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Beautifull Emotion
"Beautifull Emotions" Your lack of thoughts are crucial ..anger is setting in He waits for your answer ..your answer does not begin With the words he was expecting ..for all that time he had to wait Six months down his drain ..no one else can now relate His love for you was pure ..yet you never took the time This was the real deal ..he couldnt get you off his mind . . . Now anger is developed ..patience is more then worn Heart ripped out of his chest ..cut open and torn No remorse for your actions ..You shun him from your mind Quickly realizing the mistake ..he was one of a kind . . . .....but as they say . . . You never no what you have till the times past Then you gotta fight for the shit you love to get it back One day we will be happy when the time is nonexistent That time can only come if the love is persistant Happyness has its distance and as ur smile fades i cringe in fear Cuz when you cant live happy your death might be near Fealing sappy and upset figuring u mine aswell be dead But you say some awefull things that shoulda neva been said You push away all your loves dont let no one get to close But the ones who dont give up are the ones who love you most Listen to ur heart cuz he'll stay knockin at your your door While you lay behind it dead bleading on your kitchen floor . . . .......and as you reminisce .......your aweful mistake . . . He shuns himself from the world ..........you killed his own fate |
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this was str8 my dude nice to see your back at it still with great emotion and depth in voacb and with good complexity my dude!..nice to see youve really elevated!
RTF on the links in my sig please. its ya boi shodown. |
thanks...
keep it comin |
i actually read this whole thing.. im that bored.
it was good, rhymed just enough but not all corny and mother gooseish. yes i said mother gooseish. nice buildup, small simple lines to long complex thoughts and feelings, i was pleased. fuck you. have a nice day. :) |
thank you cunt im surprised you left good feedback
thank you come again keep it commin |
^ thats what she said ;)
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she did indeed....lol
ahhhh collab sick. ? for old times sake? |
uppppin...............
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Hmmm, you have a lot of talent as I can see from here but I see a lot of potential that isn't quite being lived up to, but, I'll break down the piece first. This was a very eloquent piece of work, a very delicate tone throughout laced the more emotive lines with the innocence of rememberance almost. The meter I feel standardized the piece ontectually. Rather than a fluent breath of story and subject matter that constant hault of the single syllable rhyming brang the a concious stream of words to an abrupt stop. My suggestion for that is to start utilizing line-breaks so that rather than have every line end as it breaks, it keeps running through to the next line even the next depending on the tone or emotion you're attempting to provoke. The emotion was the strong point of this. I feel like you did a nice job of pulling quite a few heart strings without burrying yourself too deep in complexity or metaphor. Uum what else, oh, that last stanza, although I liked it at times I felt that some of it was pretty cliche and unoriginal. I know it's tough taking a used approach and making it yours, but you've got to really dig for that creatvity otherwise it's just going to meet a standard rather than a state of originality. So all in all I kind of felt the piece was up and down and the lack of consistancy kind of left this up in the air from me. But, I'd really like to work with you sometime, because like I said you have tons of potential, I think I could help you reach a new level with your writing. Keep up the work man.
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wow, i appreciate the feedback.
and yeah id be more then glad to work with you would be an honor haha...get at me if ur really interested. |
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