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Swimming With Fishes
Swimming With The Fishes As I lay in bed, submerged beneath my blankets Pondering about life itself how One goes through anguish Loved ones are taken seeing how life is not promised Atleast not to my loved one that is my uncle thomas Encountering agony pain as life for him is subsiding Doc says life for him is short as I feel my life colliding Currently aware of the circumstances subltely walking Conversation not current as I have no appetite for talking A sea of grief crashes in my head like the tide Watching him in despair fearing the worst I cry Wanting to share his goals as I get my gear ready His goal being deep sea diving sitting tight and steady Goggles propped over my head ready for the first mission Taking a gander at my surroundings ready to continue the tradition Soaring quick in the air bursting into the cool brisk water Glistening in the sun, the crystals glare as I see a passing otter Mysterical reefs so colorfull as starfish lay apon the oceans surface Life under water is remarkable its serving a full life purpose Fastly realizing Ive been entraped under water for quite some time Uncle will be waiting, I shall awake him with the astonishing news of mine Walking apon the railing not hesitating opening the room door Gasping for air is my uncle as he squirms like a rat on the floor Devastated to what im seeing no reaction due to the amount of shock 8:40 his death time I was unable to save my love from his breath lock Cremated he will be his ashes to symbolize his true love of ocean Quitley dumping them in myself no room for noise or commotion 4 YEARS LATER Continuiously diving the waters yet to find a good keeping As my metal detector gets louder of a nonstop beeping I dive deeper to configure the beep as I come to a sudden hault Seeing a large pink pearl covered in a load of ocean salt Thinking twice in my head could this be why he took diving classes? Double taking at the salt realizing what it is....its my uncles ashes A sign of love, yet a sign of fortune he has guided me to his wishes Now living in my uncles dream I shall for ever swim with the fishes |
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In all honesty, a bit of a played topic.
Although, you took a cool approach by sticking your vocab to under water-like. Well appreciated. You fell off flow a few times, but basically maintained a good one. Solid vocab in here, and structure for the most part was continuous. Your concept development was alright you had the story evolve and it went on pretty steady. Props on the drop, only advice would be to space it out a bit, some kids dont' have amazing eyes. I have 20/20 but I did have to squint a bit. Props though. |
^^hey man thanks for the honest feed....uppin for more!
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no wonder attendance on the poetry boards are low all these poets are in here this is not rap i will repeat this is not rap and you stuff don't rhyme the lease kid
hey why yall read stuff and don't tell folks what they're writing this peice belong in poetry straight up son where is the attitude on this piece hey why couldn't you say this i lay in bed and go freak in the head its a thug urge to be submered between streets after facing mean streets but need a queen unique with a good juicy coo-chee, look life's a bitch and strife make me itch |
^^cuz then it would be whack
fuck outa hea wit you haten asss.........this does rhyme gimme a line where my shit dont rhyme????????? and how is this poetry....its str8 outa the topical tourney faggot |
this whack ass shit don't have attitude just name one rapper paraphase like that damn man go to the poetry board i gave you an example of rap try to follow that
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^ima guess ur maddrapper lol fuck you bitch......
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^^ its taken you that long......everyone knows that's madrapper
he been droppin them wack ass disses in bitch-slapped n shit but u know i've told you this was a nice piece vocabs, imagery, emotion - all on point the shit flowed well throughout to me, everything rhymed decent approach to the topic, nice style of writing good development of the story you telling from beginning to end just as GL said, space shit out for the blind fuckaz :thumbup: |
^thanks man, i appreciate it like crazy....and u think it could get nominated????? or no
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honestly, NO.
it is a nice piece....but to go into Hall of Fame....or win Best Open Mic ....whichever one you were referring to....you need to have a real dope piece, cuz too many good but not DOPE pieces are getting that shit |
damn we have a lot of unwanted squares in Hip hop for real couldn't fit that shit on a microphone with four hydraulic jacks what the fuck is this site coffee shop poetry of some shit get this shit to the poetry board boy please
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^thats why its not in audio...dawg mind ya business...................
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Uppin............................................. for Feedback
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Actually mystic,I think that gladbag nigga is correct.
This isn't rap....this is more like poetry. And just becuz it has a rhyming word at the end...that doesn't mean it's rap automatically. Your shit had a choppy(sometime none) flow from start to finish. "Fastly realizing Ive been entraped under water for quite some time Uncle will be waiting, I shall awake him with the astonishing news of mine" ^that is stretched.....try rappin that aloud or over a beat...it won't flow. Seems like u neglected flow when writing this. Thus...leaving you with a poetic peice. As for the content...I can't really critique on it...it was "Poetic" as well.Just like I told daemon..it's your style..so I ain't gonna tell you to change it,cus that ain't right.But my personal opinion...is that the complexity is overwelming. I,personally, was never a fan of "shakespearish" peices where u focused on vocab and complexity. So yea....that's my feedback...take it however you want/ RTF on sumtin if ya want...maybe my battle wit lotty or w/e...don't matter. ~1~ |
thanks for the honest feed, i see wut ur seeing, atleast u gave me a visual.....uppin
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*Shrugs*
I Dont Know Myst, This Was Kind Of A Toss Up For Me. First Off, This In No Way Is A Poem ... Fucking Idiots. It's A Topical Piece With Basic Flow. Ok, You Had Good Imagery Man, Definately The High Point Of This Piece. You Painted Very Vivid Pictures And That Was On Point. Stoyline Fallowed Nicely. Except One Section You Kind Made To Much Of A Leap... Going From Sick Day-Right Into Scuba Shit. So To Me It Was Just Kinda Like, Whoa, Where That Midway Content. The Emotion In This, Eh... Like I Said Imagery Was On Point. I Think You Got Alittle Caught Up In That And Forgot Emotion. Cuz It Was There, But You Didnt Go Into Deph About It. The Concept Itself... I Dont Really Know What GL Was Talking About, I Havent Really Seen This Done Before. But When I Was Reading I Was Expecting Something To Happen, And When It Didnt I Liked That Cuz It Wasnt Predictable ... But The Thing You Came Up With Didnt Better Mine So I Was Kinda Disapointed. I Thought You Were Going To Go With The Poetic Death, And Have The Grandfather Die While He's Scuba Diving. And While Basic That Has A Big Impact And Gets You Emotion Points. Last Thing, Structure... Next Time Try And Break It Up A Big. That Was Just Like 30+ Lines Straight Forward, Its Alittle Much For Most To Take In A Single Sitting You Know? You're Deffinately Growing Alot As A Writer Though, Stay Up And Keep Elevating. |
thanks for the honest feed, uppin tihs
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Nice read..
I thought the concept of death and destiny was a lil' played.. but other than that this was a pretty dope piece. It would of upped it if you would have included multies tho... I liked your vocab. it was deep, and the imagery was very nice aswell. Good piece. If you can return the favor on this - http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=211798 P's. |
COT DAYUM that shit was illest of ill ...
Best line: Cremated he will be his ashes to symbolize his true love of ocean Quitley dumping them in myself no room for noise or commotion |
Well Mr. Mystic we kinda didn't start out on the right foot so lets get off the left and try again i aint look'n for beef with nobody on this site i had enough of that on others fo less
agreed? well this was a very poetic piece but i dont really care where you post something it can still be critique for the simple fact that this is a writing based on a topic no matta how its worded..........nothing really has to rhyme to make sense or be good thas jus my opinion but this was a good piece vocab could've been betta in some areas, i like the wordplay you added with your imagry, a very emotional but played topic but still it was a good piece i enjoyed reading it good luck on future drops RTF on the OMs in my sig............... |
no doubt ya'll, let me rtf right now...uppin
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