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Runnin'
Runnin'
I rip fast quick dodgin thru crowds get my hip past then i hit to class runnin and clip someones kit glass knockin down test tubes they comin to arrest fools i used the best tools but was still caught with less rules police bargin in but they were slippin up like margarine locked the door with rocks and oars and heard "target in" they blasted in i duck out the bedroom window flyin into the alley with babies cryin and fiends low supplyin dont kno where im going but im kno im flowin fluently people slowin me down push 'em like its either u or me police poppin up everywhere like agents in the matrix cease locking doors many watchin while the day flips 5:06 people turnin on thier tvs to watch some flix but CNN comes with breakin news and a dumb chick reportin: "A male african american has led police on a chase they're movin at a fast pace in which he will catch a case if he doesnt give up then they will have him locked down cops now are using helicopters to stop this madness now told by a few people that this has been going on 3 hours i see this kid is not a coward and has so much free power i dont understand why he is doing this but he will ruin this if he stops and gets arrested many will be through with this this is Susan Rightlist reportin for CNN now heres a kiss" Now back to the story still runnin fast past like im sonic tryin not to crash dodgin the blasts shits kinda ironic cuz im runnin faster than track teams and i never joined robbed the bank and money stack seems like its conjoined i realize that i didnt steal that much cuz these are glued fake shits the weight seems real but still i was screwed now its time to elude i knew this dude and he owed me he was eatin food i said change clothes and dont slow me he kept askin why and i would reply with u'll see soon step out dressed in a suit and briefcase and fled the room police came like typhoons got my man under a blue moon put glasses on and i look back mouthing i'll see u soon i go to the subway and daydream like my brain's stoned i get on, then put my head back, and take the train home links comin soon......... |
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interal rhyme'n was commendable.............very impressed
nice story line and vocab...........you didn't over do it and the rhyme scheme was very impressive......dope drop |
I thought this was good, the concept was cool a good original story.
Story pieces are the hardest to write cause you gotta keep the story fluent so the reader doesnt get bored so i think you did a real good job with the story. The vocab was perfect for the piece it wasnt too complex so the piece was easy to follow and understand. You told it from a few perspectives but you still kept it a focused piece which was cool. The imagery was solid i liked the track team line that stood out to me. The flow was nice i saw the multies but you got a bit inconsistant with the flow in some of the bars so id say keep the flow consistant in every bar it adds complexity to your writtens. Good Piece. Return the feed on my om 'Sick State': http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=215827 |
Left feed on Sick State. Thanks for the feed ya'll uppin for more...
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uppin................
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uppin............
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this was sick...multi's nice story good description you would be a beast on audio...That is if you can spit
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yea im tryin to get into audio but i dont have any equipment right now
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damn! ur story is crazy...... and that flow with the compound rhyming was crazy..... props to u playa...
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thanks man, like i told u i put more time into this one.
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yea kidd, that was a nice story, like homboy Mc says that would be tight on some audio shit. when u do get that equipment hit me up with a link, killer fool.
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Thanks for the feed man
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yeah, this wasn't bad...except for the lone fact, that you kinda had some whack lines in there, and the story was a little eh, if you know what i mean....some cool lines, but i think just the enjoyment level was kinda abrupted by lines like this
i see this kid is not a coward and has so much free power this is Susan Rightlist reportin for CNN now heres a kiss" i think it was mainly the middle verse, because news reporters don't talk like that, lmao cuz im runnin faster than track teams and i never joined i liked that line, word, keep writing and you should have some serious potential, word up |
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