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Search For Greatness
life as you see it, isn't how you see it assume the greatness, go after it, achieve it if you say you cannot then you'll soon beleive it the curtains unleashed darkness evil eyes, upset over jealousy who will succeed life the farthest the weak will embark to hell you see ...there's no killing thee... soul that prefers to live life free life at glee, bright eyes for whom can see glide with the wind, into another hand expand your timeline to another decade where angels and the butterfly's evade smiles and laughter, pounds out the evil what happens after, is now you're able to feel life as you see it, isn't how you see it assume the greatness, go after it, achieve it if you say you cannot then you'll soon beleive it the soul's crippled by the wrongful minds inside Life's like a roller coaster, hold on for the ride live it out, be fond of what you see everyday if an elder has a message, listen to what he must say one day you'll notice, it's the light you must follow evil brings hatred, and a heart that is hallow so close the curtain's, then take a walk outdoors then release the anger, shout like never before because.... life as you see it, isn't how you see it assume the greatness, go after it, achieve it if you say you cannot then you'll soon beleive it go to war with your inner demon, i know you can't take it pray and pray, then take your journey in search of greatness |
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nice piece... sorta like a motivational speach, but i was feelin it... i really like the structure, and cutting it up into the separate stanzas made it easier to get (w/out forgetting it's purpose).... nice flow and not many wasted words... nice, keep writin playa...
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This was decent, i've read better from you, I don't know, I felt this lacked the comlexity, and it just wasn't presented as well as it could have been, vocabulary, metaphors, and just the basic writing style, wasn't all it could have been. I feel like this piece coulda been a lot better, it seemed like one of those quick spontanious things that you just jotted down fast. I'm not saying it isn't good though, it's good work, but i'd like to see you improve on it. I don't really know, I just felt this poem lacked a lot of impact and didn't really get me thinking or draw me in, the message wasn't delivered as well as it could be.
But you're sexy Valor, and so is your writing, keep on shittin' on 'em home slice. |
thanx man yeah i didnt do it hella fast but i was rusty...
thanks though dude...love the feed |
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Don't do that shit. See thee free see? Are you trying to talk like Yoda so this will rhyme? Or are you for some reason shooting for an archaic way of speaking (hence 'you see' being the end of the sentence and the use of 'thee'). Quote:
Eh? The soul is crippled by wrongful minds inside? There is no mind inside of the soul. This is an ambiguous statement because it can mean one of two things and be confusing, and if you're going for the simple-motivational speech, people looking for inspiration aren't looking for trying to wrap their mind around what something means. But hell, it flows well, I suppose. Quote:
...Why? How would one expand a timeline? Why do angels and (for some reason) butterflies evade smiles and laughter? Since when did angels dislike happiness? Eh? MEH? EDSDGFS? Because in a decade the world would be a bad place to live? But that would mean that angels and butterflies would be attracted to laughter. Make some sense, foo. :shoot: |
it was iight,
i felt it needed more umph lol felt you were just shy of fully captivating wat u were trying to achieve with this piece..all in all it was like 6.5 out of 10 vocabulary could have been somewhat more enhanced...the whole inspirational thing really kept u in it..i like it not bad rtf if i decide to write something |
lmao ok dudes..
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I cleaned out all of the irrelivent posts. Stop upping this so much, I took out about 10 posts from you saying "upping" or some shit along those lines. If you got out and replied to others works than this would actually get some feedback.
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how about u leave feed?
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Because I've yet to see a comment from you on any of my work.
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First impressions, this seems rushed.
I think that it falls short of what it could be. I also think that the structured style that you have used doesn't help. The wording is basic, there is little imagery. The vocabs, complexity and overall feel of this piece is that it was lacking effort. Maybe, if you went back to this idea and put more thought into it, it would be cool. For now though, I would give it a 6/10. |
lol ima take all the feed and use it towards my next great piece...thanks guys
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And in the meantime.. leave some feed on my piece dude. :thumbup:
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