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04-28-05, 05:22 PM
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#1
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Light Weight
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neww shitt pleasee postt itss good mann
IP: 6B63 0BC5
its drama kickin off the infared lazers is blazin hot
burnin up your whole block lord forgive em they know not im poppin off all 32 shots leaven the bodies to rott its all about a plot in the game a spot in the game who gets to takin the blame n whose claimin the fame whos changin their name whos stayin the same were comin out the kitchen now plenty ammunition pow a runnin buckin jumpin out the window my gunz bustin it came that im bleedin so fast but its God that im trusten yet im steady ready to snap off at any moment clickin the trigger quicker than any fukken apponent this is my emotion its flowin like the sea or the ocean its like some potent candy potion so upload n promote it this rap shyt ill own it cuz it wont it cant be candy coated whys this shyt got me about to crack or crumble but ill keep focussed wont loose track or stumble keep it bottled up and mumble under my breath till i near die and have another brush wit death maybe then youll know that i aint here forever maybe i wont be as lucky my nerve can be severed i could end up burried like the rest of em in a graveyard takin the same sentence cuz we all deprave God
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04-28-05, 05:31 PM
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#2
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Flyweight
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IP: A2B3 0A44
ok...I think this wasn't the greatest OM and would probably sound better as audio,
here's why. It barely had any plot. it was flow for the sake of flow, and for most rap songs, ie. luda, chingy, etc... thats what they do... no plot just random ish to a dope beat. -structure. your structure was off. i didnt like the way you used 3 lines for the same word in some places... it kinda through off your flow. -vocab. vocab was weak for an om, again, good for an upbeat audio.. -imagery just wasnt there at all.. -good self glorification.... but eh, make an audio and id rate this better. 5/10 http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=187849 ^ feedback
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 Only way out now...is in a box.
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04-29-05, 02:13 AM
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#3
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Detrimental Thoughts
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IP: 2E75 EE69
i agree with l i n e . this shit would sound raw on audio i think.....you had a real nice flow....this kinda reminded me of Krayzie Bone a bit
keep it bottled up and mumble under my breath till i near die and have another brush wit death maybe then youll know that i aint here forever maybe i wont be as lucky my nerve can be severed i could end up burried like the rest of em in a graveyard takin the same sentence cuz we all deprave God that kinda reminded me of Pac especially the last line....structure was good....ok vocab you can up it a bit tho, this was a good piece i give it a 7/10.....i'd really wanna hear this on audio tho return the favor http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=188394
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