Revenge?
 

Pattering across the terrain, ill-omened feelings runs through my mind/
Chills rushing down my spine, closing in, I'm relieved at what I find/
In all this time, I come upon a small house, no bigger than mine/
Going a little closer, I notice cracked windows and a dimmed light on the top floor/
I stop for a minute, To enter the house or otherwise I'm not sure/
I have no choice but to step in, since I'm hungry and my legs are all sore/
Doing so I peer through the window on the lower floor, I see nothing but scattered trees/
A couple minutes pass, laying down, I try to get up on shattered knees/
The long travel I go through has staggered me and I begin to lose confidence/
I come to the point where I have no choice but to rely on common sense/
Therefore, I decide to crawl to the top floor, knowing it's my only chance of survival/
Fuck worrying about what I discover, anything I find is vital/
And to me there couldn't be an item up there only worth a trifle/
Refusing to remain idle, I find myself progressing to the top floor of the building/
Moving up fast, realizing it's for nothing but my life that I'm tilting/
Horrible feelings still ring in my head as I approach the end of the steps/
I come into the light only to know it’s me God sent to be wrecked/
Like Kennedy’s death that night I ended up a poor victim of shots to the head/
But not from pistols, M16’s, arrows, magnums no not even dots colored red/
Instead, I was left shitted on emphatically, by none other than life itself/
I was almost chased to my death, only to watch my loved ones sliced and killed/
Now I see clearly, how the price is still high even for the certain beliefs you practice/
Just for reading in Arabic, I had to suffer having my kids beneath the caskets/
why is grief drastic for me when I actually worried about the recompense/
Lord, please rid me of this nonsense, before I find myself on a quest for revenge/
Maybe the most ambitious rise, but it takes a brave heart to overcome the pain of descent/

this has nuthin to do with me i just happened to end up with this

Uppin Feedback Plz Ppl

aiiiiiight

str8in ya struture da flow is kinda chopped up

and put vocabs in cha open mics


its an good story mayne

but what really standed out was the feelings and the emotion

but work on the struture and flow mayne

*nuff said*


drop an open mic feedback


" expressing topicals"

its mainly because when i post it comes out differen structure is a lot better on other sited believe me

uhh about the structure if you post it in a smaller font or say...tahoma font it isnt lookin all stretched and stuff.......but flow was decent.....could used some vocab but emotion was there and nice story....
return the feed
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=162092
peace~1

yea very nice streak try postin it on thoughtz and see how the structure come our there.