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-   -   Topical: Going Under (http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=223128)

BlAzInHoT 02-25-06 01:45 PM

Topical: Going Under
 
Topic: Going Under

Cant hold on anymore man,im going~under, lifes jus my growing~blunder
Theres quik sand flowing~under me, n for me man its not slowing~wonder

Ingulfs my mind, how'd i get ta this~damn~point, I look bak disappoint-
Ment is all i can remember. only 29, but still smoking this~damn~joint

I'm sitting on my couch in my shitty~apartment, not a pretty~compartment
Wholes punctured in the wall,three rooms, small like a glove compartment

Da stuffing comming out of da couch,40 ounce in hand as i go to crouch
Puke on the floor,sit back rub my unshaved face and think as i slouch

The wall paper is droopin down on the wall, this place falling~apart
Phone rings,callin~apartment manager demanding money im stallin~start

To say ill get it,but she hangs up, jus a lie i got nothin for~rent
Nothing anymore~spent it all gambling, those drugs, n some more~went

To women,walk over to the rooms~small~sink, countinue to consume~my~drink
N smoke dat joint,stair in da cracked mirror,ugly face in it,resume to think

That i was nothing since a small~kid, get dizzy n grap the wall~rid
Myself agian of vomate. when i was seven my school got the call~hid

The truth, they said my parents were gone, that they had dissapeared
N den put me in an orphanig, n no one wanted me n this~brought~tears

Started den n my life kept goin~down, the waters jus been growing~drown
At anypoint i think i jus mite cuz my life neva been easygoing~frowns

Now indented on my dirty face, return to the living room witout grace
Toppel onto the floor, screaming out loud gotta get out of this place

I stand up n stagger over to the window, savin thoughts within~blow
In den out, angrely pull it open, my head spins~snow starts to blow

Into my apartment, 8th floor, below, covering the ground the~snow
Den i slowly get up on the ledge, i see~no point in life n then go

links soon to come

H.D. 02-25-06 04:41 PM

you have alot of multies, and good imagery but this lacks real emotion... I didn't feeling the depression this shoulda displayed... the structure was cool for the most part... but the flow coulda been more fluid... the build up to some of the multies was too constricted... it effected the over all flow... but keep doing what you do... 1

Kawn Flixx 02-25-06 08:48 PM

Drop two links or this will be closed

Bonafide 02-25-06 09:33 PM

Multies in this were really nice man, good job with that, and the imagery was very good too. Like H.D. said it lacks emotion, i didnt really get any feeling out of this, the flow was nice for me, not bad at all. Defenitely keep it man, pleas rtf on anything in the sig, thanks. Peace.

I Am Unreal. 02-26-06 02:04 AM

Wow this was actually not bad. The second I looked at your structure I was like "Fuck this is gonna be shitty" ... fix your structure. Imagery and emotion were solid throughout, multies were ok. Internals were nice and I was feeling the flow in most places, it's good when you can make the melody in your head. I liked the way this ended too, left it with strong emotion...good job.

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=223176

BlAzInHoT 02-26-06 05:43 AM

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2670394
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=222330

upping more feed

BlAzInHoT 02-27-06 02:40 AM

common people stop sleepin

BlAzInHoT 03-01-06 03:10 AM

you guys are being bitches
give me some feed here


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