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-   -   [catching Tear] (http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=224406)

Journal!st 03-14-06 04:14 PM

[catching Tear]
 
The Catching Tears


So defined in existence left with fear in fifth gear
As soon as the sun sets a new day starts to tear.
Descending upon pain, held guilty upon thy RAIN
For the four seasons of loneliness begins with Rushed pain.
Sailing so softly in a downward spiral, as if in shame
No one yet to remember of the past so forgotten is your name.
Scented Failure drenched on thy body of innocence
All eye’s on you as fakeness of love falls in remembrance.
Slowly dripping on the shy face of essential Degrade
Bullied and picked on with no friends in every GRADE.
Colored racists flaring, every one pin pointing at one another
Not thinking before they act as they notice there the lonely other.
No food on thy table. For what table is there to begin with
For I am the lone ranger sailing on thy own on the LONELY SHIP.
Ocean crashing against the rocks as I wake up to a new day
But nothing ever changes thy way so I may say until today.
As I watched how the rocks stopped the waves with it’s touched
I reminisced of a time where I had that feeling and loved it so much.
For then where has it gone, for why has it thy left me alone
Leaving me stranded and drenched in pain with no pain feeling COLD.
For it was not thy fault. It was me all along for I had not seen.
Drenched my soul is the ascending water. As if I was in a river stream.
Solemnly though I swear upon your faithfulness SEAM
To one’s eye’s in surprise as I glide on this believable BEAM.
As you and I collide to be one thy sight of happiness is Keen
With you help of guiding and my will to believe brings us as a tag team.
In an endless scheme of endless DREAMS there’s no fear HERE
As I float atop the ocean I call my OWN dream. The catching tears.



links:
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=224378
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=224316

B.I.G. 03-14-06 11:49 PM

wow

that's a nice verse

fav bar:
"Solemnly though I swear upon your faithfulness SEAM
To one’s eye’s in surprise as I glide on this believable BEAM. "

-Substance- 03-15-06 10:08 AM

this was nice, although you took the same topical i did.....but it did have some good bars in it and some good sense of imagery.....good job sho

Journal!st 03-15-06 03:50 PM

^^this was from the sapient speech homes...remember we chose the same topic against our opponents.....

well thanks for the FEED...............uppin this.

-Substance- 03-15-06 05:50 PM

oh yea.......lol

I Am Unreal. 04-25-06 08:49 PM

Pro: Your structure. Syllable count didn't fuck you up in any places. Nice.
Con: Annoying use of the word "thy" and capitalized words. It would be alright if you used 'thy' in a piece that was more poetic, but I'm not feeling it for topicals. And normally, i only use capitalized words when i want to express emotion and I wasn't really feeling it.
Pro: Vocab was decent. Using bigger words to rhyme can only help you improve and make you a better writer which you did in some places with "innocence and rememberence". Be careful not to use words that nobody understands though, 'cause it can really hurt your imagery. Good.
Con: Long lines with little or no internals. This hurts your flow and takes away from the overall read of the piece. Work on it..
Pro: Pretty good story telling abilities, always an interest but just look to add internals and keep the read up. Also, you're in Spilled Inc. now. :)

Introspection 04-25-06 10:42 PM

you stayed consistent on your rhyme scheme and syllable count but like unreal said u shud try to throw in internal rhymes to keep the reader engaged in the piece. i liked it though, your details of being alone stays current with what your title is and helped give this story a nice tone.

Journal!st 04-26-06 02:02 AM

^^thanks yo upping for THIS SHIT!


ayo peep my new poetry too

shaded grey! in my sig!
thanks!

*DipSet* 04-27-06 12:45 AM

yo bro now that was fuckin ill as hell im serious bro that was fuckin ill

i like all of it but i haft to agree with I Am Unreal. you did have some overley long fuckin lines with no break nut i bet it would sound tight as hell if you put that shit to AUDIO

Journal!st 04-27-06 01:09 AM

^^if i had a MIC i would.
but i dont plus the comp i use is not mine so....

Valerie 04-27-06 02:47 AM

coo shit join trigga town again man.

::SkandalouS:: 04-27-06 12:41 PM

man that was nice....consistent flow....i was feelin it bruh

For then where has it gone, for why has it thy left me alone
Leaving me stranded and drenched in pain with no pain feeling COLD.

^stood out for me...fuck knows why jus a nice line

8.6/10

Journal!st 05-09-06 03:28 AM

^^
thanks fa, for the feed peeps.....


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