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Old 01-13-06, 01:26 AM   #1
Mentalz
The Topical Juggernaut
 
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Blow it

IP: CCF3 0222


*Sniff* *Sniff*

... Moments pass as neurons sprint from the torrents hatch on up his cavity ...
He feels nothing but normal; it's all formal until he's laced with alacrity rapidly
Sadly, it's his downfall. In this time and space he escapes his broken spirit ...
... In reality, though, he's destroying himself, his wealth & token's dearest ...
Spoken clearest when he's soaring each morning w/ his daughter's presence
In his present mood he drops clues to rue's that are snatched up in reverence.
His breath's tense, as he assumes she understands the demands upon his head rants.
So he amends shams his mind's placed with grace & goes on to examin his dead plans.

*Sniff* *Sniff*

... Coerced to watch the nasel rot, to consume the rich fumes of parenting ...
Little Brenda's scared, so unaware of her fathers subconscience unwanting charity
... Verily she's alone, he's slipped away again to the numb parade of psycosis ...
Paranoia is ghost mist and rides to battle alongside the white captors blown kiss
It's all engraved deeply, creeping to long-term like a wrong term on the tounge
She's fragile and young, so impressionable, so agile and fun but he'll never know
She loves him dearly but she's lost respect for the wreck of emotions he's shown
Stuborn to the bone, she accepts "no" and steps prone to wait untill he's gone.
... Waits long to see he's preoccupied with matters & scatters, nothings wrong ...

*Sniff* *Sniff*

Time passes till it lap's his mind's casket so he draws 3 more lines to endulge
... Two get done but his body's old so he heads to the bathroom to convulse ...
Daddy's gone and opportunity unfolds it's arms to hold the neglected soul
... Rejected tolls till the infected coils it's scourge around the bill she holds ...
She mimics Daddy's bold poise & unleashes the noise of the deaf instructor
She inhales the product and conducts the unthinkable ... the breath of comfort
She coughs as her head aches from blood baked on caked membrains laced
Dawn evaporates to hate as the walls disapate till she's taunt with pain & numb.

*Sniff* *Sniff*

... Returning wordless, ever worthless as he closes the field inwhich he reigns ...
He rounds the corner of heavens bend and enters hell in a moments pausing pang
Something strange, Brenda's whithered behind the sofa, unmoving .. in a coma
... Blood trickles past her breathless lips untill the site rips his heart in cold lumps ...

"What have you done? I told you to leave that shit alone! Now your gone & im withdrawn
How will I live? I rely on you for proper income ... now it's gone & im finished!
Thanks, Brenda. Daddy's fucked because to touched snow & you diminished
I need to think again, feel that drip and be free again & I can't because you didnt listen."
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Last edited by Mentalz : 01-22-06 at 11:53 PM.
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Old 01-13-06, 06:03 PM   #2
Germ
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okay, i know i know, your lines were long, but thats okay, i got past it....there was alot packed into this, but it was totally worth the read, it had cool flow and multies, which is nice to read once in a while....good story, monkey see monkey do, or whatever....i can relate, well, just because i see so many people ruin their lives getting into this shit in my town, its disgusting....this kinda made me sad, but at the same time, annoying because i've seen it before, but good write, you punched more than one emotion outta me with this, good job, i'll try to find some lines i liked:

Verily she's alone, he's slipped away again to the numb parade of psycosis ...
Paranoya is ghost mist and rides to battle alongside the white captors blown kiss
Returning wordless, ever worthless as he closes the field inwhich he reigns ...
He rounds the corner of heavens bend and enters hell in a moments pausing pang

word up son, word up
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Old 01-13-06, 08:22 PM   #3
Willa
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godly should be legendary piece i could relate to this when thinking about my father flow was good tight shti mentz
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Old 01-13-06, 09:03 PM   #4
NaRc-UzI
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good shit Mentals the vocabulary and the multis blew me away but the imagry was in another level a defenate HOF piece IMO
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Old 01-14-06, 01:02 AM   #5
Mentalz
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Then nominate it you cunt bricks, be a doer not a talker wtf! lol. Thanks for the feed.
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Old 01-14-06, 10:42 PM   #6
Mentalz
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Uppin the piece.
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Old 01-15-06, 07:20 PM   #7
Mentalz
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Fuck it. Thanks for the feed you three, RV's wack with OM feed.

I'll be back when you fix what the newbs broke Drakel.

PM me.

Peace.
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Old 01-16-06, 10:52 PM   #8
Wicked One
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I agree with everyone else...Could Be a nomination for HOF...But anyways i liked this piece from the very start...Nice topic...Lines some were a little too long but its cool...Imagery was good...Multies were good too...Flow was also good too overall man

9.5/10...Keep up the good work man...
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Old 01-19-06, 12:21 AM   #9
Mentalz
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Uppin............
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Old 01-19-06, 12:55 PM   #10
night crawler
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good read , nice wordplay ... vocab was on point
structure nice ... i felt this from beginning till the end mayne
even tho dem lines a lil 2long .. but you heard that before
this flowed good N dem sum good multi's in here


overall nice piece cuzz'n .. keep up the good work
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Old 01-19-06, 02:42 PM   #11
Kawn Flixx
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Damn mentalz this was a tight drop i was really feeling it you had nice emotions and very good feelings going into your drop made it very poetic..you had a nice topic and very creative concept behind it..your wordplay and vocab was decent it could have been alittle better but overall i was really feeling this drop the only thing that could have been alot better was your structure and the stretched lines other then that pretty kool job.
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Old 01-20-06, 12:34 PM   #12
Mentalz
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Appreciate the feed you two, PM me some links if you want some feed on anything.
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Old 01-22-06, 04:22 PM   #13
Mentalz
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Stop sleepin' on this.

UPPIN!!!
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Old 01-22-06, 05:08 PM   #14
-Substance-
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damn, shit was real nice mentalz. the flow was perfect and the multies helped it out. the topic was nice and i can def respond to it. it was nicely done...good descriptions and vocab.

great job you homo!
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Old 01-23-06, 01:24 AM   #15
Paranoid
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Damn man, the only disadvantage to this one was that the flow wasn't there. your lines are a bit to long, try shortening them up man. but really your imagery/storyline was very compatable man, it kept me readin. your multiple use was good man, the first OM I've read from you when you actually used them and succeed with em great. So overall I'ma tell you this, dope shit man just keep writting like this but next time try and shorten your lines so the read would go faster.

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