http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=204431

Winters cold air, engulfs and transports me through time
As I sit on my nanas lap, she’s singing me an old rhyme
I look in her eyes, fascinated by how beautiful her smile
I wish she was here now to help get me through lifes trial
I was nine years when I sadly witnessed her passing
Why can’t some things in life happen to be everlasting
Each period seemingly bringing another tragic demise
My fathers death is the next to meet the heavens skies

My father
The hospitals scent so distinctive, I finally meet my dads eyes
By my side, my mother cries, we think its time for goodbyes
I clutch his hand willing him not to leave, but now its too late
Fate has dealt an unlucky blow and there’s no time to wait

He slips away, I cry on my brothers shoulder, inconsolable
My momma’s screams are so high-pitched and uncontrollable

The suns blistering heat, kidnaps me, I’m at another place
Witnessing all my families faces, I hold them in an embrace
Trying to fill this empty space, always looking for answers
Thoughts of them whirl around my head like ballet dancers
I capture each memory, close the lid on a box in my head
look to my future instead, until I find another of them dead
We bury my father soon after, from up above he’s now glancing
As he takes my nanas hand and on a rainbow they’re dancing

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Upppppppppppppppppppppppinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

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wow....emotional shit.....good piece....imagery was there and u had good vocab and flow....pretty nice...8/10....RTF in sig.......

^^^^thanx.........uppin................

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uppin...............

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hmm well you have a very good stucture, pretty good flow yea i'd say you have a very good flow, nice emotions, good imagery, but some what it just seems plain to me for some reason i dont know why but it just does, maybe add some vocabulary like some more interesting words not so much dont fill it but next time you write somin try n add at least a little more. anyway it wasn't bad pretty good actually.

think you could rtf on my new A World With No Water

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your pice was very emotional...and vocab was gd..i liked the mets they were nice and decent for the piece...but a Q..is this a true life story?..if it is then i plz accept my condols...if its not then that was quite creative...keep it up...

mine's below

one

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^^^yeh its a true story....thanx for the feedback..........

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WOW another nice piece hun........loadz of emotions also good structure....vocab was nice and i really liked it!!!!

8.5/10

can you return the favor when i drop my new open mic very soon!!!!

hey! i like this piece very nice it's good

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~*~Operation Take Over~*~

WhAt EvEr It TaKeS

^^^thanx for the feed ya'll............uppin

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uppin....................

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Sup ma you have elevated a lot since I was last on RV,....

Dam first thing you can see in this verse was the emotions
you can tell this is real its like the emotions just pour out of
the monitor.

Flowed really really well I see you have started using inners in
your lines now, it makes it rhyming better and adds more depth.

Vocab well on point, I liked this bar,.....
The suns blistering heat, kidnaps me, I’m at another place
Witnessing all my families faces, I hold them in an embrace

This was well nice ma stay up and keep writing...

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^^^thanx crit....nice to see you back on here..........

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