A Hurricane's Devastation
 

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=206741

“You can’t hold me, take care of the kids”,

His hand was clutching mine tighter, apparent Katrina was on course
I’d always been a fighter, but this “woman” was one of a greater force
My kids were crying I only hoped that they could stay on the ground
I glanced quickly around me and the changes were already profound
She took me in her arms and embraced me, as my husband despaired
We knew she was coming but never forecast this, we weren’t prepared
I told him to look after our babies, not to worry this was just my time
I was hurled into the air, away from my home, surrounded by grime
Now in the sky, I prayed for my family as heaven opened its gates
Cried as it welcomed me to its world that’s far away from the states



I’m lost she’s all I had, she’s all I had- Harvey Jackson

I tried to hold on to her, she was my life, the shining star in the night
When I was down, she would comfort me and try to put things right
I lost her, looked up and she disappeared from view, my face drawn
How am I going to tell my children that their mother has now gone?
Amidst all the chaos, I told a reporter the incident that had occurred
My kids by my side, I described everything, and how it was so absurd
I met my wife’s eyes before she let go and they were filled with fear
I muttered after she left, how without her was I supposed to persevere
Now all we have is the clothes we stand in and we’ve lost our routine
Unbelievable a country once rich now struggling to find water that’s clean

uppin............................

uppin..............

yeah that was cool...flows were there..vocab was bulk and concept was clear..i liked the piece...it was cool mayne...no critiques on this one...i like the concept a lot the way you took what the man said and made it an verse it was real creative keep droppin

aiight damn it's a pity you didn't get more feedback. I usually don't read these stuffs like I told you, but this was real good. I really enjoyed it. like that opener line:
His hand was clutching mine tighter, apparent Katrina was on course
I’d always been a fighter, but this “woman” was one of a greater force

i was like "Damn, that's tight", like how you called the hurrican woman, cuz of the name. shit was dope. loved that part. and also, it's dope to see you doing somethin' like this for the hurricane stuff. But I aldso liked how you did the part wit the wife then the husband. That was nice. You had nice vocab, and story was nice. I was actually picturin' how this would have looked. lol I jus wish you would have made it longer, cuz I would have read it too. ~_~ and maybe even put a third verse in from the childrens perspective. But overall, really nice piece. Keep it up. really liked it. stay up. pc. one. 9.5/10

^^^thanx for the feedback ya'll.....much appreciated..........

you had a great concept with this
your vocab imagery everything was good
im glad you didnt jsut do the basics you thought outside of the box good to see
i think this should be open mic of the month

I really find your stuff to be overrated, fyre. How is this original when it's based off a major thing shown on all news stations? How is showing two perspectives now original? Everything you rhyme seems to topical generic to me, you need to think outside the box, I don't know what that guy was thinking. A dead mother leaving a father and child behind? Done. Major catastrophe? Done. Heaven's gates? Done. 9/10ths of your emotional lines? Done. The whole topical seemed like something a kid could write...no offense.

Creativity- No.
Emotion- Hardly.
Structure- Okay.
Flow- Okay.
Vocabulary- Okay.

7/10

RTF on either Nice Guy Rhapsody or Last Verse in the Universe.

thanx for the feed but i disagree......not with all of it....just the part that said thats something a kid could right.....but everyone's got their opinion and i appreciate you droppin yours.......

oh no this not origional nicely done doe but you did get the concept off the TV it was all right

Inspiration comes from many places, and this is an emotional piece which is affecting everyone. I "enjoyed" reading it, although the context i didn't, but ur piece was good and gave us a glimpse of what is happening and what it would be like. 8.5/10, Keep it up.

RTF: Poetic Scriptures Katrina-05 and Competition w/ Myself.

I'm a kid and I write just as good. :)

good topic:) uhm imagery was there, ya flow n structure were on point but i sense theres something wrong w/ it but i dunno yet; ill figure it out once i read it a few more times; otha than dat it was AWESOME; keep up da hottness girl...1