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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
02-15-06, 04:21 PM
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#1
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Poet's Daughter.
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Irreversible
IP: 13A6 FD6E
Wrote this one onto a beat.
I walk on the steps, going into another realm, wings of the angels acting as a elm, going in as a helm, and I'm not feeling overwhelm, nor grim, my head is high like a beautiful rose stem, that's until the wheather changed to a disaster, my heart got hit hard into a plaster, then I reacted ...OMG is there a pastor? Scripted lines from my palms, started changing, I started panicking, then with clear liquid, I ...Started washing. A crucifix sign laying there right infront of me, feeling so steemed, what could this feeling be? I need this go away, decay, and that's wen I ...Press Play. Sitting in my room, under the moon, hearing blues, bearing in this sad tune, my heart been badly bruised, ripples of the guitar sending waves into my badger mind, where the place "self" I can't find, call me Ray, I'm blind, heart of drum comes into play and it sounds so familiar, It eases my pain, and it clears up my brain, this is a killer, tip tap, that must be the rain, the quiet ones runs down my cheeks, heart throbbing in agony when everytime I *sigh* I'm drowning in my own ocean, pores open with salty sweats, I'm fend to lose my breath, if I don't swim myself out of this. My mind blurry like looking into a screene with full of "rice", I'm swimming hard as I can, but my arms are weak ..It looks like I'm fend to lose the fight, sharks coming after me, but what's the use, I have no life, so I weaken myself and drown, no accident, for a purpose, I'm going to hell anyways, why waste space on this surface, where it's going to hurt worse, the exposure is going to sting, the big bold letters in the article going to put me in eternity sleep so I leave u with this tape, "don't worry" and a loud bang, now everything done changed, lips are sealed once again, what i've done can't be reverse, one mistake and my life is over. True story here, a man beat his girlfriend to death, he didn't mean to, he wanted to teach her a lesson and not cheat on him again, after that the cops said they found a tape called "Don't worry" It plays a instrumental, which the cops believed he made, it was played by a guitar and drums. Chea. http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2658638 http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2658646
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mystery Is a Freak!! ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life. Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8 ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do. Smartone Freal:  ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged* |
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02-15-06, 04:29 PM
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#2
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Poet's Daughter.
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IP: 13A6 FD6E
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mystery Is a Freak!! ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life. Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8 ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do. Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged* |
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02-15-06, 08:31 PM
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#3
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Oye...Tu Sabes..!!
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IP: F1FC 4749
it's pretty good, some parts did need work, like your rhyming, on some words i had to twist them around a bit to much to make them rhyme. but you did have some good imagery. the topic was ok. still think you could've done bette tho rtf in any of my OM
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02-15-06, 08:38 PM
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#4
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Above Originality
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IP: 9465 0DDF
yea this was a good drop.....i mean ive seen better work from you...but this was just good nothing too spectacular. ur imagery well some didnt work but it played off well everynow and then! it felt like u were tryin to hard....u should just let it come to you. the topic?!?!?! MEH! was okay
i just honestly think you could have done way way better! grade this 6/10
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Chryme Syndicate
-Chalkin' Up Your Future |
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02-15-06, 10:02 PM
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#5
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Middle Weight
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IP: 903F 26CB
Honestly I like the reason you wrote this.. but I wasn't really feeling the piece it self... it was an interesting topic though... I didn't feel that you really painted a vivid picture, or conveyed the guy's thoughts with any real clarity... emotionally I just didn't take that journey with you in this piece... however there is a dope quote in this...
"so I weaken myself and drown, no accident, for a purpose, I'm going to hell anyways, why waste space on this surface" That right there is hott...
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\....../ \..../ \../ A.I. Spilled Inc.   |
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02-26-06, 02:14 AM
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#6
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Light Weight
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IP: AFB5 2A33
K, or Lyric perhaps? Nice writing style.
Even so though, this was not a great piece. You had so much more potential to do something great with this. The outline was there but your concept needed work. I think you needed to find a new approach to writing this piece and it just didn't happen, sorry bud... wasn't feeling it too much. That's crazy how it's a true story though... Fucked up world......... Pz http://community.rapverse.com/showt...305#post2670305
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Was he robbed of the ashphalt that cushioned his face? |
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02-26-06, 05:42 AM
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#7
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New to RV
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IP: 127E 43A1
this was an ok piece i guess, wasnt really feeling it, but it had ok imagery, also some lines didnt rhyme together
I'm drowning in my own ocean, pores open with salty sweats, I'm fend to lose my breath, if I don't swim myself out of this. My mind blurry like looking into a screene with full of "rice", I'm swimming hard as I can, but my arms are weak work on that dis is sum fuked up shit that it was real, lol didnt the guy no when to stop???? wat a dumbass |
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02-26-06, 03:00 PM
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#8
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1926
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IP: 3240 794D
The piece in itself wasnt that bad and I liked the concept and the idea and everything... But there were alot of places to me where I thought if things were just worded or phrased differently they could have been alot stronger and more effective. Also, I didn't really like the flow, how it paused all the time with the coma's just kind of slowed everything down to a boring pace for me when I felt this should be a quick sort of erratic and emotional read you know? But overall I think I didnt like the piece, it just had a few things that I felt could have been cleaner.
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