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Blow it
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2566142
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=215697 _________________________________________________ *Sniff* *Sniff* ... Moments pass as neurons sprint from the torrents hatch on up his cavity ... He feels nothing but normal; it's all formal until he's laced with alacrity rapidly Sadly, it's his downfall. In this time and space he escapes his broken spirit ... ... In reality, though, he's destroying himself, his wealth & token's dearest ... Spoken clearest when he's soaring each morning w/ his daughter's presence In his present mood he drops clues to rue's that are snatched up in reverence. His breath's tense, as he assumes she understands the demands upon his head rants. So he amends shams his mind's placed with grace & goes on to examin his dead plans. *Sniff* *Sniff* ... Coerced to watch the nasel rot, to consume the rich fumes of parenting ... Little Brenda's scared, so unaware of her fathers subconscience unwanting charity ... Verily she's alone, he's slipped away again to the numb parade of psycosis ... Paranoia is ghost mist and rides to battle alongside the white captors blown kiss It's all engraved deeply, creeping to long-term like a wrong term on the tounge She's fragile and young, so impressionable, so agile and fun but he'll never know She loves him dearly but she's lost respect for the wreck of emotions he's shown Stuborn to the bone, she accepts "no" and steps prone to wait untill he's gone. ... Waits long to see he's preoccupied with matters & scatters, nothings wrong ... *Sniff* *Sniff* Time passes till it lap's his mind's casket so he draws 3 more lines to endulge ... Two get done but his body's old so he heads to the bathroom to convulse ... Daddy's gone and opportunity unfolds it's arms to hold the neglected soul ... Rejected tolls till the infected coils it's scourge around the bill she holds ... She mimics Daddy's bold poise & unleashes the noise of the deaf instructor She inhales the product and conducts the unthinkable ... the breath of comfort She coughs as her head aches from blood baked on caked membrains laced Dawn evaporates to hate as the walls disapate till she's taunt with pain & numb. *Sniff* *Sniff* ... Returning wordless, ever worthless as he closes the field inwhich he reigns ... He rounds the corner of heavens bend and enters hell in a moments pausing pang Something strange, Brenda's whithered behind the sofa, unmoving .. in a coma ... Blood trickles past her breathless lips untill the site rips his heart in cold lumps ... "What have you done? I told you to leave that shit alone! Now your gone & im withdrawn How will I live? I rely on you for proper income ... now it's gone & im finished! Thanks, Brenda. Daddy's fucked because to touched snow & you diminished I need to think again, feel that drip and be free again & I can't because you didnt listen." |
okay, i know i know, your lines were long, but thats okay, i got past it....there was alot packed into this, but it was totally worth the read, it had cool flow and multies, which is nice to read once in a while....good story, monkey see monkey do, or whatever....i can relate, well, just because i see so many people ruin their lives getting into this shit in my town, its disgusting....this kinda made me sad, but at the same time, annoying because i've seen it before, but good write, you punched more than one emotion outta me with this, good job, i'll try to find some lines i liked:
Verily she's alone, he's slipped away again to the numb parade of psycosis ... Paranoya is ghost mist and rides to battle alongside the white captors blown kiss Returning wordless, ever worthless as he closes the field inwhich he reigns ... He rounds the corner of heavens bend and enters hell in a moments pausing pang word up son, word up |
godly should be legendary piece i could relate to this when thinking about my father flow was good tight shti mentz
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good shit Mentals the vocabulary and the multis blew me away but the imagry was in another level a defenate HOF piece IMO
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Then nominate it you cunt bricks, be a doer not a talker wtf! lol. Thanks for the feed.
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Uppin the piece.
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Fuck it. Thanks for the feed you three, RV's wack with OM feed.
I'll be back when you fix what the newbs broke Drakel. PM me. Peace. |
I agree with everyone else...Could Be a nomination for HOF...But anyways i liked this piece from the very start...Nice topic...Lines some were a little too long but its cool...Imagery was good...Multies were good too...Flow was also good too overall man
9.5/10...Keep up the good work man... |
Uppin............
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good read , nice wordplay ... vocab was on point
structure nice ... i felt this from beginning till the end mayne even tho dem lines a lil 2long .. but you heard that before this flowed good N dem sum good multi's in here overall nice piece cuzz'n .. keep up the good work |
Damn mentalz this was a tight drop i was really feeling it you had nice emotions and very good feelings going into your drop made it very poetic..you had a nice topic and very creative concept behind it..your wordplay and vocab was decent it could have been alittle better but overall i was really feeling this drop the only thing that could have been alot better was your structure and the stretched lines other then that pretty kool job.
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Appreciate the feed you two, PM me some links if you want some feed on anything.
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Stop sleepin' on this.
UPPIN!!! |
damn, shit was real nice mentalz. the flow was perfect and the multies helped it out. the topic was nice and i can def respond to it. it was nicely done...good descriptions and vocab.
great job you homo! |
Damn man, the only disadvantage to this one was that the flow wasn't there. your lines are a bit to long, try shortening them up man. but really your imagery/storyline was very compatable man, it kept me readin. your multiple use was good man, the first OM I've read from you when you actually used them and succeed with em great. So overall I'ma tell you this, dope shit man just keep writting like this but next time try and shorten your lines so the read would go faster.
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mentalzima be real with you this shit was hot nevermind the"too long 2 read dispute"
the problem wit om heads is they act like they dont have time 2 che ck some 1 else's work but expect everyone 2 reply 2 they'res feel me?fuck the bullshit beef that we got im comin real dawg nice drop stay up peep my new shit titled new shit on here...peace |
Uppin for the last time, appreciate the feed.
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cmon you homoe, don't sleep on this, it's good as hell
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put it to a beat and then we'll talk about the quality of it
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Put my cock in your mouth and we'll talk about the quality of you shutting the fuck up.
Seriously getting tired of audio heads hating on OM pieces just because they're unable to make it flow to a beat themselves. Talent, take a bite, chew it up. It's good. |
Sweet, Hall of Fame. Appreciate it.
Bumpin' something dope since nothing dope gets dropped anymore. |
Ok, I see pieces like this getting garbage feedback and it makes me feel sympathetic, so for one time only, and ONLY because it was a dope piece I will give you some real feedback.
I'm sure a lot of people didn't understand the beautiful simplicity of this piece, and thought maybe the man suffered from bi polar syndrome which my mother struggles with but God willing can control it. Luckily I've never had a taste for drugs except a bit of weed now and again when the mood takes me, but I know how easily it ruins lives just like the one of this man, and the people who suffer are ALWAYS the loved ones. I wasn't sure why you used *sniff sniff* between the paragraphs until the end. I thought he was crying or some shit but it all fitted when I read these lines. Daddy's gone and opportunity unfolds it's arms to hold the neglected soul ... Rejected tolls till the infected coils it's scourge around the bill she holds ... She mimics Daddy's bold poise & unleashes the noise of the deaf instructor She inhales the product and conducts the unthinkable ... the breath of comfort She coughs as her head aches from blood baked on caked membrains laced Dawn evaporates to hate as the walls disapate till she's taunt with pain & numb. ^Dope as fuck. I wasn't sure about the deaf instructor metaphor but the breath of comfort and the image of the arms of death unfurling to 'comfort her' was ill. I love your style, it's very similar to that of Bounce who is arguably the best OM writer on RB. The metaphors intertwined with multies and a very nice flow made it that much better to read. The description on how his addiction worsened and how his daughter suffered as a consequence was very nicely done, and the cliffhanger ending with her in a coma was also skillfull as it left the reader very curious as to what happened to her. The only thing I thought you could have done a bit better was outline the daughter a bit more. Maybe make her age a bit clearer as she could have been anywhere between 4-10 by the sounds of it. Also the switch in Point of View was very well done but if you used a few lines to convey her emotions in between her actions, it would have improved it slightly. As it was, it was fucking dope, great job. |
The phrase "She mimics Daddy's bold poise & unleashes the noise of the deaf instructor" simply shows the reader that actions speak louder than words. In this case everything he did in front of her finally coerced her to do it too. "deaf instructor" implying he was never there to teach her right from wrong.
I really appreciate the informative feed you left bro. I'll return the favor in like manor. |
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It's really no problem, I'd have left more in depth feedback but I only had like 5 mins to type it all up as I had football training at 6. What site do you mainly go on? Because topical wise you're much too good for RV. You should sign up for Sacred Scriptures on RB where there are much better heads and it'll inspire you to elevate and keep getting better. |
I dont really write anymore and RV is my main site actually. I use to be on RB.. was in the first writes of passage tourny actually, but never really got into the community as much as I did here.
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