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Midol Lies.
Your wack n im dope..
I want some coke.. along with crack rocks.. you lack drops.. |
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this is all good.
vocab could be alot more complex which will make your peice more effective. A twist at the end would of done this peice alot of good. Also I feel you should centre your peices,will simply look better,and appearance is alot in text. My main problem with your peice is simplicity,lack of vocab. Im one for vocab so I like to read a good complex multi filled peice,that still keeps its storyline and manages to get the point across. Positives to your peice is original take on this concept,these two bars stood out to me: Then he said fuck the world.. hurled into a ball in his bed, he'd rather be dead. His thoughts- flooded in a storm of ink and led, starin off without blinks in bed Late nights, Insomnia kept him awake, Where'd he make this hard mistake? Failure is something he was barred to take.. with a side effect of major heartbreak Try start your lines off with a more descriptive word. Instead of "then" or "His" try maticuliously,savagly,desperation, just words to set a emotion for each bar. Adds alot more interest to the read. overall was a enjoyable peice. Stay dropping. |
Then he said fuck the world.. hurled into a ball in his bed, he'd rather be dead.
His thoughts- flooded in a storm of ink and led, starin off without blinks in bed Late nights, Insomnia kept him awake, Where'd he make this hard mistake? Failure is something he was barred to take.. with a side effect of major heartbreak nice feeling this... a few good bars that was slightly creative a good flow to go with it an all around not a bad verse i could almost hear this in audio if u spit it to a right beat nice job....... |
Thanks for the feed peeps. & I'll deff. take some of your advice on ym next drop Y
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yo dis was nice my nigga, u spit'n on da storytelling tip, good shit
return da favor on my 1st open mic |
Upping>>>>>.....
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