need feed back from topical heads *** " BACK-STABBER "
 

its a little long so bare with me fellas.........


im telling u im not having it this time im serious
point blank pierod, im furious and getting more curious
about this aquarius, who like to live life precarious
at first i found gregarious, then he said he aint like sagittarius
i thought it was preety hilarious, concidering i was born dec.sixteen
but no worrys i carry a m-16, a killa's dream
out for the green but as good as it seems, there was a lean
a situation unsceen, a true back-stabber routine
we was lookin for a nigga name eugene
who always on-top of the cake like whipe-cream
been whip'in a corvett since thirteen,
a corroded nigga who can make dirt look clean
always wearing tight polo or tommy jeans N never levft without hes queen

OOOO-SHIT SHHHHHH!!!!

we spotted the victom, heat building sweat dripp'in
as we got ready for to ambush and pop the clip in
this nigga started tripp'in, lookin at the nigga daughter slipp'in
she bend ova with a mini-skirt, and with-out alert
the nigga called the bitch ova like a jerk with a smerk
u couldnt imagen how my heart hurt, but i figuer its time for work
i jumped out a spit fifteen :shoot: , herd the niggas runn'ina plus the bitch screem
she being raped, danm that was a big-mistake as 1 guy yell'in "christen",
herd the foot-step come close, so i hoped out and cut a nigga like a marine
saw the heat and i should of had it on, but i aint talk'in about sun-screen
but its the first time i herd son-screem, nervously look'in by the info-red beam
i thought it was april-foll or holloween,
cuz i seen a nigga top-off - lay'in by the side of hes spleen
as i let off N rounds drop like a submarine
i felt a hand on my back, felt relacks *thinking its my man * :thumbup:
but its a bitch with a adem-apple dress as a ku-kut-klan :help:
i swung and give him a apir of quick-cut-glance
but I passed out cuz it was that bitch name christen
then peep my man dress as a fag, cuz the whole time eugene was holding hastich a male
and my partner was really hes queen......
BANG BANG lights out as my blood run through the whole sceen

DANM
im dead......

ok....this was fairly goood.
it was a good read,i enjoyed it which is a big plus point


think ur imagery was good.it was a nice concept..sum gud rhymes
try to up ur vocab,it jus makes it look beta.

return the fav by dropping an honest vote on this topical battle plz
(make sure u gve a decent explanation)
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=138223

Yeah it was good and pretty creative which is nice to see.

aight straight up ..in da beginnin you focused on your ryme scheme n dint catch my attention.ya picked a average topic...was'nt feeling it ta be personal enough,your first verse lacked in content n story tellin..don't get me wrong it was'nt bad...2nd verse picked up for da story tellin part but lacked in vocab n ryme scheme,but i was deffinately feelin it more ..your ending was ok but it was kinda cliche"if ya get me" die'n at da end has been played...my advice would've been ta pick a better topic n try ta keep a balance of feelin /knowledge/storytellin all at once...ta write a really strong topical ya prolly need ta revamp it 4 or 5 times till its tight...it gets better each time...try using a tragedy..ex:fire or a victoryous moment:like birth for a strong topical..overall it was good..keep doin ya thing dawg....hope this helped..pc

maybe you could hit this up..its in da bag.
return da vote:http://community.rapverse.com/showb...ad.php?t=138655

yo nice drop cuz I'm feelin da fuk outta yo verse. keep droppin dat good shit bra ~one~