Loyalty
stuck in a fued, mother and father, fight for pride
so close to both impossible to choose a side young boy, thirteen, in himself only, he confided striking belief in loyalty, what happens when its divided? chats and meetings, little comments trying to get him to sway everybody wanting custody, lawyers left asking which way? he's so confused, how can life leave him so bemused whatever he choose, still be feeling guilty like "the accused" he wants to call a truce, but he can't see the light his worlds so dark, like all he can see is the night mother trying so hard, he was the baby she held in her arms struggling, her house had more animals than most farms father comes from nowhere, 13 years he wants daddy time claiming he was too young, now its all good, he's in his prime his son, told by peeps, he'd missed out on so much only his mother there to pick him up when he was crushed its like everyone's stuck in a game, can't remember who's turn boy tempted like Usher just to say let it burn too late, in the courts hands and they choose his mother his fathers face filled with fury, cops suggest undercover in hiding, different identities, schools and friends told that they'd be safe but good luck is all they can send how could they be wrong, boy hears a knock at the door its all silence, mother, father, son are no more........ |
,,,, nice drop.....feelin dis one.......by da way asl?
..........gud stuff........nice ta c ppl writin meaninful stuff peace am out........... ~1~ |
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nice shit yo
i like that ending..word is bond yo...good shit...just work on your structure aswell as your vocab...although you did have nice vocab you could always work on it....' some of oyur metaphores where wack but then some where nice...i liked that farm line...but that usher line was weak.....but good shit yo....keep up the good work,..... i was honestly feeling this story...uasually when i read something this long i getr bored but for some reason i ddint get bored of it..and for that i give this shit an A+ |
^^^^thanx alot ya'll.......
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anymore feed????
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The story was strongest aspect of your drop, I'll start with bad comments first, okay? (well bad...just things you could work on)
- Structure: divide it into paragraphs, center it...so it looks better and that makes it easier to read as well - Vocab: could be slightly better, have to find a good balance between basic and complex Then the good things... - Emotion: was an emotional story and you had good emotion, could be lil more indepth maybe but overall it was strong - Description: you described everything in a quite vivid way but maybe lil more details here and there - Imagery: not too many, had an "in your face" kinda attitude which I liked Had a raw ending to it, definately feeling that. This was a good read, keep it up! DQ |
Nice to see my girl dropping...i looove ladies
nice drop baby it had meaning- im coming out watch out i'm dropping my last text drops soon ima respond to this you know me 8/10 |
some good multi's it really went together good and i was feeling it holmes,
now check mine out..."Complexity Remix Feat. Indeph and OneStepBeyond" and leave remix |
It was straight
Some decent vocab n wordplay here n there Story was nice, maybe could have been a little more in-depth towards the end, but i liked it Keep em comin Peace |
thanx ya'll anymore?
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Nice job baby girl, emotion was madd good, it was a very interesting read. Vocab and Structure should be worked on a bit, so it will flow just a lil' bit better. A pretty good OM though, good shit.
-CJ- |
dam girl pretty good
its pretty good structure and emotion 8/10 peace |
^^^thanx alot ya'll
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hey yo this joint is sick. nice drop ma.......keep doing ya thing. 10/10.
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