End The Dream
 

End The Dream

I went to sleep at 1, dream had me scared and im not fakin
nightmares hurt, went to sleep though, didnt want to reawakin
but went back to sleep, let tha sandman carry me away
somehow I was in dreamland......tha devil's at play
saw his tail move around tha rock swiftly while in county jail
saw tha prisoner shanked, my friend died,tha felon will prevail
saw him coming for me next..twist his hand stab him twice
"didnt mean too warden!! honest to reflex," he was cold as ice
he dropped me in tha hot box.......... in hell, oh how nice
drifted away, I saw tha boogeyman, his face quites stunnin
nuthing but black, so when he pointed I started runnin
tripped fell, through an endless tunnel,like Alice and Wonderland
landed in mud.......oh my god, turned and was in another land
Night mare on Elm Street, turned agen and met Freddy's hand
cut on my eye running agen, oh no..........dead end
turned around, cut agen, man I want this Dream.......To End
woke up in my bed, cold sweat man im telling u its real
reached to my heart....... is this liquid I feel?
looked agen, cold metal bars..... I was back at tha penitentiary
wow... I cant believe I didnt notice this before, its elementary
its a dream, a really bad one, and my whole life it meant to me
it was lunch break agen, saw tha devil, man I wish this was over
maybe this is a repentment from god, cuz my girlfriend I drove her
out of my life........like I wish this dream was, all of a sudden an aroma
finally I woke up only to realize.........for 10 years I was in a coma

I used this in a battle..my first topical battle actually lol...tell me wut'cha think

can I get some feed or wut? lol come on peeps

I dont know how long you have ben writing. So ima just take it from my full perspective. The idead of it was coo, that was somthing a liked. But you tried to mash to many things into the pie. So just remember these things... Always look at your structure... Produce better vocab after every write... be creative ( which you were )... Take it to another level... Leave something, even one little thing... That people will remember... you feel me... It was OK, but you need work... and im with you, because I stay tryin to elevate...

( Dont take any of this bad, Just constructive, thats how I do aight... return the favor and peep my new open mic im about to put down plz... )

ok thanks man..yeah the other one I hav eon here is a lot newer lol..but thanks anyway

this was pretty good, had kinda a hard time followin it, but after a while i got it, flow was decent, vocab was ok, imagery and emotion were good and prolly the best things i saw in this, keep it up man

cool thanks....anymore feedback I like getting critiqued lol

come on people give me some damn feedback!!! lol please?

gimme some damn feedback!!! gosh lol

Meh...Nothing Special here. Put more vocab in it...Plus your flow is whack, put some Multi'z. Emotion lacked too. The Imagery was the best aspect in your verse. Like High Class said you tried so hard to fit one thing all In..In one Line which is not good. Dont stretch your Lines that Much, if you are Must have a decent Flow and Multi'z. Plus the concept is soooo Played out, next time Come out of that shell and go off on the Topic just not Focus on One word "Dream"...Ok Approach Though.

lol thanks tweety..yeah this was the first topical battle I had..dont know if I sed that lol

dang people.....maybe I should start leaving feedback on other Om's lol

nice drop ur flow woz fucked tho try workin on multis an betta structure an flow good drop keep up

Ha1 Ha1 Ha1 Don't Expect A Rapper To Come Like Kthis Hey Somebody Give This Man Right Here A Story Book Contract Straight Up Damn The Rhyming On This Whole Site Is Atrocious

it was decent
good drop man