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H-N-I-C 04-29-05 11:21 PM

Walk wit me
 
I dropped this OM a few months ago, but it didn't get much feedback so I'mma do this again


This is a lil topical joint I jus came up wit about my Grandfather's death



I dropped the phone and sat in silence can’t believe this is real
This can’t be anything but life dishin another raw deal
No appeals, seems so unreal, so I pinched my left arm
Squoze it tight and broke the skin…yeah the shit did some harm
So I sighed and dried my tears cuz I’m still in reality
Couldn’t rise up to my feet…not in the right mentality
So I just sat there for a minute still shocked in disbelief
Wish my moms would come and hold me so I could feel some relief
.
.
But wait a second u cats don’t even know the story
So I’mma break it down for ya and give God all the glory
.
.
.
I’ll skip back about 5 minutes…yeah right there’s about it
Sorry…had to press rewind…now we’re back lickety split
1:37 in the a.m. the phone rings…but something isn’t right
The tone is agitated as if expressing contrite
I awake sluggishly with wintergreen scope on my breath
Unaware that this phone call was concerning a death
“Hello” is what I said in a deep raspy tone
“Is this some kin to Johnny T I’m speaking with on this phone?”
All I could think is Oh my God, but “I’m his grandson” is what I said
“Well I regret to inform you this but…your grandfather is dead”
.
.
.
Fast forward to the wake where mom cries with revere
Makes it clear that she’s distraught that her dad is not here
It cut my family so deep…the scar left was so severe
Everybody broken down cryin, I’m bein strong sheddin no tears
I know its o.k. for men to cry but, I’ll do it on my own time
Cuz right now my family needs me…life ain’t seemin sublime
But God brought me through the pain…lifted me to my feet
Showed me Johnny T in a dream helped me to be complete
Told me don’t worry bout gramps I got this under control
Follow my word, live ya life right and BEHOLD
.
.
Then he opened up the heavens and allowed me to look
“You’ll be granted eternal life when we close the pages of ya book”

H-N-I-C 04-29-05 11:24 PM

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MY ABC's


making Love to Her

Kawn Flixx 04-30-05 12:01 AM

Hm..this was an iight peice..
Structure was good ,
You had some nice wordplay ,and decent vocab
alittle simple but it was okay, ...
Topic was good , Concept was good ..
I felt it could have been alittle better in feeling , and emotions
Maybe elevate your vocab , and wordplay..Try to use better imagery ...
Overall this was an iight peice.. keep it up

H-N-I-C 05-01-05 02:19 PM

Preciate tha feedback...uppin this

H-N-I-C 05-03-05 12:02 AM

uppin............................................. ......

H-N-I-C 05-03-05 09:34 PM

C'mon...can somebody besides tha mod leave some feedback

H-N-I-C 05-20-05 11:04 PM

uppin...somebody retrun tha favor

H-N-I-C 05-22-05 02:48 PM

come on...don't be afraid...leave feed

H-N-I-C 05-25-05 04:23 AM

It's not goin away.....leave feed

MADDRAPPER 05-25-05 07:54 AM

this was nice write but some people won't leave feed on sad events like this sorry this happened good write doe

DQ 05-25-05 09:18 AM

I think I already read this one, it rings a bell for sure though. Concept has been done before of course but it's a natural reaction to write dramatic events down as a cure for the pain. I like how you portrayed the emotions first without actually telling the readers what had happened. Then you go more into detail with some good imagery as a close-up and afterwards you give a more global view, the family's grief. The piece had a filmic vibe over it in my opinion, it was as if watching a movie with the different scenes. My favorite part is the ending where you are soothed by your deceased grandfather in a dream and where he reveals a part of the afterlife mystery.

Good piece!

H-N-I-C 05-26-05 06:01 PM

uppin one mo time.......


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