Dancing on Rainbows
 

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=204431

Winters cold air, engulfs and transports me through time
As I sit on my nanas lap, she’s singing me an old rhyme
I look in her eyes, fascinated by how beautiful her smile
I wish she was here now to help get me through lifes trial
I was nine years when I sadly witnessed her passing
Why can’t some things in life happen to be everlasting
Each period seemingly bringing another tragic demise
My fathers death is the next to meet the heavens skies

My father
The hospitals scent so distinctive, I finally meet my dads eyes
By my side, my mother cries, we think its time for goodbyes
I clutch his hand willing him not to leave, but now its too late
Fate has dealt an unlucky blow and there’s no time to wait

He slips away, I cry on my brothers shoulder, inconsolable
My momma’s screams are so high-pitched and uncontrollable

The suns blistering heat, kidnaps me, I’m at another place
Witnessing all my families faces, I hold them in an embrace
Trying to fill this empty space, always looking for answers
Thoughts of them whirl around my head like ballet dancers
I capture each memory, close the lid on a box in my head
look to my future instead, until I find another of them dead
We bury my father soon after, from up above he’s now glancing
As he takes my nanas hand and on a rainbow they’re dancing

Upppppppppppppppppppppppinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

wow....emotional shit.....good piece....imagery was there and u had good vocab and flow....pretty nice...8/10....RTF in sig.......

^^^^thanx.........uppin................

uppin...............

hmm well you have a very good stucture, pretty good flow yea i'd say you have a very good flow, nice emotions, good imagery, but some what it just seems plain to me for some reason i dont know why but it just does, maybe add some vocabulary like some more interesting words not so much dont fill it but next time you write somin try n add at least a little more. anyway it wasn't bad pretty good actually.

think you could rtf on my new A World With No Water

1

your pice was very emotional...and vocab was gd..i liked the mets they were nice and decent for the piece...but a Q..is this a true life story?..if it is then i plz accept my condols...if its not then that was quite creative...keep it up...

mine's below

one

^^^yeh its a true story....thanx for the feedback..........

WOW another nice piece hun:love:........loadz of emotions also good structure....vocab was nice and i really liked it!!!!:love:

8.5/10

can you return the favor when i drop my new open mic very soon!!!!

hey! i like this piece very nice it's good

^^^thanx for the feed ya'll............uppin

uppin....................

Sup ma you have elevated a lot since I was last on RV,....

Dam first thing you can see in this verse was the emotions
you can tell this is real its like the emotions just pour out of
the monitor.

Flowed really really well I see you have started using inners in
your lines now, it makes it rhyming better and adds more depth.

Vocab well on point, I liked this bar,.....
The suns blistering heat, kidnaps me, I’m at another place
Witnessing all my families faces, I hold them in an embrace

This was well nice ma stay up and keep writing...

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^^^thanx crit....nice to see you back on here..........

uppin.................

nice Mizz......Emotion was deep an ya imagery was top notch too, Wasnt feelin the length of your peice, maybe could of stretched it for 6-10 lines more...cause while it was creative an a good read, I felt some parts of your verses you could of worked on a little more an gone into a little more detail, dunno if you understand? but ah well, 8.5/10.....real nice drop Mizz...

Now tell me somthin, when you can drop like this, Why concentrate your talents on some loved out bullshit thats corny as the movie dances with wolves?.....

^^^thanx for the feed......but to answer your last question.....when have i EVER done that.......lol

LOL

That shit with tony green, it was corny Mizz an you know it...I hated it, Reminded me of that kelly rowland an nelly track dilemma for some reazon.

^^^nah i think it was good actually.....creative y'know

Nope, i dont know lol...

dont be offended Mizz lol, Loved up shit is not my style, I'm sure other corny mo'fuckers will appreciate your writing in that topic :love:

^^^lol nah i ain't offended everyone's got an opinion lol

yo this is mad nice like the approach to this one really mad nice keep it up MF rep TC....yeah..but the piece is good had it all jus work a lil more on the emotion side i think u can do a lil bit betta ya kno but everythin else is doin goo diahgt jus keep droppin aight....1.....

^^^thanx for the feed..........

uppin..........

Damn this was hot I aint know you could this deep but you always surprise my the image was so good in this it felt like I was witnessing all this with my own 2 eyes but this was fire 9.5/10 keep it up!

This was great. The opening really showed how much of a sweet person you are. It mentioned some personal events in your life which is always good. The emotion was great, the wording and flow was even good.(surprised since most om's lack in this area). The part about your dad was sad. Hope you dealing with that okay. The line about why can't some things be everlasting. I wonder that too. I really hope you turn audio soon. Cause I honestly believe you can do it. Good job.

^^^thanx for the feed.........