit.. it makes for an easier read...
well overall i know u can do better but this piece was decent. 6.5/10 |
Cool Uppin.....
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good for poetry heads but not even rap at all just didn't rhyme enough i just wonder is the poetry site empty boy do we have some stuff on this board for them like this piece right here no atrtitude just soft like jell-o
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^^ Um........You stupid...That is all......Bye
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need dto get ghetto with this bring some action
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Would you please leave?.........Seriously. Thank you.
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remember when you dont return favours though?
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This was a pretty tight peice..yorus tructure was good..your flow was on point..you had nice emotions..and good feeling going into your drop..i could really see that you took time out to do this drop..and i really thank you for that ...You also had nice imagery..and nice wordplay and vocab usuage.. Keep it up
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Thanx........Uppin....
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this was good man, imagery was very good, emotion was good, flow and structure were good, keep it up man
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Thank you. Uppin.
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I liked this piece, your take on a killer was nice, but your similies were becoming kinda tedious. One or two is fine, but I don't like everything being a metaphor or similie. Be straight up sometimes. The imagery was nice and so was the emotion. Overall, this piece was definately worth the read, but try re wording your hook.
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Thank you. Uppin.
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