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02-21-06, 11:17 PM | #1 | |||||
Light Weight
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Wisdom Stumbles
IP: EE34 FF07
An eight-year-old prodigy living his life as if it's contemporary
Plays with oddities... slingshot's revolutionizing the ordinary Unfortunately, the child has no friends to share his personality But he happily picks up a rock, vividly loading his weaponry He caulks it back, intellectually, slowly... not to scare his target Takes aim and marks it, releases his grip just to cradle a carcass Oh Jesus, he begins to bury it. A monument symbolizes maturity Blood filled tears seal his eyes, as he'll visualize his family's security The purity of a functioning family, seemingly surrounding one man Happens as a future Dad gains wisdom by palming eggs in his hand. Nine years later he sits in a class, unaccompanied in the back corner Raises his hand; to fake adjusting his glasses and stretches his shoulder With every cold stare and evil eye directed his way he whispers ”Build your calluses, kid, and there will be no need for blisters…” His inhibitions are splintered: he wants to be popular but be himself And his spelling bee trophies are… collecting dust on the shelf He was raised well; it’s not his fault that his parents were protective But how can he have good manners, if he’s detected as obsessive… Of a reflection that will never be his? He just prays for kingdom come And I find it a damn shame: he’ll never speak his words of wisdom Sixty years of charisma has the child aged and finally preaching acts But the reactions he receives, are doing nothing but breaching facts, Burning paths, and breaking pacts…his wise ways question covenants And sixty years later, people are still shunning him and stunning him Tired of not fitting in, he walks a tight rope stumbling over wisdom He’s a bumbling old man, with nothing but old hope and broken vision His decisions are based on others now. He has none of his own views Down at the orphanage: “Haven’t you heard, kids?… God is old news!” A bruise forms on the mans brain, too many blows from blown potential If he didn’t stumble over wisdom, then he fumbled all his old credentials. Tears of Ink - Tech Skills Dynamite - Indeph
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Was he robbed of the ashphalt that cushioned his face? Last edited by I Am Unreal. : 02-21-06 at 11:37 PM. |
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02-22-06, 11:45 AM | #2 | |||||||
Oye...Tu Sabes..!!
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IP: F1FC 4749
this was real good. i enjoyed how it was structured so it flowed smoothly, while the vocab and rhyming in this piece was interesting to capture as well. you had some good imagery, no big downfalls. you had punctuation on point so i knew exactly how to read it....overall this was a real good piece
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02-22-06, 06:22 PM | #3 | |||||
in your system
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IP: 9E2F CDE8
this was definately a neat OM, although, i have to say, didn't feel the way you vocab'd the first verse....seemed like you were just trying too hard to get that nice rhyming flow, but it just came off as forced....but the second and third verse....loved 'em....beautiful, especially the third, near the end.....uhmm, you had a really cool topic, and expressed it well, and wrote it fantastically....well done mate
With every cold stare and evil eye directed his way he whispers ”Build your calluses, kid, and there will be no need for blisters…” Tired of not fitting in, he walks a tight rope stumbling over wisdom He’s a bumbling old man, with nothing but old hope and broken vision A bruise forms on the mans brain, too many blows from blown potential If he didn’t stumble over wisdom, then he fumbled all his old credentials. good show
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this world is a drug, and everyone's selfish FLY FREE |
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02-22-06, 06:29 PM | #4 | ||||
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IP: 31C2 62EB
Woah this was a really good drop i was really feeling it like drakel said really wasnt feeling the vocab usuage of the first verse but it recovered well you had nice emotions and very good feeling , your imagery was very vivid and i was really feeling this whole drop..keep it up.
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The Competition
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02-22-06, 06:35 PM | #5 | ||||||
New to RV
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IP: DE77 123E
hott shit ill leave feed in a bit
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02-22-06, 10:31 PM | #6 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: 85BE FE9C
yeah braw that was some hot shit i liked the way it flowed and the way it came together in my head i could picture the whole thing as if i was doing it keep it up and keep elevating hommie
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02-23-06, 07:54 AM | #7 | |||||
Black Poet
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IP: 860D ECBB
Sup I this was well dope, I like the inners you added to your flow, it makes
the verse flow better,.. Vocab on point, nice imaginary, painted a picture of what was going on. hott verse stay up fams 1~ |
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