Tears Of Ink
 

Shedding Tears While My Tortured Emotions Get Twisted
Coroding My Visions Ever Since My Life's Devotion Evicted
The Shear Agony Of Constricting Due To The Fear Stabbin Me
I'm A Mear Apothy Of A Dim Light Floating From Near Gravity
Shadows Dwell In My Vaines As My Eyelids Close To A Fade
Supposed To Be Brave But Lonelyless Brings Me Close In A Grave
Followed By A Shadow Of Burdains For The Connection Was Lost
Paddlin A Shallow, Rapid River Ever Since Our Affection Was Tossed
Feelings Swirling, Twirled In A Hurrican Of Converted Emotions
Burdained And Curvin To A Asserted Destiny Of Detiriorated Devotion
For The Moon Reflects In My Sight, While I Soon Eject From A Flight
High, In A Passion, Reset In A Fight To Detect The Love As The Might
In A Everlasting Journey, I'm Set In The Truth Of The Situation
Clowds Gather In My Toughts To Bring Rain Of Insicurity And Accusations
For I'm Built Strong, Heart Pounding When I Hear That Voice
Like A Bird's Song, Chirpin, Workin To Regain The Feel Of Rejoice
So I Drop Tears Of Ink As The Days Grow Old And Wither With Time
A Sinner For Love, Lost In The Midst Of Emotion...
......While My Thoughts Drift Behind.


http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2665111

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DOPE....9.9/10...It wouldve been a ten outta ten but i think 9.9 lookz cooler...lol...Everything was there, Vocab was great, Multies were there flow was on point structure wasnt TOO off but it was off a little bit but nothing major...Overrall a great piece, im feelin it man..keep it up...word...1

Cmon ppl this is a dope ass piece, ya'll need to start leaving feed on it!!!!!...word...1

lol, thanks for the feedback homie........

Supposed To Be Brave But Lonelyless Brings Me Close In A Grave


Lol @ how ill this was, makes me wanna close this out of anger.

You had good vocab and a multi rhyme scheme with lines that actually made sense.
Veeeeeery MC like. I loved it freal.

Nice shit, mines was better though btw.
Join the council, seriously.

lol, thanks for the feedback homie, yo hit me up on aim or msn.......and you need to stay quiet, don't feed lies to these kids by tellin them yours was better

*deletes thread*

Time to figure out who's the boss around here, chump.

lmao........*punches indepth how earlier had the name gay*

hey braw it was on point if i was actually into it i would give it a 9/10 but it didn't really spark my flame but there was some hot verses theat set the trck on fire keep it up and i'll see you on mtv 2 hommie

lol, aight homie........thanks for the feedback

It was good an shit. Vocab was good an shit. Verse was good an shit. Was on point an shit. 8/10 an shit. :thumbup:

and shit.......lol....thanks for the feedback homie...

I thought this was good...
The only downfall may have been your complexity. I felt that it may have been almost too complex and I found myself getting lost or having to re-read a line or two. The internals and flow were great, like they usually are when you write, I was feeling the ending most:

So I Drop Tears Of Ink As The Days Grow Old And Wither With Time
A Sinner For Love, Lost In The Midst Of Emotion...
......While My Thoughts Drift Behind.

^by far your best lines... also, dont capitalize every single word, its annoying like balls... good work on this piece though.


http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=222930

thanks for the feed homie.................

This was real nice, loving the multies and internal rhyming in this especially, Very well done. Only problem i got with it is that it felt a lil to complex at times, but other than that it was all good. My favorite bar was definitely the ending:

So I Drop Tears Of Ink As The Days Grow Old And Wither With Time
A Sinner For Love, Lost In The Midst Of Emotion...
......While My Thoughts Drift Behind

^^That was a good way to end it, in my opinion. Nice job man, keep it up.

thanks for the feedback homie................

Dam Tech that was dope !!

Vocab and complexity was just hectic, had to back track a few times just to
understand but it's all good.

Flowed nice can't really fault this verse at all really nice drop Tech.

Stay up

1~

thanks homie......yo peeps go nominate on the hall of fame peeps. no one's voting and we drop om's to get recognized so go vote for your choices

uppin for more feed............................

pretty dope drop man id give it 8/10
this piece was strong in everythin multies, flow, vocab, structure

thanks a lot for the feedback............

I dunno, to me the content didn't flow well to me. I mean, yes, you had very nice content in itself and good meaning but it seemed like every line was its own part rather then having all the lines supporting a larger meaning you know? It's weird, it just kind of felt like you tried REALLY hard to write this... Which may or may not be the case but either way thats how I kind of recieved this. Also with the vocab, while it was very nice and you obviously have a wide range of vocabulary, again... It just kind felt forced to me like insted of thinking and just writing you really sat down and thought everything out to the extreme which doesnt bother some people, but being as I write poetry the feeling of authenticity and real emotion is really important to me. Lines like:

Shadows Dwell In My Vaines As My Eyelids Close To A Fade
Supposed To Be Brave But Lonelyless Brings Me Close In A Grave

While the content in itself is actually very strong it just sounds very awkward to me. You used alot of pausing and interjectory words that slowed down the pace of the line as a coma or "..." would do. I dunno, if you did it maybe like:

Shadows dwell along cold veins
as wide eyes die to a fade.
I'm just trying to stay brave;
loneliness leading way to the grave.

I dunno, that's super fast and just my personal prefferance and style. But to me it just flows and the pace of the piece is then sped up, and everything works for the good of the whole piece rather then individual lines. Also the structuring with the all first letter caps is annoying... Lol, I used to write that saaaaaaaaame exact way to so I know why it's apealing to you now but trust no one else really apreciates it as you do. For readers its more of a burden than anything else. Lastly, try and use propper punctuation to help guide the reader so that in their heads it can be read as it's supposed to sound if it were to be said by you, you know? So ya, overall its a nice piece and I respect it for what it is but I see alot of potential in you so I felt the need to really pick this apart for the good of you. Stay up man and I'm looking forward to seeing what comes out of you later.

thanks for the good feedback, if only people gave that much feedback........