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The Ones You Love The Most Die First.Pt1
This OM is more of a story than a song.... Dedicated to MiSk For All those albums lol!!!! Mad Knight Mizz Fyre Because in the end the ones we have loved and still love Are the ones to past away first with the gleaming white dove Day by day I was losing my tite grip on his hand due to another thing Unbearable but unknown we still wait for what tomorrow has to bring My love infatuation with this man is crumbling in front of my own eyes I can not let him go to another relationship all due to those horrible lies Idea’s of every kind, good or bad and maybe evil, run through my mind Love which was once so beautiful, has now kept common sense so blind Time which could have solved it all, now pasted, no time for patience Tick of the clock,new frustration,thoughts which include so much desperation Trapped inside of 4 white walls,emotions locked in like convicts in prision Evil thoughts the newest calls,to my mind but these are not newly arisen ‘If I can not have him in my arms neither can the world of people’ Murder springs to mind, but the thoughts of it are o so simple… I dim the lights, I’m overcome with emotion and feeling so frightened A knock on the door, I’m shaking, my grip on the knife is tightened I let him in, slowly I raise the knife up to his face, and then I shout Dinners nearly ready, do you want your favourite with fries or without Ugh, what was I thinking, I couldn’t do it, how could I make a stand When his smile captures my every sensation, I’m always at his command This murder I should have planned, then I glance casually to the side See a concoction of drugs, into his meal this is what I’m able to provide I lay it carefully on the table, call his name, asking if he’d like a drink He waves his hand abruptly, “I’m not hungry he says “I need to think” Right now I’m on the brink, I need a weapon, but where can I find Something instant, the kind that could easily make this man blind His bedroom doors open, hello I scream, but there’s no reply I see the gun lying on the floor, I’m thinking this is goodbye But wait…..now its gone, I look up to his eyes, fear the worst He kills me with one burst, how did he manage to get to me first………. Thank You for Reading Mine And Mizz Fyres Collab. When You Leave Feed Could You Say If You Would Like To See A Follow On eg.Pt2 of the OM!!! __________________________ http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=204328 http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=202826 |
it was nice....good imagery....strutcure and flow was iight.......it was good collab I liked it....nice piece thats all i can say...emotion was there as well as good imagery ecerything was on point it was a lil nice OM I give it a 8/10
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dope... i liekd this alot man.. mk your deffo improving qwit every om you make... mizz fire your verse was real nice. vocab was ite. emotion was ok. structure was better than mk's and the story line u used i could follow better... mk your emotion was decent vocab was good, imagination was pretty decent overall this is a solid om nice work both of you
i fink u should do a part 2 |
thanx for your feedbakk:D:D:D
Uppin |
nice on point good vocab good structure erm...............overall 9/10 keep up u gettin good at this good emotion as well anyway tell me wot u think of me bien in the crew in ll tryouts
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I have...............do u think i should do a part 2????
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Damn im feelin ure style definitely.............this was really good....i wanna see pt 2...great vocab...good imagery...good topic...8/10
good job |
yeh do a part 2 for real.....
i was feelin the emotion in this piece. you two both came strong and this piece felt well thought out and was enjoyable to read..... keep it up and can you RTF on my collabo wid intermental |
Ye i will fo sho
I didnt know what peeps would think of this but you seem to like it lol:D |
nice nice.....lets see.......
mk:nice vocab,nice structure, flow could be better, lot of motions.....gd imagenary..... mf:samekind of verse like has mks.....nice structure,better flow than mks,but someparts were out of topic...or maybe not but that closer was something new,strange.... nice collab............................. |
shit mizz i dont think i have ever read any of ya work that was average or weak....
mad knight not sure if this is the 1st time me check'in out ya stuff but this was good... flow was onpoint.. creativeness was onpoint i like the story ya pick and how ya went about it... emotion: was all there i felt every bar as if i was there... topic twist: was good the way ya end it was good, and those parts where u tryed to kill him but couldnt only to get killed nicely done.. all around good work.... 10/10 WHY NOT IT WAS WORTH IT!!.... |
PLEZ RTF...............
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thanx dawg i will rtf tonite!!!!
Uppin |
You want to see a strange collab look at Os1's and mine. RTF, and I swear to god if you two don't I will be seriously pissed off, at least one of you is fine, because I leave feed all the goddamn time but never have it RTF'd.
Little so say. Both had decent verses, decent structure and flow, decent imagery, nothing caught my eye, the vocabulary was okay, 'people' and 'simple' don't rhyme, blah-blah-blah. 7.5/10 |
and that is moi!!!!lol
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good topic.....good flow...good imagery....good vocab.....good errthing...good piece here....keep it up...looking forward to part 2......good job....9/10.....RTF in mah sig.....
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thanx dawg
uppin.... |
Yo this was nice you came pretty good I aint never read a OM from you before until today but yo this was nice keep it up 7.5/10!
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yo yo... check it......
the whole thing had good vocab, good flow, good story and good topic..... this isnt really a song.... more of a story/poetry.... and i'm really not big into that..... so i cant leave any more feedback about it.............. overall 8/10 |
nice drop by both of ya'll..i can see imagery, and a very nice flow by obth..overall nice drop y both..
plaese peep my link in my sig.. |
Thanx.....................ive got 2 more OMs to drop,thats like 4 in 5days, some peeps drop 1 every month!!!!
uppin..... |
Okay, this was a nice concept you went with but in my opinion, it would've been a lot better if Mad Knight wrote from the man's perspective and mizz fyre kept her verse as it is now. Just think it would've made a stronger piece.
Mad Knight: you improved on those rhyming words, two times it didn't quite work: "patience - desperation" and "people - simple". Other than that, it was fine, maybe bit basic at times but overall solid. Had some grammatical errors (such as "now pasted", think you mean "now passed"). The emotion was good, had some insightful lines and decent imagery. Solid work mizz fyre: you keep dropping consistenly I suppose, the emotion was good. I like how you expressed the doubts inside her head and such. The imagery was there, especially the last part was nicely worded. The vocab was decent, might be worded differently here and there. Flow was okay, no problems with the rhyming words or grammatical side of it all so no comments on that Keep it up both of you! |
uppin...................
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This was nice... I liked the concept.
With two people collabing on a thing like this it would have been dope to have both perspectives... But what you did still works. Mad Knight: Flow was real square... not square as in uncool, but like.. rigid. It was there, but the length of the lines was a bit long so I sort of missed it.. Just didnt seem fluid... -_-. To improve it, try using multis occasionally, making syllable counts better and maybe adding some inners here and there. All other elements were pretty sound... Vocab needs to be expanded a bit.. practice does that. It was dope though. 8/10 Mizz Fyre: You know what you're doing.. dont really have anything to tell you. |
uhmm, word up..woulda been cool if you had mad knight as the other person, you know?
but whatever, still worked, MK, uhmm, flow was choppy a lil.....not too big of a deal though, don't use so much commas, when you do, that obstructs alot......not bad though, liked your other ones more though......keep writing MF, word, told very much like a story, very involving, good job, keep up,,,,,you know what you're doing rtf on this http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=206108 |
^^^thanx for the feed ya'll..........
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Oh Snap! This Was Some Real Good Shit Here I Was Digging The Whole Thing Through Out The Whole Song Man Real Deep Shit Here.Flow Was Nice Man Vocabulary Was Done Well I Can Tell You Put Effort Into This Piece Man Keep At It Yo Looking Forward To Our Collab.
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it was nice....good imagery....strutcure and flow was iight.......it was good collab I liked it.......emotion was there as well as good imagery everything was on point it was a lil nice OM I give it a 8/10.......i was feelin both verses....nothing to rag on nice piece ya'll RTF please
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i will later
THanx for all the feed bump... |
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