Sacrifice For success
 

Piece From Topical League, Want Some Feedback, Thx
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drop a link with-in 24 hours or this will be closed... http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=165166
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=170910

uppin........................................

bein slept on people

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http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=177218

1.Feelings flooding intellect, brain suddenly in direct
Thus collect the jigsaw pieces that my life dissect
Wrecked but yet a hope prevails in a certain distance
This one girls existence encourages a stern resistance
(nice multi's an good vocab...sorta computerized pattern..but nice..I like the metaphors..still a little structure wouldve made a diff. but I feel this line..keep tha hope alive along with ur women..)

2.For instance an addiction, true story turned fiction
Anatomy plagued by drugs now involved in eviction
Friction of relationship, thoughts position station wit
Ovation sits as mind considers that her patience slips
(oh shit...this right here is sum real emotional lines...I like tha whole feelin ta this ..good multis..fie ass storyline!!..like a lil motion pic in words..short story...I give this"best line in ur verse" award!!)

3.Educational opportunity, a chance that confuses me
Key to a future, a commanding choice that abuses me
Materialistic life with power to challenge the above
Or struggle & strife, shared with a girl that you love
(Near perfect reflection ta tha last line..but tha 3rd line was a lil bit 2 much over tha top..but still the rest flowed smoothly.)

4.Result to a dice, fate before my pride asks for advice
Success comes at a price, importance of this sacrifice
A painful decision, tears of joy? an emotional collision
Vision an empty life of waste, heart caged in prison
(sorta rolled away from tha last few lines but I like tha message!)

5.As I stand with mail, crooked shoulders tells a tale
Mental exhaustion, looking frail, application to unveil
Hearts ratio, pace greater, deposit letter in waste paper
A sacrifice for success? yes, to see that face later
(went hay wire on tha last few bars but still effective ending..I like tha face later part..but still sounded a lil forced.)

overall-8.9
why?-tha flow is a lil nervous and tha structure couldve been better!!
but,still outstanding story ta read...keep doin it,elevate ta that level killah!!


ColdStiLL.....
holla at me with sum feed back....1....HAH!!!

yeh this ain't my best slightly rushed maybe where I should have slowed down to make it nearer to perfect (in my eyes) but thx for the constructive critisism, i'll take that on board, been concentratin on audio recently so maybe slightly rusty on a few aspects but im bac....lol


i'll return the fav soon dawg

damn...this has mad vocab used well in some multi flows up in the upper section of the drop, tight considering this is a topical..topic coverage was original and on point all the way through..a lot of metaphors up in this, causing me to like think while readin the story...i liked your approach and content on this shit man..overall -8.5/10..dope..RTF..:thumbup:

Peace
-AC

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this was a real nice piece....you used nice multies and the structure and flow were real good....vocab was on point....an enjoyable read....keep doing it.....9/10

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this was a good piece but it had its good and bad parts of it i think

it had good imagery because of the vocab you put to describe things but i think you relied way too much on vocab...it cut off the emotion and it felt like there wasnt any emotion in the piece at all...it was just a bunch of big words expressing imagery

^thats good but i think emotion is more important...connecting with the reader will get you the vote more then making them see what your talking about in my case...but you did really really good on your multies because of the vocab...it works good and bad, bad because it loses the emotion and good because it brings out better imagery and multies...but thats where you gotta find out where to place the vocab in certain points so that you could have emotion,imagery, and multies all rolled into one...and when that happens your most likely gonna get the win unless your opponent has more descriptions and shit like that but overall good piece keep it up

return the favor in sig, "sacrifice for success" (yea same topic)
peace

That was a pretty dope verse man, I thought that the vocab was on point
dope,.. Flow was dope with a lot of word play and inner meanings...

This was a good verse prem can tell your a bit rusty on the other hand with
a bit more imagenry but it was dope.

Stay up fam

1~