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Ill Emotion In This Shit PLEASE READ
I woke up early in the mornin, the crack of dawn
Wonderin where the fuck i am and what kinda shit i'm on What went on, what kinda shit went down last night I dunno what happened but i know shit went too fast right I lost my mind there's a dead body right in front of me Blood on my hands and shirt, the shit is really stumpin me I'm grippin my hair my pace of breathing is speedin up Someone knockin at the door like what i see is not enough Now i'm reachin up to the sky askin why Ballin my eyes thinkin all i can do is fuckin cry I can't define waht i feel inside my visions blurried I'm stressin and worried another friend in the cemetery Mixed emotions stirring up all around A relentless monster in me is all i've apparently found My closest friend lie on the ground i hold a gun A bullet shell where i woke up, what have i done? The next thought that comes to mind is to get rid of it Drive up late to a lake throw the body over the bridge It's fucked up isn't it? What am i supposed to do? I'm gettin closer to the Angel of Death my concience pulled in 2 I'm goin schizophrenic it's hard to manage with the guilt I can't remember one thing from that night my life is standing still It's all going downhill that was the shock before it goes The guilt is building up and in my head storing in rows Anger pooring with no thought of controlling it His family asking where he is and who he's rolling with I tell them he went away out of state to stay That he won't be back his old life ages by a couple of days Now smokin and drinkin with hope of releasing the guilt Trying to start over with a brand new life to fulfill But it's not workin not a fucking scrap to work with I'm goin bezerk can't i just tell what i have that's hurtin? Thoughts of suicide pain in misery thru my eyes The truth's that i'm a killer only thoughts of you and i The truth is what hurts, it all happened too fast to grab it I pulled the trigger passed out woke up wonderin what happened These thoughts casted on me reminincing, all the memories My life flashes in front of my eyes while i'm drinkin hennesey The Lord is sendin me to hell now i already know it A 9 millimeter in my hand with thoughts of blowin it How do i cope now? All of my hope's down All i gotta do is pull the trigger bullets get blown out No doubt of an eternity of torturing Bein burnt to death a life of hell forwarding But i'm a sinner i know i'm nothin perfect Crazed off the refer is this life even worth it My life can't get any worse but the guilt will tho Put the gun against my head, pull the trigger face in my pillow With a note in my hand sayin i'm sorry Askin the Lord to please forgive me, end of the story |
shit was hot nice vocab can be upped a lil structre good i liked the break down between bars flow good stayed on topic thourgh out it all good job
7/10 please return the favor in my open mic link in my sig |
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uppin this shit i would really like some feed on this....i put a lot of thought into it....UPPIN THIS SHIT
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I woke up early in the mornin, the crack of dawn
Wonderin where the fuck i am and what kinda shit i'm on What went on, what kinda shit went down last night I dunno what happened but i know shit went too fast right I lost my mind there's a dead body right in front of me Blood on my hands and shirt, the shit is really stumpin me ^^need more emotion in this part, refering to "shit" to much I'm grippin my hair my pace of breathing is speedin up Someone knockin at the door like what i see is not enough Now i'm reachin up to the sky askin why Ballin my eyes thinkin all i can do is fuckin cry I can't define waht i feel inside my visions blurried I'm stressin and worried another friend in the cemetery Mixed emotions stirring up all around A relentless monster in me is all i've apparently found My closest friend lie on the ground i hold a gun A bullet shell where i woke up, what have i done? ^^good setting of the plot so far The next thought that comes to mind is to get rid of it Drive up late to a lake throw the body over the bridge It's fucked up isn't it? What am i supposed to do? I'm gettin closer to the Angel of Death my concience pulled in 2 ^^last line was a nice concept I'm goin schizophrenic it's hard to manage with the guilt I can't remember one thing from that night my life is standing still It's all going downhill that was the shock before it goes The guilt is building up and in my head storing in rows Anger pooring with no thought of controlling it His family asking where he is and who he's rolling with I tell them he went away out of state to stay That he won't be back his old life ages by a couple of days Now smokin and drinkin with hope of releasing the guilt Trying to start over with a brand new life to fulfill But it's not workin not a fucking scrap to work with I'm goin bezerk can't i just tell what i have that's hurtin? ^^this section kinda've dragged on a bit to much Thoughts of suicide pain in misery thru my eyes The truth's that i'm a killer only thoughts of you and i The truth is what hurts, it all happened too fast to grab it I pulled the trigger passed out woke up wonderin what happened ^^this seems repetitive, like youve already established this b4 These thoughts casted on me reminincing, all the memories My life flashes in front of my eyes while i'm drinkin hennesey The Lord is sendin me to hell now i already know it A 9 millimeter in my hand with thoughts of blowin it How do i cope now? All of my hope's down All i gotta do is pull the trigger bullets get blown out No doubt of an eternity of torturing Bein burnt to death a life of hell forwarding But i'm a sinner i know i'm nothin perfect Crazed off the refer is this life even worth it My life can't get any worse but the guilt will tho Put the gun against my head, pull the trigger face in my pillow ^^nice line, excellent ryhme scheme, n good concept here With a note in my hand sayin i'm sorry Askin the Lord to please forgive me, end of the story ^^endin was decent, but it wouldve been hader hitting in my opinion if you wouldve worded "but thats the end of my guilt story" . ./ overall this was pretty good, some parts couldve been better but you deffinately have alot of potential with topicals from what ive read so far.. try to get more imagery n make more use of metas in your drops.. remember the ending"closer" can make or break your verse in the end :thumbup: |
thanx man i really appretiate the feed.....i just wanna make this perfect so when i record it people can go "oh that's hard with a lot of emotion in it" you guys will hear it on audio once i find a good beat for it....thanx for the feed man UPPIN
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uppin man this shit don't need to be slept on
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Uppin This Shit Aahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! More Feed
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why don't ANYONE GIVE FEED BACK ANYMORE?????? uppin
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Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh Uppin Let's Get Some Feed!!!!
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yo it was an ok poem but this style really just isn't me so i'm gonna review it as best as possible. I don't know of the emotion so much as the imagery in the poem. I knew what emotion should be there but only cause of the situation. You established it but i didn't feel you tappin into the mind of the psychopathic action you just commited and since you said again you should probably seem more frantic and saddened plus this is your best friend right. Don't just tell me you're cryin hard, give me the image and the wave of emotion that comes over you, you know the knot in your throat and the throbbing headache that comes in waves when crying hard. The uneasy feeling in your stomach when you're nervous and the pain in your heart when the realization hits you of the situation at hand cause at times things can feel surreal and then hit you like a ton of bricks. I'm not the best at this but i'm bout to give you a link for a poem i did called "feel the emotion", you should check it out i think saddeness was in there.
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=176212 anyway there's feed, the imagery was off the chain really but i couldn't feel the emotion. Didn't hamper the poem too much though 6.5/10 |
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