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Hospitals
Hospitals
Harvey Dent  Hello sunshine, remember when we first met? The roses wet, in their crystal vase, smooth; red; beautiful like your lips. The rain pouring, reminding you of life, how times are rough for those who're lost. Your eyes were gloom, and I understood, losing a father blooms emptiness inside. But you were not alone, I too was lost, the betrayal in my home stole my fiancé. Day[s] are cold, but the heart stays warm, as memories are worn like clothes. Remember when we first met? Your tears that dried on my finger tips, how I kissed your lips, the fresh aroma. Sorrow went into a coma, to sleep forever, as our vowels were sworn so perfect. Every day was worth it, at least I hoped, should have known my errors would return. But I never intended to hurt you, remember our last night? I had only a few drinks in my system, paid no REAL attention to the hours. Drove home that night, should've knew that you would be waiting outside. I fell asleep behind the wheel, I fell asleep right in front of you. Later, I was consumed by guilt, as you were unconscious in a bed. Your mother once said words so wise right before she died, I'm yet to forget. She told me if I ever hurt you on purpose, that my soul would be worthless to God. But accidents shall always be forgiven, so have I been forgiven? Remember sleeping in that hospital? I spent four months at bedside, with dead pride, and so much agony. It's ironic, your heart was literally broken my inner child was awoken, as tears fell. Doctors let me know on a daily basis, the conditions, announced at the latest. remember waking up? I do, I wanted to end my own life, why? For nearly taking yours. My spine felt fractured, heart sewn. Seeing your eyes again, left my mind blown! I was expecting forgiveness, but really, how could I? Your first words were 'Why?' I couldn't reply, you took my breath away. I prayed to God, I prayed to Jesus too. But what I didn't do, was pray to YOU! remember our first fight? I do like it was just moments ago, told you sorry, but apologies were thrown. I should have known not to get you excited, and was frightened when the alarm went off. Your heart had to much, and our fight edged it. I should have been a full fledged husband. But do you want to know what hurt me most? It was being one of those to leave the room. remember when I quit? |
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ok this had good vision to it and made me see the story.the problem was that the story wasnt too original and that hurt you a little not to mention that it is too long for a poem that doesnt rhyme because its much harder for these poems to grab the attention of the people.vocab was good and metaphores worked well for you to keep my attention but i kinda strayed a little towards the end cuz of the length.this is a good piece if you cut it down bout 15-20 lines.i give it a 5/10
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