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Drama Queen vs Parallel
Battle Rules:
16-30 lines Topic: Mortal Experience (death) No Recycling No Biting No D/r 4 days after checking in.. Minimum posts to vote: 600 Check in by: 03-20-05 at 09:47 PM Must drop verse in 5000 minutes after check in. |
ight drama its set up again...word
im writing my verse as we speak |
Parallel has ACCEPTED this battle on 03-17-05 10:34 PM.
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Mortal Experience 3 years ago grandma started getting lots of Pain I almost thought it was my fault so I was Ashamed She started going to the hospital daily since Then Grandpa helped out, grandma couldn’t hold a Pen I should of to visited more, I guess I chose Wrong Such a crazy phenomenon but grandma was Strong.. Grandma was smart, always loved to help out a Lot She fought for others, intelligence was what she Brought Everyday she had to go through that suffering & Pain Grandpa must a been insane to not think it was a Game She lasted so long, I thought she was more then Mortal She was immortal, like she came from an alien Portal.. 3 Months ago she was back in another hospital Bed I visited once, tried not to say something I would Dread I didn’t understand what the problem was at the Time So I went on with my friends, had fun at most the Time I tried not to think about her but I just really could Not She surprised me in how much she fought for her Life I knew that Christ had to have been in helping Out But I also knew that her time to parish was at Bout.. 4 days after I saw her, she was gone forever & Ever All of the family was sad, asking why grandma is Sever Apart from me I felt different cause I never Visited I should have committed myself, helped out & Visited Now I powder if I would have if she’d still be Alive She had the thrive to stay up but she didn’t Survive.. R.I.P. Denise Harder.. |
Drama Queen has ACCEPTED this battle on 03-18-05 12:08 PM.
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Locked up inside this jail where I get a sporadic glimpse of life But it's not all sorrow, it's the only place I haven't had no strife I do not feel anger nor pain, I only experience emptiness within Abandoned by everyone and yet I keep believing in remission of sin For I did not choose to do what I did, I wasn't the one in control You were right calling me a drama queen, played my theatrical role So now I'm writing you this letter to confide what I always denied I'll let you in on my dirty secret about the day my innocence died . . . Remember everything like it was yesterday, a cold November morning When I found that revealing picture in the mail without any warning Refused to believe what my eyes perceived and ripped it into pieces I never assumed you'd fool around with girls same age as your nieces So I put it all away, kept on convincing myself that it wasn't true Oh there have been times I wanted to ask you but didn't know how to Guess I was indeed a coward, that's what you always called me right? Maybe my whole existance was a lie, maybe you were just being polite Doing what you had to, bringing food on the table for the kids and me But I could no longer keep up with this masquerade, this bourgeoisie . . . So if you ever wonder why I ended it all with that rusty knife blade Because as a woman I felt betrayed, was only useful as your house maid I can hear you thinking: "why didn't you just kill yourself then?" That'd be the easy way out, I'd make the same mistake all over again Because with you, everything was simple but I never felt truly alive So I decided it was my time to shine like a dime and finally thrive I'm sorry for laughing at you laying in that puddle of darkred blood Should've thought of that before you dragged my pride through the mud Trust me, anything is better than living with such a dictator to obey So now I hope you understand why I killed my own innocence that day . . . Address: Heaven's Gates |
This was feedback posted for Drama Queen
checking this out........preeeetty good match here, both had strong verses.....good job
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Let's get some votes in here, sorry about your grandma btw man...
DQ |
thanks for the love drama,
uppin.................. |
^No prob...I think we'll have to start voting ourselves and beg people to honestly return the favor cause you can't get no votes in here otherwise...
DQ |
Voted For: Parallel
na easy battle to call DQ: Locked up inside this jail where I get a sporadic glimpse of life But it's not all sorrow, it's the only place I haven't had no strife I do not feel anger nor pain, I only experience emptiness within Abandoned by everyone and yet I keep believing in remission of sin For I did not choose to do what I did, I wasn't the one in control You were right calling me a drama queen, played my theatrical role So now I'm writing you this letter to confide what I always denied I'll let you in on my dirty secret about the day my innocence died . . . Remember everything like it was yesterday, a cold November morning When I found that revealing picture in the mail without any warning Refused to believe what my eyes perceived and ripped it into pieces I never assumed you'd fool around with girls same age as your nieces So I put it all away, kept on convincing myself that it wasn't true Oh there have been times I wanted to ask you but didn't know how to Guess I was indeed a coward, that's what you always called me right? Maybe my whole existance was a lie, maybe you were just being polite Doing what you had to, bringing food on the table for the kids and me But I could no longer keep up with this masquerade, this bourgeoisie . . . So if you ever wonder why I ended it all with that rusty knife blade Because as a woman I felt betrayed, was only useful as your house maid I can hear you thinking: "why didn't you just kill yourself then?" That'd be the easy way out, I'd make the same mistake all over again Because with you, everything was simple but I never felt truly alive So I decided it was my time to shine like a dime and finally thrive I'm sorry for laughing at you laying in that puddle of darkred blood Should've thought of that before you dragged my pride through the mud Trust me, anything is better than living with such a dictator to obey So now I hope you understand why I killed my own innocence that day ^^aite verse..i aint really understand how this verse realted to death in the first stanza..but i caught on..flow was good..vocab was up there..good shit.. Parellel: 3 years ago grandma started getting lots of Pain I almost thought it was my fault so I was Ashamed She started going to the hospital daily since Then Grandpa helped out, grandma couldn’t hold a Pen I should of to visited more, I guess I chose Wrong Such a crazy phenomenon but grandma was Strong.. Grandma was smart, always loved to help out a Lot She fought for others, intelligence was what she Brought Everyday she had to go through that suffering & Pain Grandpa must a been insane to not think it was a Game She lasted so long, I thought she was more then Mortal She was immortal, like she came from an alien Portal.. 3 Months ago she was back in another hospital Bed I visited once, tried not to say something I would Dread I didn’t understand what the problem was at the Time So I went on with my friends, had fun at most the Time I tried not to think about her but I just really could Not She surprised me in how much she fought for her Life I knew that Christ had to have been in helping Out But I also knew that her time to parish was at Bout.. 4 days after I saw her, she was gone forever & Ever All of the family was sad, asking why grandma is Sever Apart from me I felt different cause I never Visited I should have committed myself, helped out & Visited Now I powder if I would have if she’d still be Alive She had the thrive to stay up but she didn’t Survive... ^^eh..good verse..pretty good choice of words..same problem as DQ though..didnt really know how it related to the topics in the first stanza..great flow vote- parellel..his verse was more complex and flowed better Vote disqualified for inadequate feedback. Please see this thread if you need help on what qualifies as an acceptable explanation. |
Voted For: Drama Queen
DQ: good verse, your imagery was probably your best aspect, but the emotion wasnt far behind that. Decent use of vocabulary. At some points it was inconsistent and no need for a certain word, but in other places like the last two lines of your second part were really good. You stayed pretty consistent on the topic, a couple spots you fell off, but not many ppeople can stay on the topic the whole way through. I like the build up the intense part of your verse also overall: 8.2/10 Parallel: Well i felt that you could have done alot better with this piece, Especially compared to other pieces i have seen from you. You came at this topic with more of a simple angle. Not trying to delve too much into vocabulary or imagery. he most outstanding part of your verse would be the emotion. You kept that on a steady pace the whole way through so i appluade you for that much. Could have done better in a couple areas but not too bad of a verse overall: 6.8/10 Vote: Drama Queen Please return the favor with an honest vote on this battle.. no one really votes anymore so it will be greatly appreciated http://community.rapverse.com/showb...ad.php?t=182367 |
i dont liek your vote flow, not at all:@......o well uppin
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im sorry if i dont vote simple.. i dont keep a topical battle simplistic and thats what you did, and i have never had beef with you so its not a hate vote its an honest one. If you have any other open battles that need votes i would gladly vote honestly on that one also
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Voted For: Parallel
Drama Queen you had a great verse i was feelign your poem, nice vocabulary some good stucutre but your lines a little streched if ya knwo what i mean, i saw lots of bad syllable counting there which also through the flow off, but the imagery was pretty good some words in there that i wouldnt have needed but its pretty good voeral some nice emotion i was feeling it... Parallel you came pretty good one of your best ive seen in awhile yo, very good imagery, some nice emotion at most points the stucutre was perfect nigka and your syllable coutn was very godo which gave soem nice flow to your poem nigka, keep doin ya thing ya doin good mane. vote-parallel |
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